Wonderland.

Chapter 6: Confusion

I awake on Monday morning. I don't want to go to school, I think to myself. But i'm going to just reluctantly get up and dressed like every other day of my life. I stand up to almost fall limp to the ground to my aching legs. But why? I hadn't done anything that could have strained me in the past couple days... Whatever. I comb my think, short brown hair out and tried to wet down the little, or big, lock of hair that is sticking out in the back. I can't get it. Damn. Even my own hair wants to leave me. But i just left it sticking up, it's not like I had anyone to impress anymore, anyway...

I hear the bus buzz outside my house, what?! Had I overslept?! How could I not have even noticed?! Oh god. I didn't even have time to eat or do anything. I brushed my teeth and got some shorts out of the drawer. I hopped down the stairs as I was attempting to put on my pants. After I get them on I get a thin coat out of the coatcloset then headed out the door. I jogged to the bus and thank the bus driver as she opened the door and the ebony woman just glared at me and frowned. She out her foot on the gas as soon as I got up the stairs. I kind of just slid to the back a little and tried to regain my balance. I see Lucas has saved a spot for me and i'm somewhat relieved, because finding a spot on the bus isn't always so easy. I never understood Lucas. He is so popular. He has friends and girls lining up to sit with him at lunch. Yet he chooses too sit by me. Out of all people.

Me.

The rest of the ride was actually kind of fun. Lucas' group kind of included me in all of their jokes and it made me feel pretty good. Even though they all know I don't belong with them. I'd be lying if I said I disagreed with them. But Lucas is always playful with me, and it's actually kind of nice. He always does this weird thing. He gets his fingers and spread them out on my knee like spider legs, and I swear i'm not even a ticklish person, but for some reason when he did it i couldn't resist

Just bursting out laughing. He also playfully trips me and stuff and I like it. It makes me feel home. Which I don't even have really. I have a house. A home means a family. And a family means a functional group of kin, related or not, that loves and cares about each other unconditionally. Which i don't have. I think the closest thing to a home i have is Jade. Now jade makes me feel like home....

Even though she probably has a boyfriend. Even though she probably hates me for being such an annoying freak. Even though I'm not good at anything and I'm a total outcast.

Here I go again. Shit. Why can't i just be thankful for what I am and what I have? That's something i can't answer. I don't have a perfect life, but I have something I guess. I have Lucas I guess and I have Jade's face too look at all day too. And I have some family that cares about me. And I'm okay at tennis and cello. It could be worse.

I guess.

I hadn't even realizing I was daydreaming again and we had already arrived at school. Lucas was tapping on my shoulder to move because I was on the edge of the two seater. Lucas and I have first period together so we walk in together and go straight to the orchestra room to drop off his violin and my cello then go upstairs to math. I hate my schedule. I start off my day the worst way possible, and it just adds to my bad mood the rest of the day. Then I head to english which isn't too bad. After that I have my little clump of electives in the middle of the day. The only part of the day I actually enjoy. Except the end of the day, when i get to see Jade...

Even when I'm in the worst of moods, she can make it better. She's the sunshine to my dark world. Why can't she just love me? Why can't it just be that easy?

Finally. Math is over. The rest of the day flies by pretty quickly. Everything seems to do that when I'm daydreaming about Jade. When I think about her it seems like hours just melt into minutes. Its as if she actually stops time for me... I should stop thinking about this. It's too confusing for me. I don't like not being able to grasp the concept of things.

It's now ninth period and I don't even know what to think. I'm just awkwardly sitting a couple chairs from Jade and i don't know what to do, really. I''m debating if i should even try to talk to her. But every time i do i just get so nervous... My face gets red like a firetruck and i just etnse up completely, and i stutter at least twice a sentence. Why do i even still do this? I've knwon her for weeks and she even has a boyfriend. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. And I actaully don't even know what to do. I just so flustered when I get near her. Hell, I get flusted when I think about her.

Class starts and we don't even really do anything today. The teacher kind of just lectures us about how good or bad we did on our group projects, which I wasn't even there for.

Whoops.

When the dismissal bell rings I slowly walk to my locker and Jade walks out alone. Why isn't she walking with that guy? I wonder. I saw him in class earlier. I would just assume they would walk together.

She walks up to me. I almost squeal I was so surprised. She just casually says "hi".

"Hey" I reply, normally sounding as I can.

To keep the conversation going without getting awkward I ask "Why aren't you walking out with that guy?"

"What guy?" she asks back quickly.

"The guy you were making out with last friday in theatre." I sharply reply back.

"What are you even talking about, Jacob?" she asked with the mixed emotions of confusion, embarrassment, and frustration.

" Wow. She knows my name." I internally squeal.

"I'm talking about last Friday when I came into class and you were sitting in front of some guy making out with him. You were wearing that grey jacket you always wear. And why aren't you wearing it now?"

"Look, Jacob, I've never even kissed someone in my entire life. There is no way on earth that could have been me!" She hastily replies.

How could she not have kissed a person? She is literally the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life and she hasn't kissed a person. She has to have people just waiting in line to kiss her! Why hasn't she ever accepted one?! Not that I'd ever kissed a person either, but at least I had the ugly excuse. She has got to be lying,

"And I lended my jacket to Sarah on friday." she states.

"Who's that?" I ask.

"A girl in our theatre cla-"

I think it clicked for her the second it did for me, because she stopped mid sentence. And when she did, the lightbulb went on.