note: i mention abandonment issues multiple times and i can't say for sure that i have those issues, but i do refer to it like that because that's the only way i can think of wording it. ideally i'll figure out what exactly it is, if it's abandonment issues or not, and i'll start explaining it better in later entries. sorry to all those that get salty over my terminology.
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i wrote this early this morning on my phone and i decided to put it here because i have to delete it from my notes in case someone gets access to it, i don't know if i consider this a legitimate entry:
okay so i was backlogging my texts with mark and i'm feeling kind of anxious and very insecure right now.
i've convinced myself yet again that mark doesn't give a shit about me and i'm just waiting for him to be like "yeah this isn't as exciting as it used to be" and then dip. i thought backlogging might help but now it's just made it worse (which was obvious, i was feeling kind of numb about it earlier). i'd rather mark just tell me right away that he doesn't want this anymore so that i can at least get rid of the anxiety. the insecurity will stay and it'll probably get worse but i'd have to get over it sooner or later.
i don't want to write a lot today.
that's all i had written in the morning, and after thinking about it more, i'm at the same conclusion that i've gotten to before, which is that i'm not ready for a close relationship (platonic, non-platonic, anything) because of how insecure i am and my (possible) abandonment issues. i've never gotten this attached to people outside of my family, excluding two of my friends from when i was in elementary school and they're basically family at this point. now that i'm actually dealing with attachment and having to be attached to someone else that i can't really rely on is somewhat scary so i get why i'm insecure about it and i'm trying to be conscious of the fact but at the same time i'm also kind of conscious about the fact that mark and i might not be close forever as we both like to think we'd be. i mentioned this to him but we didn't really talk about it and my insecurity is keeping me from bringing it up again so i'm probably just going to try and be as conscious about it as i can and accept it. i don't think i'm mature enough for this kind of attachment and i've told mark this and he thinks it's fine but i don't think it is? i'm not sure, honestly. i'm still like a child when it comes to attachment and trust, i need the other person to have either been there forever (e.g. family) or i need that constant reassurance that we're okay.
i think this stems from the fact that when i was younger, i was always the one that was more attached in a relationship and ended up getting hurt (dramatic, i know) and i've developed this way of not getting attached to anyone since like sixth grade, which is why all of middle school (grade 6 through 8) was so nice for me, i had the friends i wanted and i had a lot of fun but i didn't have to deal with the attachment of it all. it was like i formed the insecurities of attachment already and those insecurities were scary enough for me to give up on attachment entirely. once i graduated and went to high school with a whole new group of people, it was as if i had no close friends in middle school worth contacting at all. the same happened at the end of high school, i didn't bother staying in contact with any of them because i had never really let myself get attached to most of them (the one person i did get attached to had graduated a year before me and we had a falling out). so now that i'm attached to mark, all the abandonment issues i had formed in elementary school are now all present and thriving because i had never gone out of my way to deal with them, rather i just tucked them away and didn't let myself get attached. and i can't continue doing that because it's not really the best way of dealing with it and i'm already too attached to mark to suddenly just not be attached and get over my issues.
yeah, as of right now i don't really know what to do. some days i'm completely numb to the fact that i believe mark doesn't care about me, and some days i just want to cry every time i check his texts.
i'll update one day and hopefully this will be resolved.
⬫ elle ⬫
september 29th, 2020
YOU ARE READING
paroxysm - diary
Non-Fiction(n): sudden outburst of emotion-typically negative emotions. the diary (rant book?) of a girl that doesn't know how to articulate herself properly. it's technically a journal too but let's call it a diary.
