Sirens and Sprinkles

The Secret Ingredient

Roger held his weekly doughnut away from his face as if it had threatened to bite him. "What kind of weird-ass doughnuts did you order? I'm pretty sure my stomach'll dissolve if I eat this thing."

"Just the usual stuff," Dave said as he gave his own doughnut a suspicious sniff. A powerful scent burned his nostrils, making his nose and eyes turn into faucets all over again.

Walt moaned and closed his eyes in sheer ecstasy as he bit into his doughnut. Or perhaps it was pain. It was hard to tell as his cheeks flushed and sweat cascaded down his forehead. "Well," he said around his next mouthful, "that certainly isn't cayenne. I'm not actually sure which pepper they used for these, but they are freaking delicious. Are you going to finish yours?"

Dave and Roger practically threw their doughnuts at him. Polka whined and put her head on her paws as her master devoured the rest of the doughnuts. "Sorry, girl. These are definitely not for you."

"I think she's planning your taste buds' funeral," Roger said. After Walt's stomach let out a low, ominous rumble, he added, "and maybe the toilet's too. Let us know when you need to go, okay? I've gotta pee before you repaint the bathroom."

Walt laughed him off until an even deeper rumble came from his stomach, followed by an insanely spicy smelling fart. "I think I'd better go sit in there for a while," he said. "I just hope I don't incinerate my undies before I get there. Still worth it though!"

As Walt sprinted off to do unspeakable things to the toilet and Roger hauled out the cleaning supplies to de-spice the kitchen, Dave sent off a quick text to Dylan. New secret ingredient?

They quickly responded. Started using new perfume. You like it?

Despite the dire situation with the doughnuts, Dave still smiled. It's nice. Very Christmasy. Was talking about the doughnuts though :)

Oh! I think Joaquin switched to a new kind of oil. Something about helping the environment. Roger complaining?

Nope, just Walt's large intestine. Dave's eyes widened as he spotted Roger gathering all of Walt's hot sauce stash. Talk to you later. Gotta stop Roger from being Roger.

Good luck, and tell Walt we're sorry about the spice!

Dave inched toward Roger, half expecting him to run off and throw the hot sauce bottles at the police station like unpinned grenades. "What are you doing?"

"Getting ammunition for Lucy's water guns. Those creeps have taken things too far this time!"

Dave shuddered at the thought of what Roger could do armed with water guns and a year's worth of capsaicin. Spicy doughnuts did not warrant blinding people. "Can we at least try not to make them hate us even more before you go full Rambo on them?"

Roger folded his arms. "Only if you handle Polka's walks while Walt is stranded in the bathroom."

As if on queue, the Dalmatian whimpered and walked over to Dave with her leash in her mouth. "Fine by me. Now come on, we'd better head over to the police station while the evidence is still fresh."