wandering romance.

five - i tried.

i.  they tell me that she gave up at the very moment when they arrived at the hospital but the little one lives.

ii.  i go there where i see him in a soft blanket with his eyes closed and his small lips sucking slowly. i place him in my arms and i weep into his blanket.

iii.  he's got the precious pearls of his mother and his skin is a grayish brown but i know that he'll gain his beautiful color. my little baby boy. 

iv.  her parents are in sorrow and they tell me never to show up without my child into their home ever again.

v.  i name him daehyun, after my own father and i kiss his little hands and begged the entities above to keep me alive for this little one. 

vi.  he's a difficult one and it's hard to take care of a little one when i can barely take care of myself.

vii.  i'm often awake at night thinking of his mother and the love that we shared.

viii. can't remember the last time i thought of you, even though at the back of my mind the thought of you still lingers.

ix.  he's got all my attention and sometimes i try not to think about her, but when i look into his sweet caramel eyes mine tears up and i wish i could kiss her again. 

x.  my friends tell me to go to therapy but isn't it an abomination for men to feel? to be vulnerable, and seek help?

xi.  i crumpled and broke down the moment i put him to sleep because i don't know how long i can be strong for my sweet boy.

xii.  i try not to drink or smoke but i hear them call my name but i know that i must not answer.

xiii.  my sweet boy smiled and i felt grateful to have lived to see that. 

xiv.  the only thing i want is to keep that sweet smile that melts my heart. 

xv.  i decide to lose myself in the streets, in the flashing lights and in the crowd of people, and that's when i notice the thick black mass of hair in the midst of all those people.

xvi.  i can't breathe. my mind plays tricks but before i could confirm i saw the bouncy curls lose itself in the bustling crowd.

xvii.  my little boy grows quite well, and i love to kiss his sweet honey cheeks and watch his smile gently hold my lonely heart.

xviii.  they tell me that i am okay. but are people who are okay find their walls crumbling and are only holding tight because they have a little one to look out for? 

xix.  i watch the steam rise from the mug that i drink slowly from. my mind still wanders off to the thought of her and the sweet love we shared. i do not notice a woman i wished to forget all these years.

xx.  you.

   end.