KakaoTalk | B.A.P Youngjae

34. Better off

When Youngjae and I eventually hung up that night after hours of talking, I fell asleep with a light and happy heart, but woke up with a oddly heavy one. For a few days, I felt gloomy while his stories replayed in my head like a broken loop, seeming to fall deeper and deeper into serious thoughts as I digest what he told me.

I started seeing things way too realistically. Things seemed to be so smooth, but in reality they are far from that. Talking to me is already a big risk for him. Our conversations could be leaked. If I would go to Korea, fans and reporters might find out about us and spread pictures or whatever. It wouldn't affect me, but it would not only affect him but all his members as well. I'd hate to think that they'd go through hardships again, and if it'd be because of me... The guilt would eat me up.

What should I do?

My focus has been on an all time low as I couldn't stop contemplating the risks. This is the last year of them being in TS, I can't allow myself to risk pointing unwanted attention to the group that could ultimately tarnish their reputation.

On the other hand, I might be overreacting.. Maybe I should talk to him about this? But I feel like his reply would be "don't worry about it" and I'd blindly listen to him because I really really want us to be together. Though, after days of pondering, I realized that it's just me being selfish.

The timing for us is completely off. So what if I'd go to Korea this summer, I wouldn't be able to stay -- and then what? Wait another year until we can meet again? I have two years left of uni after the summer and my master thesis on top of that, leaving me even busier than I am now. Even if he's free from his company in January next year, things are still unclear. Will he enlist? Will he join a new company? How much work does he need to put into his solo music? Will B.A.P continue without TS?

We're so far apart with less than zero time to see each other. Is it worth it for us to grow more attached? I literally can't see how we could make it work in the long run.

Maybe we're better off just.. not talking before our feelings get too deep. Or are we already at that stage?

I stare at our chat for what feels like an eternity, reading his recent messages over and over again. I feel so bad for not replying, but I was nowhere in my right mind to say something to him. For some reason I didn't want to just act as if everything's okay.

I start typing on a message.

Erase.

Type.

Erase.

I groan in frustration, letting my phone rest on the mattress as I bury my face in my hands.

Do I really have to do this? Maybe I should call him... Is it rude to just explain in text why I think we should stop talking? Probably. But if I explain it enough I'm sure he'll understand.

I just hope that he knows that this wasn't an easy decision for me..

yoshimochi
I honestly don't know how to start this message. I've done some thinking. About us, our future. I know I said that I'm never going to leave you, so it hurts me beyond words that I'm writing this right now. I'm so sorry. I've been thinking about what you've gone through, and I realized our timing is really bad. Our lives are so different. I don't want us to risk starting rumours that will harm your reputation, especially now when you're on your last year together. Cherish it with your members and your fans. Meanwhile me... I still have an education to finish. That's two years we'd have to wait. It's so shitty. I hate to be the one to make this choice alone but I was scared that you would stop me. It's better to stop now than to wait & hurt even more later. Please don't blame yourself, this is a choice I wanted to make. I think this is the best for the both of us right now. Who knows, maybe our paths will cross one day again, and that time we'll be ready. If not... then I won't regret falling for you. I'm thankful to you. I wish you so much happiness & success in life. I wish I could keep being there so you could tell me personally, but I won't be able to move on & accept that I can't be with you if I don't do this. But I know a part of my heart will always belong to you. Always. Please remember that.

I'll never forget you.. Thank you for everything.

The user babyjay is blocked

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