Over the Years

10-5-2019

It's been months since I last touched this, maybe even over a year. I haven't been paying much attention, but after reading through this again I decided to add in some of my more recent revelations with my gender and sexuality. First of all, after years of denial, I have come to terms with the fact that I am Asexual. Hence me not enjoying human touch things. I mean, sure I like hugs from people I trust, but I don't think I ever want to have sex with anyone. Any talk of sex has always made me really uncomfortable, and my older sister even called me a prude recently- in a joking manner, but I know she kinda meant it.

And gosh, I am still getting used to that. The fact that Davis, my "brother", is actually Alyce (AKA they're trans). I love her no matter what but every time I think about it it still throws me for a loop. I always just end up thinking about how ironic it is that both of us are.... Idk, I don't wanna say transgender. I mean, she is, but I'm not sure what I am. The last time I edited this I hinted at feeling masculine and wanting a masculine body, and I still somewhat stand by that. But I'm not sure if I can call myself trans.

I currently identify myself as genderfluid, because someday all I want is to be a guy, other days I don't want to be anything, some days I don't care what I am, some days I feel kinda like a guy and a girl, and some days I feel like maybe I'm a girl after all. And part of me wants to talk to my sister because we are going through the same thing right? But what if we aren't? What if I'm just delusional or a wannabe. What if this is just a phase? I mean, I feel like someone else every day and it's like I can't make up my mind. And is being genderfluid even a real thing?

But I know I get pissed off whenever I see "are you a boy or a girl?" question in games or on paperwork. I know that sometimes I put on my binder, and yeah I have a couple of binders now, it makes me feel really good about myself and I want to cry. I know that when I look in the mirror I hate the person who looks back at me. I know that I wake up and my brain is fuzzy because I don't feel like I am alive. I know that in my dreams my gender constantly fluctuates between being a guy and a girl. I know that when I am at home I can't bring myself to wear my binder for extended periods of time but when I'm at school, college, I wear it almost every day.

And so I am not sure what to think. I don't want to be a girl or wear bras or dresses, but I also don't want to be a stereotypical dumbass guy. Physically, like from the neck down, I know that I would for sure feel more comfortable in a males body. Nothing muscular, but just flat-chested with a dick. But I'm not in a guy's body. Binding feels good though. I wish I didn't get my period, it's an awful damn reminder that I have a baby-making hole in between my legs that I am supposed to have the desire to stick things in. Honestly, for the most part, I ignore that that part of my body exists, but periods make it practically impossible. And don't even get me started on tampons, I refuse to use them.

But yeah. I don't know if that counts as dysphoria. I mean, I don't care about pronouns and I like my voice the way it is and I have NO desire for facial hair or extremely masculine features. I guess I wish I was more androgynous-looking. I have been mistaken for a guy a couple of times and I've enjoyed it and I prefer guy clothes. But being addressed as a female doesn't make me uncomfortable, the only part of that that makes me uncomfortable is wearing dresses and bras and my body in general. And it's not an ugly or fat thing. I don't feel ugly or fat. I just feel... wrong. So I don't know if I can count that as dysphoria. It's probably different than whatever Alyce goes through, and like I wouldn't want to offend her or anything by talking to her about any of this. I mean, we've never really been really close and I'm not sure that she would get it, but I do want to do my best in supporting her. Maybe if I come out one day she will support me too.

And back to the subject of asexuality for a minute, I would like to clarify. I don't want to have sex with anyone. That does not invalidate my previous statements of loving the idea of love and wanting to be in a relationship and liking both guys and girls. Okay, I'm not sure if I stated that last one previously but I'm too lazy to go back and look. But I still like people, I just don't like sex. I identify as panromantic. I will probably come back to this all later with another update. Good luck future me.