This One's For You (an Austin Carlile fanfiction)

Chapter 11

I was well into sleep when something disturbed me. I opened my eyes slowly to feel an indentation next to me on the mattress. Someone had climbed into my bunk with me. They nuzzled into my neck and put their arm around me. I could smell it was Austin, in that specific cologne of his, and by the pattern of his tattoos. Even in the dark, I could make them out. "Austin?" I asked, my voice shaking. He seemed taken aback by my voice. 

"Hi, Lee..." he said into my hair. I twisted around in the blankets to face him. Did he just magically forgive me? Am I magically forgiving him? I don't think it works that way, so needless to say I was confused. "I'm sorry," he said, averting his eyes from mine. 

I wasn't sure how to respond, so I lifted my arm and wrapped it around him. He continued his apology. "I'm sorry for yelling at you. It was really thoughtless, you just...I just was that afraid of losing you. The thought of you cheating on me, I couldn't take that. Especially after Gielle, my ex-wife...I can't go through that again. I need someone who I can rely on. I hope you can offer that. I'm so sorry, okay. I'm sorry I hurt you to the point of hurting yourself. I wish I could take it back, but I've calmed down now, and Alan talked with me about it, and I'm sorry for accusing you of cheating. Honestly." He pulled me closer to his chest. 

"Austin, I hope you know I can't handle people freaking out on me like that. As much as you need someone you can rely on, so do I. I need someone who will be there for me, who won't lose it on me, someone patient. I thought you were, and it scares me when I see I'm wrong." I confessed, tears falling onto the pillow. God, I was such a baby. But he had hurt me, he really had. I wasn't going to let it go that easily. 

"I know, I can't apologize enough. I'm so sorry, really. I'll try not to ever yell at you like that again, okay. Can you please forgive me? Or at least let me make it up to you?" he said, kissing my cheek. 

I sighed. I wanted this to work out, but I wasn't sure I was that up to forgiveness. "I don't know..." I said. "Can you just give me some time for this? I know you may have calmed down, but I haven't." 

"Sure, anything you want. I'll be in the lounge. If you need anything, just let me know," he begain to get up. "I'm sorry. I'm going to just keep reminding you of that until you forgive me. I didn't mean anything I said." 

"I know, Austin, it's okay. I'm just still a bit shaken up." He nodded and kissed my forehead quickly before leaving. I sighed. How could he not have meant what he said? He seemed pretty sincere. I wonder if he really thought I only cut for attention. I can't even believe he thought I'd be a shitty enough person to cheat on him, with his best friend. I tried to shrug the thoughts away, but they kept picking on me. I checked the time, I'd been asleep for a few hours while he'd talked with Alan and cooled down. 

Was I overreacting? Maybe I should get up and go out there and be genuinely happy. But my wrists ached, and my thoughts were eating away at me. I sighed and decided to pop in a movie: The Nightmare Before Christmas. One of my favorites. 

I got up silently, feeling eyes follow me as I went to where the DVDs were kept. I hoped it was still in its place and not carelessly thrown around. It hadn't yet been taken out, so I found it quickly. As I turned to hurry back to my bunk, I heard Austin ask me something. 

"You ok?" he asks, raising his eyebrows as I clutch the DVD to my chest. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie. 

"You can watch that out here, if you want," he says as he rubs the back of his neck, something he always does when he's nervous. "I know the bunks aren't the most comfortable things in the world." 

I hesitated, but no one seemed to have any objections to it. I'd feel too awkward saying no. "Uh, okay." I said and popped into the DVD player. 

Tino got up to make the popcorn as we all took our places on the couch. Austin stretched his arm out casually, and I knew it was an invitation. I scooted a little closer to him, and hugged my knees to my chest. I wanted him, but I didn't. I loved him, but I was still hurt and angry. I was still so confused. Confused about Austin, confused about Alan, confused about being ready for sex again. I was ready to never trust anyone again. 

The movie started, and I saw people lighten up when they saw what it was. It was a classic. Or at least I considered it that. Tino came back with some bowls of popcorn. After a few minutes of flicking popcorn kernals at each other, we settled down and watched the movie. I shared a bowl with Austin. His hand occasionally bumped mine when we reached in at the same time, and it gave me chills. 

Towards the end of the movie, all I wanted was to cuddle up into his side. It was just hard to believe everything was okay again. Phil got up and came back with some weed. I rolled my eyes and laughed to myself. I hoped I wouldn't get a contact high. 

The movie was about to end, and I decided to just give in to Austin. Maybe I was getting a contact high, because I could feel myself begin to relax, the doubts quieting in my brain. I scooted even closer to him, until our sides touched, and wrapped my arm around his shoulder. He relaxed, and embraced me, so I nuzzled my head against his side and breathed in his scent. He kissed the top of my head. As the credits began, Austin stood up and titled his head, hinting for me to go with him somewhere. 

I blushed, awkwardly standing up around Phil, who was stoned and laughing on the floor, passing a blunt to Alan. I followed Austin to the bunk area, where he surprised me and climbed up the bunks to get to a small window on the roof. He opened it, and climbed up, motioning for me to do the same. I did, and the fresh air felt good on my face after being cooped up in a smoky lounge. 

Austin laid down on the roof of the bus, and I laid next to him. He sighed, and reached over to lightly trace circles on the back of my hand. "I know I've already said this so many times, but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll never apologize enough, I'm beginning to hate myself for blowing up on you. I was hurt, but that wasn't an excuse. I do love you, Lee. I really do." 

My heart fluttered at his words, pushing the remnants of the bad thoughts away, at least momentarily. "I've been thinking about it, and, I forgive you. I should have pushed Alan away sooner, I'm sorry for hurting you, too. This whole thing was stupid."

"Yeah, it was. I'm still pissed at Alan, though," he said, sighing again. 

"I don't want you guys fighting, either. Promise me you won't hold it against him? Please?" I asked. 

He was silent for a moment, as if he were thinking it over. "I promise. But could you promise me something too?" he asked lightly. 

"Of course," I replied, giggling. I'd do anything for him.

He rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow, looking into my eyes as he reached out for my wrist with his free hand. "Please never hurt yourself, ever. That's the thing I regret out of this the most. I know it's a lot to ask, but I can't go through losing you. It almost happened once, and if you keep doing this, it will probably happen again, and I can't accept that. If you feel the need to do this, you go to me, alright? Even if we're fighting, I don't care, just promise me." 

I paused for a moment, soaking in his words. He was sincere, but if I promised him, it would just hurt him that much more when I break it. I'd promise him anyway, though, because I knew he was the only one I would restrain myself for. "I promise, Austin." I nearly whispered. "Now can we stop being so serious?" 

He smirked and leaned forward to kiss me. I laughed against his lips and just enjoyed the moment. My heart felt warm again. Maybe this could work out, after all.