dysthymia | zhong chenle

아홉

❝ don't get away like the rain
again today, i'm looking for you
in the drenched and wet traces ❞

¤━━━¤

_THREE YEARS AGO

the ringing sirens blared in her ear, the constant yelling and struggling shooting into her ear. she couldn't move, she couldn't breath. it was all the overwhelming numbness against the hopeless situation.

they say when you die, you rise to the heavens to see your deceased ones. then you begin to question...who would care? how many broke hearts, how many sleepless nights would spread across the world. 2, 3, 4? it was a matter of who really cared, but in the end, the tears stop and the heart numbs. it'll all back to normal, only with an extra memorial placed in your mind

what hurts more than death ever will, was the calls from the one she had fallen for. his voice weren't melodies anymore, it was a horrible symphony. and his lasting touch, remained stained across her flesh. she remembered it, his broken words and the way he had caressed her face. she wanted to smile, but it was more like a trauma than a memory.

she didn't know if she was dead or not—or even if she did the trick right—she really didn't care. she never necessarily wanted to die, but justice had a way of messing with her mind. a torn battle between a sacrifice or a save, the answer won't ever make sense

the noises died down, the heavy stomping of feet echoing into silence. as far as she knew, she had ascended yet, but why was she so aimlessly lying on the ground, the cold, thick liquid streaming down her clothes.

her trick was going to backfire, and leave her stranded between the lines of life or death. she had so precisely thought it through, yet now she couldn't decide whether or not it was executed correctly.

all she knew was that she was alive, for the time being. it wasn't until she had forced her eyes open, that she knew, she wasn't alone. using what energy she had left, she pulled herself up, her eyes locked into a familiar chestnut brown ones.

it was obvious who he is, hence why she was very much hesitant to even talk to him

"hyejin, we need to get out of here" his voice rung in her ear, his arm going around to push hyejin up like a child.

"don't touch me" she pointed an accusing finger at him, the male that she recognised as winwin dismissed her

"it's not the time to argue" his efforts were futile as she thrashed around in his arms

"if i had to trust anyone, i wouldn't trust you" she growled, winwin's arms releasing from her

"we're going to get caught" he went back to snatch at her wrist

"winwin" a shaky breath left her lips as her finger slides up to feel the crimson that decorated her skin

"we don't have ti-"

"wh-where's..." she let her eyes wander over the empty room "wheres chenle? is he safe? did he get caught...where is he!?"

"we need to go now"the male urged, yanking her drained body towards the fire escape

"he's not hurt, right?" she frantically spluttered out, winwin's ears perking up at the sound of footsteps

"they're here..." and he threw used all his might to heave her inside the emergency stairs.

"where is he winwin!?" she yelled while winwin hurriedly tore off a bit of his shirt and wrapped it around her neck against her will

"calm down" winwin hushed as if he was trying to keep a child from crying. the footsteps were getting louder, as if haunting them like unheard souls

"don't tell me to calm down when i don't know if someone i care about is dead or alive!" she hollered, winwin's hand clamping over her mouth "if you don't be quiet, he may not be the only one dead"

the tone of winwin's once innocent voice shut straight up. the following events happened in the blue, the two bodies slumped against the emergency stairs wall while they waited for the threatening sirens to die down, all while she was having an immense amount of blood loss

"i should have just died" she breathed

"there's always a time for death" he looked at her "usually when you least want it"

¤━━━¤

_3 HOURS LATER THAT INCIDENT

"is this necessary?" she fiddled with her bloodied sleeve as winwin left the shady man with several notes of money.

"only if you want to live" winwin tilted his head towards the man, taking the beige envelope into his hand and tightly wrapping the string around its button

"will i...see him again?" she sat down into one of the rusted metal seats, winwin pursing his lips in despair "who knows"

"i use to believe in fate, and now, i think it's all just a facade, of rainbows, of sunshine. of the happy little flowers dancing along the wind. fate pulled you in, only to rip you apart again" the envelope was slipped into her hand

"that's why it's time to forget him. the life your about to lead is not ideal, but it's a necessity. Starship will come after you if you go back to how you lived before, they can track you with a flick of a finger. you need to remain hidden amongst the thin layer of air and exist as if you had never lived; air is one of the few things that'll never bend and break, it will never die, you just have to stay invisible"

"they're going to find me anyways, what's the point" she threw her head back, the blood no longer becoming a nuisance, instead a layer of decoration, tinted with the smile of death and the clothing of the grim reaper

"they won't if we work fast and strategically. they all escaped before the police came, well i assume so anyways. i know for a fact starship will be out for your blood. step foot into nct's base or even your university, and they'll find you, they know how to find you." winwin shuffled through his bag to bring out a business card "quit the uni and join into this gang"

"i'm not going to give up my life to suicide in one of those gangs again. i won't make the same mistake" she shot out of her seat, winwin sighing heavily

"hyejin" his eyes bore sincerity "this isn't a choice anymore, is an obligation"

and the card was placed tenderly into her palm

Stone along with some sophisticated designs squashed into one tiny card was sprawled across it, hyejin's fingers curling around the object. winwin was right, she had no way out.

it crinkled ruthlessly under her grip, her scorching eyes balancing tears and rage all at once, her life feeling like a toy under the grasps of the heavy storms. everything seemed sullen, broken down and crashed till little fireflies enlightened on every piece of material. a war broke out in her head, and all she could taste was ash from the fallen grey clouds, and the bitterness of a fresh glow of blood.

delicate ruby drops looked familiar, like a friend who holds her hand along the pathway made of thorns. but you lose friends, and you lose blood. ultimately, you will lose everything, so why try?

"don't talk to him" winwin placed a hand on her arm "it'll make you look the wrong way"

"i've been looking the wrong way my whole life, it isn't his fault" nothing will ever be his fault in her eyes "i was the one who chose the wrong life, and chose the wrong path, and chose the wrong consequence"

"you don't choose those things, they just happen"

"but i chose to get involved, didn't i?"