a collection of everything & anything.

to my forbidden love

It's been years, it's been 5 years ever since I had a thing for you. Among those 5 years are the constant heartache, burning hatred, inexplicable repulsion against myself but amidst it all; I found love in circumstances I never thought of finding it. I was drawn towards you in ways I never thought a person could be drawn to. I learned to let my walls come down, I shared things I never thought of sharing. This new found love is what I read in poetry books while sipping coffee, this love is one I watched in movies thinking it will never happen to me, this kind of love was too good to be true. In fact it was too good to be true, not only was it forbidden but it was an unrequited love. This love was the most painful and most unbearable thing that ever existed.

However I knew whatever we were, there can never be a possibility that you will feel or even look at me the same way. What I did was accept the fact that there can never be an us, I wrote poems about you, made playlists that reminded me of you, I cried my heart out for you. The pain was excruciatingly painful, I had to distance myself, watch you be with someone else.", learn to accept that I will never be good enough for you. I will never be for you.

It took years but the lingering feelings are still there. I'm still reminded of the morning walks we used to make, I'm still reminiscing the good old conversations we had at night, I still had a special place for you in my heart. I knew you were someone special in my life and I guess you are in others as well. It took years to finally move on from you, to let you go and be happy for you!

I guess time can really do you good. The time you spent distancing yourself taught me to be independent, to love myself, and to grow maturely. I guess I have you to thank for that. The time we spent away only made our friendship stronger...because later that year we found each other again. We had our things going on for us, we had our priorities and overall we had grown up. We were not the same persons we were back then, you didn't become my angel anymore, we were both our own savior. You had now considered me a very close friend, you had shared amazing things in your life and I felt I was special too. You reminded me how much I inspire you, you told me you're there for me, you showed me how much you cared and loved me for who I am. All of that was more than I could ever ask for. We have become closer than ever before.

There was the distance, of course, this time I couldn't see you as often as I would want to. But that was okay, my heart learned not to look for you anymore. I was ensured that you'll be fine and I know that whenever we had something going on, we're just a phone call away.

You were my forbidden fruit, one that I never understood how I could fall for someone like you. If we met in a different time, in different situations and I was not this girl you knew, maybe just maybe... a tiny speck of hope and the hopeless romantic in me would like to think that we would've been more than friends. Maybe in another lifetime but I know that in this lifetime you would be my forbidden love.

The person that helped me discover myself, one who became my angel who didn't save me but help me learn to save myself, you were the person I know I could count on and the person that understood me in ways other people couldn't. For that, I thank you for teaching me the most painful and yet beautiful love I've ever got to experience. 

d.lui