(12:09 am)
((trigger warning: self harm))
(y/n)'s P. O. V.
After jumping through the portal I made, I rush to my bathroom and run my shower. I lock the door and sit down on my bath ((yes, yes. (y/n) has a bath and a shower. She's quite fancy)). I pull down my pants, taking out my dagger in the process.
I run a finger on the metal, letting some blood drip out of my skin. I sigh, looking down at my thighs. No more scars. It feels so empty. I place a hand on my thigh, sliding it down on my clear skin.
"This doesn't feel right..." I whisper under my breath "Why would I run away...? I could've so easily said 'I love you too'..." I sigh... "But could I...?"
I gently place my dagger's metal on my thigh. Without thinking twice, I make a slit. My blood rushes out of me, I feel relieved... I love this feeling... I deserve it... I deserve the pain... The satisfying pain...
"I guess I'm back to doing this..." I whisper to myself, laying a hand on my gash. I don't force any pressure on it, I just like feeling the blood... I deserve more than one... I mean, I left Rick all alone on that planet... For what? Because I'm surprised...? Because he's delusional...? No...
Because I'm afraid of falling in love... Again... I make another gash, this time, on my upper thigh. I can't help it, I love the pain. I love it when my blood falls and hits the ground. I stand up and get undressed, then jump into the running shower.
The hot water slightly burns my skin, but I don't mind. I just stand there for a while... I'm so cold... I'm such an idiot... I can only imagine what I put Rick through... I feel the same way about him... But... I can't say 'I love you' to him...
Yeah, I say it to my kids and unsed to say it all the time with Peter... But... But I don't think I'm able of saying it to him... Not now...
Time skip
(03:45 am)
I
sit in my office, trying to stop cutting myself. I have scars all over my wrists, thighs and knees. I can't help it. After leaving Rick, I just wanna die. He didn't deserve that... No matter how much of an ass he is to everyone... He doesn't deserve it...
I hear a beeping sound... I look around and see my hologram projector on my table... Rick's calling. I want to scream and smash the thing, but I just can't. I deny it and almost immediately, he calls again.
"I'm so sorry, Rick... But I can't..." I say in a soft voice before I deny. Again, he calls. I keep denying him, until... I just can't... My cheeks soaked with tears, I just star at the device... I can't answer... I can't deny... I just can't do it... "You wouldn't understand..."
I squeeze my eyes shut with my hands covering my face. It stops ringing for a while... Before beeping again... I shake my head and leave the room immediately. I rush to the kitchen, taking out my bottle of red wine. I gulp it down, straight from the bottle.
It doesn't help... But it was nice... I sigh, looking out of the window at the rain... I walk back to my office, sitting peacefully on the seat. I stare at the same device Rick kept calling... No sound... I try calling him, but get denied...
I mean, I understand... He doesn't want to talk... I sit in the cold room... I'm lonely... I mean... I like Rick... A lot... But... I guess Im not really over Peter...
I stumble to my bedroom, silently closing the door... I place my forehead on the door... Unable to move... I sigh and force myself to turn around... I take off my gown, I'm only wearing a shorts and a bra... I climb into bed... I pull the blankets up to my head. I curl into a ball underneath it and take out my phone. I scroll through my contacts and see Rick there... Well, not his name...
I saved him as 'Cutie😚💗'... Gross and cheesy, I know... I call Rick... No answer... I'm stupid... I can't just take a guy to a planet, get half naked with him, kiss him, expose myself, let him say his feelings, run away and then call him. I hang up and lay my head on my pillow.
I might really want to speak to him, but I can't... I don't have the strength... I just can't... What would happen if he does answer? I wouldn't carry on talking, nope I'd most likely just hang up... Because that's the type of person I am...
I'm a stupid, slutty, bitchy, snitching, Jerry-like, self absorbed, lonely, sad, heartbroken, ugly, piece of shit.
I start to cry again... I made my decision... I'm not gonna be with Rick... Even if I want to... I can't... I ran away... I deserve to feel this way... I deserve the pain...
I deserve it all...
