Unexpeted

Ch. 16

Elianas pov

Flashback

I sit on my bedroom floor playing with my stuffed animals and my markers and coloring books.

"Mr. Fluff, should I use red or purple for the bow in barbies hair?" I ask.

I grab both markers before showing my stuffed Koala bear both of them. He sits against my bed staring at me and I sigh, "You're terrible at advice. Red isn't going to look good with the already purple outfit. Purple is better." I mumble.

I set the red marker on my tiny carpet before taking the cap off my purple one. I color the small bow in my book before I hear stumbling.

My heart begins to race and I turn my head quickly to see my mommy upset, "Where did you put my phone brat?" She hisses.

"I didn't touch it Mommy." I say honestly.

"You fucking liar. It was on my nightstand and it's no longer there."

"I'm not lying mommy. I promise I didn't touch it. I haven't left my room because you told me not too." I say.

I see her eyes look down at my carpet before she gets angrier than before, "Is that a fucking marker on the carpet?"

"It has a cap on it." I reply panicked.

She picks it up and her anger rises to another level, "You got red marker on the carpet?! Are you fucking joking?!"

I look at the carpet and see a dark red which isn't the color of my marker, "That's blood." I say.

She made me bleed on the carpet last week. Then she got mad at me for bleeding on the carpet and hurt me more.

"ITS FUCKING INK YOU DUMBASS." She screams.

I fight back the tears as she screams. I don't like when she screams, it's scary.

I watch the marker be thrown across the room before she walks closer to me and I sit tense. I'm going to get hurt. I already know it.

Her hand rises quickly but comes at my face quicker. The sound echoes in my bedroom and the burn is felt in an instant.

"YOURE GONNA FUCKING LIE, THEN YOURE GONNA GET PUNISHED!"

She grabs my wrist and yanks me up from the ground and shoves me into the wall. My head hits it hard and my eyes meet her dark ones.

"I WISH YOU WERE FUCKING DEAD!"

She punches me in the jaw, then the stomach, then my eye. I loose count after that. I don't want to know anymore.

"Oh my god Demetria! Stop!" I hear Wilmer Panic.

"She's my daughter! I can do what I want!" Mommy yells.

"Demi you're scaring her and hurting her!" Wilmer says rushing into my room.

He gets between be and my mom and I fall to the floor in pain. My little body shakes and I find it hard to breath from all the pain.

"There's a lot more fucking scary things in life then this. Life's a bitch and she might as well learn it now." Mom hisses.

I look at Wilmer who kneels down in front of me with his arms open. He's nice. I like him. But I can't move and mommy gets mad when I'm around him.

His eyes fill with tears as he sees mine. Mommy kicks me in the mouth one time before leaving my bedroom.

Wilmer scoops me into his arms creating more pain in my body, but I don't say a word, "I've got you little one. You're alright."

I shake in his arms as I see my mommy in another room putting a needle in her arm. That's what makes her even more mean then the stuff she drinks. The worst hasn't even happened yet.

I jolt awake unable to breathe and as I become more awake and alert, I realize I'm drenched in my own sweat. My body shakes from fear and I take a few deep breaths, "I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life." I say through my tears.

I sit up weakly in my bed and wipe my tears before digging in my nightstand. I frantically feel around for the cold piece of metal and once my fingertips find it, I pull it from my nightstand.

What? It's here? Why couldn't I find it the other night? Did he not actually take it? Just claimed he did?

"You and I have one thing in common for wishes of my future, death. Who knows, maybe I'll end up cutting too deep one day and we'll both get what we want. If I weren't too much of a coward, I'd just do the job myself. However thanks to you, pains something I fear far too much when it comes to uncertainty of the pain level or me controlling it." I whisper.

I pull down my shorts to the bottom of my right hip and push the metal blade into it. I slowly drag the blade across my hip wanting the pain to last as long as possible so that I can make as few cuts as possible. I know myself and I know if I just quickly make a cut I'll want the pain to continue and I'll have no self control and just keep making them.

I stop after about 20 cuts and I drop the blade back into my nightstand. I pull my shorts up and don't bother to stop the bleeding. It'll stop on its own eventually. It always does.

Somewhat calmed down I lay down and stare at my alarm clock that reads 2 am. Too early to be awake but there's no way I'll be able to sleep now. Once one nightmare happens of the past, another one always follows. I don't want to relive another memory either.

This is what happens when I feel like I've got no control. My mind reminds me of all the times I had absolutely none and the times it hurt to have none. My mom caused me damage early on in my life and that pain will never go away. You can't fix something that's been broken. It'll never be the same and I'm starting to realize that now. I'll never be ok. I'll never be "normal."

Maybe talking about the nightmares to Jordyn would help but even if I wanted to, I couldn't. My mom would probably have me killed. The abuse is something no one besides Wilmer knows. It's the reason I am the way I am. Pain changes a person. Fear changes a person. It's no wonder at all why I am the way I am.

*time skip*

I walk to the kitchen at the scent of breakfast and see Wilmer at the stove, "How'd you sleep?" He asks.

"Ok until I had a nightmare." I mumble.

Wilmers the only person I can talk about this with. He saw so much happen so it's not like I'm ratting my mom our to him. So yes, I'm going to talk to him to try and get it off my chest and out of my mind.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks.

"Remember the day she came to ask me what happened to her phone when I was coloring in my room. Then beat be because she thought the blood on the carpet was my marker? Then told me she wishes I was dead and then you walked in on her beating me and got her to stop and held me as I was shaking? Yeahhhh, it was that."

I hear him take a deep breath, "I wish you'd have just come to me last night."

I shrug, "It's fine, no need to make it a habit. It's not like I'm gonna get to live here forever. At some point I'm going to have to go back home and handle everything myself. It'll just hurt worse once I go home and get used to having someone handle it." I say.

"Have you had a lot of them recently?" He asks.

"Yeahhh, I lied to Jordyn though. Halfway. I mean I told her the that I have nightmares of my mom dying of alcohol or drugs which I do. But as of now it's mostly things about the past. Way past." I say.

"I want to say be honest with Jordyn, but I know that's something you can't do. Couldn't imagine the pain in that Eliana. Watching it all just felt like a twisted nightmare, but it wasn't. It was a reality." He says.

"Yeah." I mumble.

I wish it were a nightmare to. But it's not. There's too many scars on my body for me to even push it as a nightmare. My mom thought her past was rough? Yeah, I think mines worse. Maybe she aimed to make mine worse to make herself feel better about her own. I'd like to believe it. But considering she can't even say meticulous, I don't think she has enough brain cells to conspire a plan like that...