Over the Years

5-19-2018

I've been in love with the idea of love ever since I can remember. Of course, the concept of the feeling is kind of abstract. Feeling things is different than how it's described on TV. In all of the shows, most everyone knows what they are feeling, and when they are feeling it. Although, actually feeling emotions is much more complicated and confusing. It's hard to put a name to a specific thing you feel in a moment because emotions intertwine and tangle with each other. I understand what love is and what it's supposed to feel like, it's just super hard to recognize and decipher. I've always tried to force the emotion too much with other people. Every time I saw a semi-attractive boy he was my new "crush". Recognizing a cute boy is different from having feelings for them, but my younger self didn't really know that. I was like a predator stalking prey. I would chase and the boys would run and life was good, I guess.

But I never had any girl friends. They were gross and pink and they had cooties. Guys were much more fun to hang out with and easier to talk to. Boys liked bugs and playing in the mud. They like video games and tag and soccer and wrestling. I was never allowed to play soccer because I was a girl, but they would hang out with me for the rest of the time. Sometimes boys were gross, but girls always seemed so much more intimidating. So I stuck around with the boys, whether they wanted me there or not. It was actually kind of funny, I remember specific situations where I had to bully them into letting me hang out with them.

As we got older, the girls seemed to get less stuck up and the boys somehow seemed to get less intelligent. Or maybe they had the same amount of intelligence, but I had more and it made them seem stupid. Puberty hit. It sucked and most of the people who were already gross became grosser. Myself included. I already felt super uncomfortable in my own body and this only proved to make things worse. Sexual education was confusing... definitely a learning experience. I was actually in denial about my body and the changes I was going through for a long time. To this day, I still miss my flat chest, but I don't want to even consider making any permanent changes to my body until I am absolutely certain that it's what I want.

The one thing I was excited about was getting taller. I think that I just liked the feeling of accomplishment that it gave me, but every time that I grew, even just a little, I would have my mom mark it on the doorway. There was one year when I was the second tallest girl in my class, and I was only second because that other girl was a giant. But the bigger I got, the tougher I felt. At this point all of my friends were girls, but we all had different interests. Amber liked all things horses while Brittany and Amanda liked make-up and teen magazines. I didn't like any of that stuff. I mainly liked math and cartoons and video games.

Finally, one fateful day, my whole world flipped upside down when my friend first explained to me the concept of different sexualities. I had never even thought that was a thing! Even so, I had decided that I only liked boys. I've never liked a girl before and so that settles that. I never even factored in that I hadn't really ever liked a guy either, but that didn't matter. I was a good Christian heterosexual female and nothing was going to change that. But I kept thinking about it. I mean, would I turn down a girl if she asked me out, just because she's a girl? No, that would be ridiculous. And girls are pretty too. Why couldn't I have a crush on a girl? I guess I could date a girl if I wanted too. If she was the right girl, that is. 

And that catches us up to the beginning of this new chapter in my life. I mean, it's a whole new way of life for me. Turning 18, going to college, coming to terms with my sexuality, and focusing on finding my true passion. It's a lot. And I can promise you that I was at no point in any of this prepared for what was going to happen next.

It was a really awkward moment when it first hit me. I have been waiting for my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet for, pretty much forever, but the truth is that I'm prince charming. I've always been a bit more boyish in both attitude and otherwise. I do like girly things on occasion, don't get me wrong, but sometimes it just feels like I was born into the wrong body. It's like I'm walking around in this meat suit that never really feels like me. Every time I look in the mirror I am shocked by how different the girl looking back at me is from how I feel inside.