Secrets || Michael Clifford

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Journal.
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I still care, but im done showing it.
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So I guess I should explain myself. I bet your wondering "why do you keep so many secrets?" Well it's actually quite a long story, but I'll keep it simple.

In middle school I was the girl that Michael and Luke hated each other over. Yes, boring old fucked up Alex Brooks almost broke up 5 seconds of summer. I'm also the girl that Michael Clifford lost his virginity to, in a disabled public toilet. Don't ask how or why because to be honest, I don't know why I did it or how it happened. I just know that Michael ruined my life.

In middle school I had known that Luke and Michael liked me, and I was just waiting for one of them to grow a pair and ask me out. And that was obviously Michael.

In that period of time I had been dealing with things at home, my mom being a drug addict and alcoholic, bringing home guys to pay the bills. My father, well I have no idea where my father is or what happened to him and I honestly don't care. My brother, he's actually the only reason that I have been holding on, he is my strength. And with Being bullied at school constantly, I broke.

My grades dropped, my friends left. My happiness was completely drained from my mind. I was holding on to a little string of hope for years, and one day it just broke. I completely fell to the ground and shattered.

No one seemed to notice how my smile wasn't real. No one notices how the color in my eyes seemed to disappear. Why? Well because no one cared.

And after Michael had asked me out and went on those lame park dates that we all experience in our life, I told him everything. And boy, what a mistake I made.

I guess i should have learned not to trust so quickly. But, I had confessed everything to him, 8th grade in early February. I told him about my mom, my dad, my depression, my self harm, my anxiety, my whole life basically. At that time I didn't have a brother because, well, my mom hadn't been fucked by some drunk off the streets.

He laughed in my face and didn't speak to me for months and during those months I started smoking and drinking, going to parties, and sleeping with anyone who wanted me so I could feel something.

I fell deeper into my depression. Listening to the thoughts that screamed in my head at 5am. Little scars littering my body seemed to turn into thoughts spilled out onto my arms and legs, everywhere.

Doing that was really my only escape from reality. It made me forget what was happening in the moment and so I continued doing that.

Me and Luke had talked, me still knowing that he had feelings for me.

And this continued until 10th grade and I became close with the whole band, once again. Calum being my best friend now, and really the only connection I have with the band.

I used to ride my bike over with Ashton to Michael's house and watch them play songs while I drank booze. One night when everyone had left and it was only me and Michael in his car outside of his neighborhood, one thing led to another and we fucked.

Us being the dumbass kids we were, didn't think about using protection and I was 5 months pregnant when I had a miscarriage. Michael wouldn't know though, he still thinks I'm somewhere in Australia with his 2 year old son that I should have had and he abandoned over a simple text for his band.

After Michael left me with his unborn child and the hell I call home, I changed, well at least that's what people tell me. I'm not that same girl he told me he was in love with 2 years ago, I'm different.

Well here's the truth, I grew up. I stopped letting people push me around all the time. I learned that life isn't always what you want it to be, and it never will be, you can't always be happy. I accepted reality.