Over the Years

10-22-2018

I don't recognize myself inside or out. I look in the mirror and see someone who looks different than how I feel I look. They aren't bad looking, just a stranger. All the shapes and curves are wrong, like almost right, but always just... off in all the wrong places. And then when I try to picture what I'm supposed to look like I can never come up with a clear image. It's always a blur as if it's on the tip of my tongue, but always out of reach. Then I try to ask myself who I am, where I am going, what I want and that's blurry too. I don't know what I want. Not really. I mean, I can think of small things that don't matter, like I want cookies or I want to watch tv. I can't wait for it to snow. I want to fall in love and have kids one day. But if I think about my career or try to think about myself as successful or even if I try to write an essay and get overwhelmed, the voices come into my head.

The voices that tell me how much of a failure I am, how I don't deserve to be alive, that the world would be better off without me, that it would be best if I just stopped wasting everyone else's time. And I try to battle it with logic;

"What about the people who care about me? They'll get over it one day, everyone dies eventually. Besides, they'll understand. This is the only way you'll ever be happy."

"I can pull myself together. No, you can't. Not really. Every time you've tried you've just relapsed, over and over. Face it you're a failure. You cant even do simple things. People don't have the patience for people like you. You'll never survive in the real world. No one would ever want to hire someone who is slow and can never complete anything. You can't even do anything right anyway."

"I still have to fall in love and find my happily ever after. Love? No one will ever love you. Not anyone you could ever love back anyways. I mean really, you try so hard to pretend that you aren't, but you're picky about the way someone appears on the outside. You're a terrible human being, no matter how hard you try, you're racist and judgmental. Besides genitals disgust you. You don't feel physically attracted to male or female genitalia at all. Speaking of genitalia, what about yours? You don't identify with it. You're in strict denial about being anything but a ken doll. In your head, you go back and forth between feeling like a boy or a girl, but you don't identify with either the typical males or females you see walking around on the streets in day today. Your personality fluctuates too. What are you? Are you a cute childish person? Are you mysterious and cool? Are you a total clown and a joker? Are you a fangirl? You can't be everything, constantly changing, it makes you look psycho. You can't even make friends or bring yourself to care for your own health and safety. No one would ever want someone like you."

"Even if I don't find someone, I could always adopt kids and- Kids? You can't even take care of yourself. Besides we went over the fact that no one is going to ever want to hire you and that you'll end up on the streets. Even if by some miracle you don't flunk out of college and you do find a stable job, do you think that you'll be able to work to the extent where you can afford to provide for a child and still have time to watch over and take care of a child? You wouldn't have anyone to help you with having no significant other and you're parents wouldn't help you. Your mother is busy taking care of herself and your dad and stepmom will be who knows where being happily retired. No government system in their right mind would give you a kid anyway. And you don't want to give birth yourself, because that would mean accepting the fact that you have a female body. Not to mention that you hate pain, and giving birth is supposed to be the most painful experience ever."

"Well I don't like pain, so I couldn't kill myself even if I did really want to. You could. There are plenty of painless ways to go and you know it. Besides, you could do something painful, but quick. Like waxing your eyebrows. And then all of your ails would disappear. It would be so easy."