Unexpeted

Ch. 29

Elianas pov

I wake up to myself drenched in sweat, my heart racing, and my stomach aching. I sit up only to feel a sharp pain in my chest.

"Breathe Eliana, it's anxiety. It's just anxiety. You're not going to die. You're not dying." I whisper.

I hear footsteps running upstairs and I turn my head to see Wilmer rushing into my room. He sits beside my bed as I take deep breaths trying to calm myself down.

"Nightmare?" He asks.

"I don't know, I don't remember anything." I admit.

I don't remember a lot my dreams. Something I'm grateful for actually. I don't want to remember all the nightmares of my past. I'd much rather relive them in my sleep and forget them the second I wake up.

Wilmer rubs my back and I turn my head to him to see him looking at me with worry, "Do you want your anxiety medicine?" He asks.

"It's not going to work, it hasn't been."

Which is why I stopped taking all my meds, none work. Why bother to take them?

He rubs my back gently and I do my best to just focus on him and my breathing. I know that's what I need to focus on.

"Ellie you're doing so good, keep it up." He says.

I don't feel anything when I breathe, just pain. But I know that me taking deep breaths in and out is helping to get air into my lungs. So I continue to take deep breaths.

It takes a few moments, but eventually I'm able to breathe and I turn my head to Wilmer, "Look at that, you did it all on your own. That's a big step Ella. I'm proud of you." He says.

"I didn't cut last night. I wanted to, but I didn't." I say.

He smiles, "Ella that's amazing. You're doing so good, I'm so proud of you." He says.

"Thank you." I say.

"That's so good, I don't even think you realize how good that is. I couldn't be more proud of you right now." He says.

"Thank you." I say.

"But, you know you can talk to me about anything. Even that don't you?" He asks.

"Yeah, I do, but I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to get my mind on it and then get triggered and stuff. I just set a goal and did my best to keep it. Then I did." I say.

It's a small accomplishment, I know. But it's still one I'm proud of myself for. I've never resisted it like this. I've always caved because I just need a quick way to cope. I'm one day clean, which isn't a lot, but it's something. I want to keep this going, I don't want to have double digits where I'm clean. Even triple digits. But I've got to keep having self control and just keeping strong. I know that.

He pulls me in to a hug and I wrap my arms around him, "You're very strong and I wish you'd see that. You've made it through so much on your own. You can't thank anyone but yourself Eliana. You underestimate your strength so much, but kiddo, you're so much stronger then even I am. I wish you'd see that."

"I'm trying to, I promise. I'm working on it. I'm going to try to be more honest with Jordyn too. It's not easy and I don't like it, but I know she's the only person who can really help me and stuff. With my mom not in there, I think it'll be easier to talk. I hope it is." I say.

"I think that's a really good idea Ellie." He says.

I pull away from the hug and look down at my hands, "So I have to go back to sirah's today don't I?"