Unexpeted

Ch. 38

Elianas pov

I hear my bedroom door open and I turn my head to see my aunt standing in the doorway, "It's literally 6 pm and I'm about to go to sleep, what do you want?" I ask.

"Your mom wants you to stay the night."

"Oh well, that's her problem. I'm don't want to go, nor am I going to. You have full custody of me, I'm not having to go anywhere. I don't want to see her, I want nothing to do with her. You're really beginning to upset me with talking about her. Jordyn already told you that she's a stressor and trigger for me so why do you keep insisting I go to her house? I said no." I snap.

She gave me away and wanting nothing to do with me for weeks. Now all the sudden she looses a baby and feels lonely and wants me back? Oh well. No. That's not how I'm going to be used. I've been there through so many of her darkest points and she completely used me then threw me away. I'm not going to be here for her this time. Nor will I be manipulated into going to her house to hear the story on my dad.

"Eliana, she's hurting and wants to see y-"

"Oh well! She hasn't wanted to see me for weeks! Hasn't wanted to talk to me for weeks! But now that she looses a baby she suddenly wants me?! No! I'm not going to be there! She wants me because she has no one else right now and that's her fault! It's not my problem to fix! She always does this! The second she's hurting, fucked up, or lonely then she wants me! I'm always there and then the second she's moved on and better she's done with me! She can go to therapy or find a new boyfriend or girlfriend, I don't care!" I snap.

I'm so tired of being used. I'm tired of it all. I'm not going to just let myself be used by her this time. She's a grown adult, she shouldn't be leaning on me anyway. She needs to figure out things herself, if I'm 12 and am doing that. She can too.

"That's pretty harsh to say about your own mother." Dallas says.

"Ok, she hands me off to you because I was a mistake she didn't want but I'm the one being harsh? Ok. Whatever. Glad to know my feelings aren't valid. I'll just stop talking about them." I say.

"Eliana that's not what I-"

"Just stop!" I finally cry, "You're making everything worse! Just leave me alone!"

How can she seriously stand up for my mom right now? I don't care if she had a miscarriage or not. She's put me through absolute hell. My entire life has been nothing but pain and it continues to be. My nightmares are returning and I wouldn't even have to have those if it weren't thanks to my mom. I can't even cope the way I have been without that being damaging anymore. So if my moms hurting, I don't care. It's just karma slowly coming to her for all the pain she's put me through.

My mom hasn't even apologized for the past and yet she expects me to just pretend it never happened. Just pretend as if I wasn't abused to the point of such pain I was shaking and throwing up. Just pretend like she didn't tell me to my face that she hated me and wished I was dead. Just pretend as if she hasn't given me away to my aunt. Just pretend like she didn't put every relationship she was ever in before me.

I hear my aunt huff before walking out of my room and I just begin to cry. What else is there to do anymore other than to cry? I don't think there's anything else to do.

I turn my head to my door and climb out of bed and slam the door shut before locking it. I hate every aspect of life. Of my life. I don't want to be here. It's all my moms fault as to why I am. It's all her fault as to why I wish I wasn't her. And yet, my aunts siding with her and basically saying 'your moms more important, go spend time with her to make her feel better' when not once was my mom there to make me feel better. I'm tired of it. I don't want to be here.

I've never been more certain of anything in my life other than getting this emancipation. I know I'll never have researched anything harder than this emancipation. I just need to make it to 4 years. That's all. In 4 years my life can be better. It will be better.

I'll have no toxic guardian telling me how I should feel or what I should do. My mom won't be in my life at all. I'll be able to just cut out all of my family from it. I'll finally have control of my life, which I've never actually had.

My life's been so controlled since day one. You can't talk to this person. You can't post this. You can't wear that. You can't say this. You can't act like that. You have to do online because real school won't work around my schedule. You can't tweet this. You can't snapchat that. You have to be more supportive of me on social media. You need to act happy in photos. You can't be friends with this person. You can't like this person because of beef.

I can't wait to be free from all control and just live my life the way I want to. Because the way I've been forced to live it is far from how I've wanted to. When I get out of here, is the day I'll be able to start living it my way.

So not the way my moms wanted me to. Not the way my aunts wanted me to. Not the way some of my moms friends have wanted me to. MY WAY!

I can't wait to block everyone's number and get rid of all the toxicity that's been in my life for this long. I know the day I get out of here all the grey clouds will slowly begin to move away from over my head. Because I know the reason I feel the way I do, is mostly because of this family and my lack of control of my own life.

"Four years Eliana, for years. You can do this. Just hang in there for four years. You can do this. You've held on for twelve, you can hold on for four more." I whisper to myself.

There's no way this emancipation won't go through. It has to right? Things are effecting me so much they can't seriously deny it can they? I don't think they can. I don't think they will. I hope they won't at least. I really hope they don't. If they do, I might not be here to see my 18th birthday.

I need to get out of here and I need to leave all this behind. I need to focus on me and myself and get away from everything putting me in the place I am now. For year's is going to be so long, I know. But it'll be better than six if this is able to happen.

All I want is freedom and control. Is that too much to ask? Freedom and control? I don't think it is. But do I have either? No. I hope that I will at some point. Because it's slowly killing me to not have it.