Until We Lose Ourselves

49

"You were overwhelmed? By what?"

"A lot of things, but mostly my work. It's nothing to worry about." Jonah didn't want to lie, but it was easier than telling the truth.

"Well, you can come to me whenever you feel off." Eden told him, taking his hands in hers, but immediately regretting saying that. Who was to say she'd be there for him?

Jonah smiled. He pulled her hands closer, pressing kisses on her knuckles.

Eden pressed a kiss on his head, taking her hands out of his, before moving behind him, and started to rub his shoulders, letting her legs circle his waist.

"You don't have to-"

"I wouldn't do it if I had to. I want to." And she made him feel more relaxed by applying pressure on his shoulders, massaging them.

.

Another few days passed, so did her birthday. She didn't celebrate, but received gifts. From Jonah's old cast, and himself, who got her a skateboard, promising to teach her how to ride it, along with Lili, Sophia, Penelope and some others. But it seemed as if things had changed.

Eden felt more disastrous. Her mind was clouded with guilt and anxiety. She couldn't sit still inside the house and spent a lot of her time outside.

You won't be there for him. You're never there for anyone. You're going to ruin him, like you ruin everything.

And she believed it.

Jonah was constantly on edge, not entirely sure of the sudden changes in the way Eden behaved.

She didn't know herself. She felt all the good feelings fade, including the ones she felt for Jonah, and weird, ugly feelings overcome her.

The distance was felt by both.

Jonah hated how suddenly they were so far away from each other.

Eden just felt like she didn't belong. Like that wasn't her house, and this wasn't her body. She pulled at her hair in frustration. She wanted it to be over. She didn't know how, or even what exactly, but she wanted it to be over.

There were moments her heart jumped and she missed Jonah, but more so, she couldn't bring herself to wish to go back home.

She felt alone, in a way she couldn't describe herself.

She didn't want to be alone, and she didn't want anyone to be near her.

Those nights was the first nights in nearly two weeks, that she spent in her own room. Quiet, numb, but never sleeping.

Jonah's stomach felt awfully clenched. As if someone was pushing it out and back in at the same spots. Being away from Eden, and not knowing the reason the distance appeared had a horrible affect on him. He only moved around in his bed, not being able to sleep with all the thoughts crowding his mind.

Going to her room was an idea he wasn't keen to act upon. He didn't like the memories, neither did he have the courage to face her with the way she had been. Lost, as if she didn't know how she felt herself.

Jonah thought the best he could do was stay away, and try to be okay without her.

And the next morning, Eden saw him, and wished to be with him, and feel him, but there was this strange aversion that wouldn't let her get close to him.

He gave her a weak smile, and she couldn't smile back.

And standing up in the middle of breakfast, she told him, "I..." But the words wouldn't come out.

.

Eden tightened her fists, her head on fire, as she glared at her phone screen.

That's exactly why he said you'd want to talk to him eventually.

Her face scrunched up that little bit, indicating how close she was to crying.

But she looked up completely fine, when Jonah asked, "You asked what we were. I would assume you wanted a label, but what did you mean if you don't want a relationship?"

"We already have a label, Jonah. Friends with benefits." She grit her teeth.

"Is that it? We're never moving past that?"

"Did you expect we would?"

"I did. I told you. I-"

"Don't start with shit about feelings."

"You brought it up that day, so why-"

"I don't know, my tongue was prancing, so that's it, Jonah. We're nothing other than what we were over an year ago."

Jonah stared at her. He felt like he had been led on, but he wouldn't say that. He felt he led himself on. He looked too far, thought too optimistically. He was to blame, wasn't he?

"Are you going to keep staring at me?"

"You're kidding. Right? After all this time, there's nothing you feel for me?" He burst out.

"Fuck Jonah, whether or not I feel anything has nothing to do with what's happening right now. Do you even remember how we started out?"

"Of course I fucking remember. We hated each other, and then you didn't let me overdose that one night-"

"And then you thought to push it." Eden had moved to his side of the counter. "You were the one that started whatever this is. Don't put this on me."

"So, even after you came back, you didn't think of me as anything? Or do you think it doesn't matter?"

Eden curled her toes. "Don't push it."

"I want clarification." He was pulling away in a panicky state now.

And she clutched her phone tightly, "Fuck off." Moments before she looked back at her phone, saw Harry's face, and then threw it roughly at the ground. The loud sound made Jonah wince and jump, and the phone cracked, pieces of the glass screen scattering around. Jonah's heart beat fast.

You shouldn't have pushed it. You shouldn't have-

His panic didn't let him think properly, as he watched her cover her face with her hands, before disappearing towards the other side of the house.

And as soon as she did, he sank down to the floor, trembling, as he subconsciously tried to collect the glass in his hand, and once he did, he pulled his fingers in to form a fist, feeling the glass cut into his hand, yet he tightened his fist, and squeezed his eyes shut.

He opened his hand and tilted it, watching the glass pieces fall back on the floor.

And once he realised what he had done, he stumbled back up, and ran out of the house.

He saw his hand, a little bloodied, but he massaged his own head, in attempts to make himself feel better.

It barely worked, and he felt awful, his mind all over the place, his hands beginning to sting, and his eyes blurry. He couldn't see properly, but his adrenaline pushed him to leave.