hi its me again.
note to mark: i always told you that you would be my #1 longer than i would be yours, and that i loved you more.
note part two: i found the time we were talking about it and we made a bet on who is gonna be the other's #1 longer. january 22nd, morning for you. pay up, i win.
so honestly i've been pretty numb when it comes to mark, excluding random nights where i realize he's been drifting away from me and then i'll cry but it's okay because crying is a good release.
yeah so mark and i don't talk anymore, and when we do it's probably for ten minutes, max. and at this point, i've accepted it. it's whatever. mark and i had talked about drifting apart before and he said if we ever did it's best to just let it happen and not mention it and risk making shit awkward. i tried to mention it back in late august/early september and he didn't listen so now i'm not going to bother.
lmfao
this has been going on since the end of july and i don't know what to do to stop it so i think i'm just going to let it happen. i'm pretty sure he's consciously drifting away from me so it's okay. i'll just let him do what he wants to do because if he's doing it consciously chances are there's a reason. do i want to know the reason? yes. am i going to ask him? no. why? because i care too much about him to pressure him into telling me why.
honestly i think he's happier and he's generally doing better so i don't want to ruin it for him by telling him any of this. last night i dreamt of him and it was a nice dream, but i cried when i woke up because i realized i'm probably never going to see him in person or even talk to him properly. i don't know what i was thinking either, because i texted him telling him i dreamt about him and that it was "kinda nice, kinda sad." he asked what i meant when i said sad afterwards and i just told him i didn't know why i said that.
i thought about it and i think he was just in this for the high you get when you meet someone new and get attached to them quickly. on the other hand, i think i actually was in this for him rather than the high. and i'm not blaming him or saying this is all his fault for everything i'm feeling because he didn't know when he was in the thick of it. and now he's going to be gone and it's okay. i don't blame him for anything. i'm sad and hurt, yes, but i've thought about this for so long that i'm basically numb to it now (excluding the random crying sessions). i'm going to keep trying until the end of october to be there for him, but after that i'm just going to let him go.
i doubt i'll update this journal anymore. it's really helpful, but i associate this with mark and i just want to stop thinking about him until i no longer feel anything when i think about him, which i don't think will ever happen. i think i'll always love him and care about him and i'll always feel a little hurt when i think about him but it's okay.
if mark ever sees this, i'm sorry. i really thought you were my forever person.
⬫ elle ⬫
october 19th, 2020
update: 11/10/2020 haha sike bitches i'm too attached to leave
things are going okay right now so im not gonna mess with things by updating this properly, i don't know what this entry does to me/if mark reads this entry.
update 2 for clarification: i still don't think mark's my forever person, i'm just not ending it rn.
YOU ARE READING
paroxysm - diary
Non-Fiction(n): sudden outburst of emotion-typically negative emotions. the diary (rant book?) of a girl that doesn't know how to articulate herself properly. it's technically a journal too but let's call it a diary.
