Over the Years

7-5-2018

I have a month before I start college and I don't know if I've ever been this stressed before. I'm literally sitting here listening to music and watching cartoons because I freaking out inside and it's the only way I really know to calm down. Although in reality, I'm just wasting precious time. Procrastinating. I know I shouldn't be, but I Am so overwhelmed- I don't know what else to do. My mom has had a family vacation planned for us for months now, all expenses covered {Insert breathing moment because of a near panic attack}, and I want to go because Mom and I have never really had a family vacation like this. I mean, she has been dreaming about taking me to California since 5th grade and whenever we would do vacations it would always be in the state and super short because she has spent pretty much my entire life working so she can support me and get me presents and just get by and take care of the animals. I don't think she has ever said no to anything I've ever asked for unless she couldn't afford it. But its two weeks long and that's a lot of time to "waste" because I have so much to do still. I haven't even begun to pack for college. It's barely even sunk in that I'm 18.

Then there is actually getting halfway across the country for college and getting all my stuff there somehow. Not to mention that I still need to figure out doctors and what to do with my medications. I need my regular checkup still, I need to see a psychologist, I have another appt with my therapist coming up soon (thank god), and I need to see an eye doctor for a check-up and maybe get a pair of glasses. Plus I have to figure out what I am going to do once I move to North Dakota {now officially crying}. Will I see a therapist? What is insurance and what is mine and how do I use it? How do I get access to my medical records? I'm not going to have any transportation to get anywhere, so where will I get my meds, and what about future doctors' appointments?

Oh, and my dorm. My parents are pressuring me about decor, but it's stressing me out even more. Like what about classes? What will I need? What do I need to bring with me that I already have? God, I'm going to have to throw a bunch of my extra stuff away. That's super hard for me because I get easily attached to everything. I almost cried throwing away spoiled cannolis the other day.

I just hung out with my friends for, probably the last time, the other day. My friend's dog chewed on my phone and broke the screen, so I have to deal with that as well. All of which just brings up more, but less pressing in the current issues.

Since I'm 18 now a lot of things have actually changed, which I wasn't expecting. Nothing has really changed with coming of age before, not really. But now I'm on my own in a way. Nobody tells me what to eat or when. There is no bedtime and no one wakes me up when I sleep in. My apps aren't being monitored anymore and it seems that the parents don't really care what I do. I mean, they do. I know they do, but they aren't making any comments or suggestions and it's just kinda sinking in that I'm an adult. My childhood is kinda dead now {Had to stop for a moment because there were so any tears I couldn't see}. The worst part of this is the custody battle. At this point, it isn't about custody anymore. In a month I won't be living with either of my parents anymore. Whenever I come by I'll "just be visiting" to quote my dad. Which brings up the whole home thing again. I've struggled with the concept of "home" before, but this is different. I won't have a home at all. I won't be torn between anything, it's just nothing. I will have a roof over my head, but I'm going to be all alone. I was just starting to get used to New Jersey, but now I'm leaving and it's all for nothing. I don't have any roots. I can't call Colorado home or New Jersey, or North Dakota and It's just so distressing and I'm scared.

Also, my dad has told me that I have to do things for myself now. Like big important things. Like making doctor's appointments and stuff. I just got confirmation today that my dad isn't going to pay for plane tickets for me to go to colorado and come back. I mean it makes sense, logically. Logically I have better ways to be spending the time and he has better ways to be spending the money, especially with College only being a month away. My mom assumes that he will pay for it because it was part of the deal they had when I moved out here. That he would pay for me to come back. But that was back when I was under parental custody. Now the entire idea of custody is just figurative and relative to who I am with in a particular moment because I'm 18 and technically no longer under anyone's custody and I have to take responsibility for myself and my own actions. So, also technically, by the terms of the agreement he made with my mom means that he has 0 obligations to hold to the whole "flying me places anymore". I figured out the loophole myself right around graduation, but I was secretly hoping my dad wouldn't take advantage of it. Of course, he did and I can't help that, but my mom will be so pissed when she finds out. Like, no kidding she is going to try to raise hell with him. And I kinda see it in a way. Like from a perspective it's a total dick move to find a loophole like that and take advantage of it. Especially since he had no obligations to keep up his end in the first place due to the fact that the entire system they had worked out was mainly based on verbal agreements and there was no government involvement. At the same time, it's a totally logical move from his end. You know. If you don't care about anyone's feelings, specifically my mothers. Which once again gets into a whole bunch of other issues.