Mulligans

15. Go Steelers

Chase let the sand run through his fingers again. He'd been doing this for nearly an hour, not sure what his next move should be. He was scared to leave the beach and also very scared to be alone. Because that was how he felt now more than any other time in his life: absolutely, completely, and utterly alone. He knew he should do something—at least move from his crouched position in the sand. His legs had long ago fallen asleep, and the numbness had spread through his body, creating an aching well when it reached his heart. It was as if a black hole had been created in the center of his chest, and everything that had been so beautiful and exciting about the world an hour ago was now being sucked into the bottomless dark pit inside him. Chase prayed that he too would be sucked into the dark chasm within and disappear. It would be a hell of a lot easier than walking up the steps and facing the people at the barbecue, who he was sure would now all be staring at him with narrowed eyes, if they hadn't already gathered their pitchforks to drive him from town.

He knew he had to stand and make his way up the hill. Dusk had fallen and soon it would be dark. Surely most of the neighbors had already gone home. Chase smoothed out the pile of sifted sand and slowly pushed himself to his feet. Pinpricks danced up and down his legs. He rocked back and forth and kicked his feet to start the blood flowing again.

"You okay?"

Chase turned to see Tyler walking up the beach toward him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. My legs just fell asleep...."

"I thought maybe you fell asleep. You've been gone a long time," Tyler said as he reached Chase and looked him up and down. "Fine, huh? You know what my mom says fine stands for? Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. So, are you fine?"

Chase couldn't help but laugh but was surprised as tears filled his eyes at the same time. "Pretty much. Your mom said that?"

"Well, she had been drinking at the time. Forget about it, dude. Jim doesn't know his head from his ass and my mom... she just wasn't thinking." Tyler reached his arm around Chase's shoulder and gave him a squeeze. "It'd be totally different if she knew."

"Oh right. That." Chase felt another little twist in his gut, although it was nothing compared to his bruised feelings over Jarod.

Tyler bent down and picked up a handful of stones, handing some to Chase. He leaned back and then fired one from his hip, skipping it across the water. Chase tossed one of the stones up and down in his hand and then followed Tyler's lead casting it into the lake. "So, is everybody still up there or did they go home?" Chase asked.

"Most have gone home."

"Jarod and Christie?"

"Yup, left about an hour ago, said they were going to catch a movie."

"Is that all they said?"

"Yeah. What's up, Chase?"

Chase skipped another rock and then turned to look at his friend. "It's kind of like being a spy."

"What is?"

"Being gay. Because nobody knows for sure until I tell them. People will be brutally honest because they think nobody's listening, but I'm standing right there."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner? It's been bugging me."

"I didn't know how you'd take it. If you'd be okay seeing me with a dude," Chase said, looking out at the water. After a few moments he sat down in the sand, and Tyler joined him. The sun had dipped low on the horizon and sat like a colossal orange sinking into the lake. They sat in silence, watching the sky performing its evening light show. Eventually Tyler spoke, still looking out over the rippling water, now alive with the fire of the setting sun.

"I, ummm... I love you, man. I just want you to know that. But not like...."

"I know, no sword fights," Chase finished for him. "I love you too."

"Maybe we can think of a little more macho way to say it though...."

"Go Steelers?" Chase suggested after a few moments.

"Yeah, perfect. Go Steelers." Tyler tried it out. "Geez. That's the first time I ever said that to a guy."

"Me too," Chase said, realizing how much he loved Tyler, how thankful he was for the friendship, and how truly far he was from being alone.