Unexpeted

Ch. 31

Elianas pov

Honestly, I never really look forward to talking to Jordyn. Today though, it's a bit different. I actually am.

"Eliana Lovato?"

I get up alone and walk to the back where I'm lead to Jordyn's office. I sit on the couch and she gives me a small smile, "How are you doing today Eliana?" She asks.

"Kinda good, I mean good for the circumstances. But I'm just more proud of myself which is kinda making me happy temporarily." I say.

"What are you proud about?" She asks.

"The other day I really wanted to cut but I didn't. I've done good and am a few day's clean now and I know that's not long but it's really good for me at least." I say.

"Oh my goodness, that is a reason to be proud! That's what we have been working towards Eliana! I'm so proud to hear that you are doing so good!" She says excitedly.

"Well, good under the circumstances. I'm not like doing good, but I'm doing better than I could be." I say.

"Do you want to talk about that?" She asks.

"My mom gave custody of me to my aunt which hurts. I mean why wouldn't it? Even after all she's put me through I'd rather live with my mom. Even if she hasn't been much of a mom too me, knowing she has custody of me and like is still there kinda does a lot. I just kinda feel a lot of things, none good. I'm not happy loving with my aunt, but I said yes knowing it was what my mom wanted because I kinda heard stuff before she asked me if I wanted to live with my aunt."

Jordyn frowns, "That's a lot to handle at your age." She says.

"Yeah, so I know this is a bit of a weird question. But in 4 years would you back me up if I wanted to get emancipated? Because I do and I'll try but I know it's more likely that if a judge heard stuff from a doctors point of view, it'd be more likely to go through." I say.

"How long have you been thinking of doing that?" She asks.

"A few days. I've always wanted to move out when I was 16, but everything kinda said I can't run away and it's illegal. Then recently I found out you can get emancipated and I just feel like that's the best thing for my mental health. I don't want to live with my aunt or mom and I don't know if I can do it for another 6 years. I think I can manage 4, but not 6. When I turn 16 it's not like I won't have a place to go, I will. I'll live with Wilmer then go to college and live in a dorm and navigate and control my life from that point forward." I say.

"Is there a reason you don't want to live with your aunt?" She asks.

"I just don't really want to. I feel like I'm just a trophy between her and my mom that continues to just be fought over. She's not my mom and it's hard to live with someone when I want to live with my mom. My moms done a lot to hurt me, a lot. More than I can talk about or am allowed to talk about. But she's my mom and as much as I hate to admit it, I'll always forgive her. I'll always want her. I'll always crave what she's never given me. I'm not going to be happy there and I know it's just going to cause me more distress living there." I say.

"Did you talk this through with your mom?" She asks.

I shake my head, "No, I agreed because I knew this is what she wanted. I know things between us at home weren't going to get any better and if this is what she wanted then I was going to do it. We both can't be happy so if this is going to make her happen then I wanted to do it."

"Is there a schedule for you to go to your moms?" She asks.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Will you see your mom on certain days?" She asks.

"No, I live with my aunt full time now. My mom said that she's not going to be out of my life but I know that's what's going to happen. She's not going to want me to spend the night or anything. This was just a nice way of basically telling me that. I know. I heard her say herself she made a mistake keeping me."

"How does that make you feel?" She asks.

"I mean in the back of my head I always believed that I was a mistake that she regretting. But I always tried to tell myself it wasn't true. However it is was. So not surprised, but hurt I guess."

"How are you coping with it?" She asks.

"Sleeping and staying distracted. The more I do the less my mind wanders to the topic of my mom or this whole situation. So I've been doing a lot of school and sleeping."

"I'm proud that you're doing school still. That's impressive. A lot of people might not be able to handle school going through a transition like this." She says.

"Thank you." I say.

"Is there anything else happening that you want to talk about?" She asks.

"Maybe more about coping skills because I'm doing really good and I want to keep it up." I say.

I don't think I've ever seen Jordyn this excited to hear me talk. But at the mention of me wanting to learn coping skills I can just see excitement as if she knows I'm serious and actually am trying to get better for once. It's different, I know.

*time skip*

When I get into the car with my aunt she turns her head to me, "How did it go? Do you feel a bit better?" She asks.

"It went ok, yeah."

Do I feel better? Not really. But did it help to just be able to rant and someone listen? Yes. Because I don't have many people I can rant to who won't tell my guardian what's going on. Or just people I can rant to period.

I'm already careful who I talk to versus unit. I don't want my mom to know much. So I'll have to be even more careful now. I know that even if she's not going to be involved in my life, she'll want to know what is happening in it. So I can't over share anything. I want her to know even less than before.

"That's good. I'm happy it went well." She says.

As am I. This is the best it's gone in a while. Hopefully it'll keep going well. Without my mom in the room, I think it will. It should at least.

"Yeah, me too."

I pull my phone from my pocket to see a few texts from the family group chat and I read over them all uninterested. I really don't get the point of family group chats. They are so random and unneeded...

"What do you want for dinner tonight?" She asks.

"I don't know, I'll think about it."

"Ok, give me an answer before 4 so I can make sure I can cook it before 6." She says.

"Alright."

The ride home after that is silent and the second we get home I head to my bedroom. I lock the door behind me and put my phone on the charger.

I take a deep breath and fall onto my bed and stare up at my ceiling exhausted. Therapy really does suck a lot of energy out of me.

I rub my eyes before getting in my bed and laying down. I get comfortable and close my eyes and decide to take a nap and try and get some of my energy back. Will I? More than likely not. But I'm going to try.