so lately i haven't been feeling well, but it's been less of a thing that's there all the time. now it's sometimes i'm okay and then out of nowhere i'll start feeling not okay and those feelings are worse than what's usually there all the time. it's like a high and low and so on instead of a consistent line leaning towards the not okay end of the spectrum.
today my family's just being weird and they're not being all that bad but everything's bothering me and i don't know why. my younger sister, for a while, seemed like she wasn't that bad but then i realized how narcissistic she is, believing that everything she says and does is correct and that if anyone advises her they're immediately completely and utterly stupid for doubting her. a lot of this i feel like comes from how my family treats her. if she does something wrong, it's completely okay and right in her mind since she doesn't get enough attention. none of her actions are wrong unless it's the act of getting caught by my parents. to add to that, my mother's always talked about how cunning my sister can be sometimes and that if she put her brains to good use, she could get places.
rather than convince my sister to focus on her studies rather than her boy toys, my mother just gave her an ego boost. over the past four years, i've split apart from my family, choosing to stay glued to my phone or watch over the baby cousins in my family rather than talk to anyone older than the age of 5. recently, i made an effort to get closer to my sister after realizing how flawed her view is on certain issues and the fact that i've closed myself off from her has led to her not trusting me, only going to me when she needs me to cover her because my mother found out about her secret snapchat where she practically sexts multiple boys, etc has become very apparent.
and i'm being biased but after getting my sister to slightly open up to me (only because i had shit on her and i practically figured it out myself), i realized how insanely in her own head she is. if i gave her advice? i'm being an idiot. if i stay quiet and listen? i'm only trying to get dirt on her (which i kinda am, to be fair). if i agree with everything she says? i only boost her ego more and fuel her to make more stupid decisions.
recently she dated a boy in atlanta (she didn't even know he was in atlanta, he had once mentioned he was from dallas so she believed he was in dallas until after they started dating), and all she would talk about is "i'm gonna fuck it up, i've got five other boys in my dms, i'm such a hoe wOw i belong on the streets," talking about all of this as if was something to brag about.
maybe i'm not being liberal enough (although i see myself as fairly liberal) but if you're in an exclusive relationship you shouldn't be flirting/sexting/who knows what that even is anymore, she's sending the weirdest fucking texts with other people behind your significant other's back. obviously, soon enough she decided to end things with him, because she's convinced herself that she's going to cheat on him.
her exact words were "one boy is not enough for me" and okay, sure, consider poly, and that's what i told her. i asked her if she preferred poly and her answer? "no, poly isn't my thing, i'm just a girl with multiple sides."
um, okay sis.
i'm all for exploring your sexuality but the fact that she knew this and still chose to be in an exclusive relationship bothers me because that's just not fair to the other person in the relationship.
i don't know why i've made this entry about her, she hasn't really said much to me today, but i doubt i'll be talking more to her. she's just so firmly rooted in her thoughts of how ghetto she is— we live in a neighbourhood where the worst crime you'll hear about is the boy that jaywalked a few blocks away. i asked her what she was gaining from all this, and she paused, shrugged, and decided not to reply to me.
she's only made me feel worse because i can't imagine someone being so unbelievably stupid and self-centered and the fact that a person like that exists and just so happens to be my sister? it's unbelievable.
okay i'm bashing on her too much and she doesn't deserve all of this, i just feel so so bad and that doesn't justify it and nothing really justifies this but i'm human and these are my thoughts and this is my book so let's all agree that this is a toxic entry that shouldn't have been written but it's been written so let's just make sure my sister never sees this because i'll never hear the end of it.
⬫ elle ⬫
p.s. this never got posted, so here it is, three days later.
june 15th, 2020
YOU ARE READING
paroxysm - diary
Non-Fiction(n): sudden outburst of emotion-typically negative emotions. the diary (rant book?) of a girl that doesn't know how to articulate herself properly. it's technically a journal too but let's call it a diary.
