Unexpeted

Ch. 39

Elianas pov

*3 months later*

What I've come to realize is that the more time that goes by, the more pain my heart feels. With my aunt I don't have to be here and there every second of the day like I did my mom. So I'm left in my room to just think which is the worst possible thing I could do.

The more I think, the more I reflect on my mom and the past. The more I think about the abuse and neglect. The more I think about the times I've not been good enough or a disappointment. The more I think about anything that's lead to pain and trauma.

Where has that put me? Lower than I've really ever been. To the point I've just completely shut down. I don't talk, I don't leave my room, I barely shower, I hardly eat or drink, I just have completely shut down.

But does anyone care? No. My aunt just leaves me here alone most days to just hang out with her friends or the family I don't want to see. She's stopped bothering to take me to Jordan's, stopped bothering to take me to the psychiatrist.

All because I'm depressed. The excuse given me was 'it's not working and you won't go anyway' which isn't true. Talking to Jordyn helped a lot. I agree me medicine isn't working but how is that my fault? That's my doctors fault. I'm depressed, but I want to talk to Jordyn. I need to talk to Jordyn.

I don't know why I thought something like this wouldn't happen though, I mean of course it would. This is my life we're talking about. When does anything good ever happen in it? Never. The answer is always never.

Every once of hard work and progress I made was mattered in a matter of seconds but I'm sure my mom would've loved to watch my downfall. She always has.

I stare at the small mount of sunlight shining through my curtains feeling completely and utterly numb. Depressions such a weird feeling. You can feel completely and utterly numb yet feel so much pain.

"Oh yeah she's totally fine, just antisocial and lazy." I hear my aunt say as she walks to her bedroom.

Yeah, antisocial and lazy. Totally not depressed and contemplating life or death. Thanks for making me sound a lot better than I am. I'm happy to hear even after doing not a thing to make myself seem fine, I've managed to give you those signals.

"No, I don't think she'll go to Demi's birthday. I've tried to make her, but she's not speaking to me right now and I'm kinda just done with the attitude mom. Lauren or Wilmer can watch her or something. I'm going."

Attitude? What attitude? It's hard to have an attitude when you're to depressed to care about a damn thing. But leave it up to my aunt to somehow blame me for something like this. She really never seems to stop.

"Yeah I know her birthdays coming up to, I'm trying to figure that out. The most she's said is she isn't celebrating it and if I try to make her then she's going to be upset. But I'm not going to not celebrate her 13th birthday."

Wow thanks for listening to what I want aunt Dallas. Thank you so much for respecting what I want. You sure do listen to me don't you?

I don't get why anyone would think I want to celebrate my birthday. Why would I want to celebrate something I hate my mom for? My birth? I don't even want to be here but she just has to bring me into the world. She really just brought me into this world to neglect me. But she also really dipped on me a few months before my birthday. Then have the nerve to let me know she regrets my existence...

Yeah, I'm good. I don't want a birthday this year. I could careless if I'm officially a teenager or not. Until I'm 16, I really don't care. If we could fast forward to then, that's be great. I really don't think the next 3 years are worth living or remembering.

"I mean she's always wanted a dog, I think I might get her a dog."

When did I ever say I want a dog? The only animal I've ever said I want is a ferret. Where is she getting dog from? She hasn't even heard me say I wanted a ferret. I said that in the group chat with my friends...

"Yeah I mean she's responsible enough for one. She's grown up quick and I know she can take care of it and understand the responsibility that she needs to have with it."

Please no. Do not get me a dog. I'm not even taking care of myself right now. If you make me take care of a dog it'll be dead. Because I'm not going to get up to feed it or give it water. Nor will I take it on a walk or outside to use the bathroom. No.

"Yeah I'm a bit upset she won't go to her moms birthday party too, but I can't force her to go. I've tried."

"Yes of course I'm letting Demi go to her birthday party. That's her daughter, not mine. I'm not cutting her off like that."

Yup nothing says happy birthday like bringing the person who doesn't want me to exist to begin with and behind all my pain. Can't wait.

I listen to my aunt talk and I just roll my eyes and her ridiculous ideas. How can someone be so oblivious? I don't understand.

I roll onto my side and stare at the wall in front of me completely emotionless. My life is nothing short of painful and unexpected isn't it? I never thought my mom would just hand me off to my aunt. But I also didn't expect many things of the past.

I guess the only thing I've learned in my life is pain hurts and to keep on guard of everything. That life's unexpected in the worst way possible and nothing in it's worth living for.

Tough lesson to learn at the age of 12 isn't it? Yeah, kinda. But I guess it's good to learn it sooner than never. Right?

Some lessons in life you can't avoid, these are some of them. It'd have nice to have been able to not learn them so soon, but here we are.

Life sucks and as much as I want it to get better, I don't think it will anytime soon. Not a single person understands me. Not a single person actually cares. I have no control. I have no freedom. I have nothing I need most. But that's life sometimes, crappy and controlled. The story of my life.