paroxysm - diary

xvii

i was feeling a little off talking to mark earlier, reference to the previous entry about my insecurities with him. 

i don't know how to word things right now, which is weird because when i'm writing my entries, everything suddenly makes so much more sense to me and it's so much easier to write everything down but now that i am writing, it's like i've lost every thought that i just had. but basically, i was thinking about the relationship mark and i have, and i was wondering if i was only in it for the high and that i didn't actually connect with mark at all. 

obviously that's not the best mindset to have, but it needs to be addressed so it's good that i thought about it and right now i'm a little numb and a little okay with it so it's all good. i reread my previous entry before writing this, and i really like how i wrote the end of it, how i summarized burying all my abandonment issues with meaningless friendships/relationships/etc, which sounds like the heartbreaker cliche but it isn't that. i didn't go out of my way to hurt others solely because i couldn't be attached, while i was friends with them i didn't let them question if i was attached to them or not, they felt that i was attached to them and i let them feel that and i didn't take that away from them until i was no longer in constant contact with them, in which case they can simply excuse it with the fact that we don't have opportunities to stay in contact. 

i really dislike my parents for this, i feel like if anything, a large portion of my insecurities stem from them. throughout my childhood, especially elementary school, they controlled everything about me, from my friends to my home life, and that's where i think they started to mess up. by controlling who i was friends with, it was a consistent change of my friends because initially my parents would approve, but once they got to know my friends they would change their mind because they didn't understand kids, they expected too much from every single one of my friends. two of my friends that i'm still with friends today got around this because my parents knew their parents before i knew the two of them, so my parents never went out of their ways to basically analyze them. the only two friends that i made that i was close to, however, that my parents analyzed and approved of, were both very into the idea of bringing me down to their level. and now that i think about it, it wasn't their fault because they were just kids annoyed with the fact that i had always been the smarter one, the funnier one, the more athletic one. all these basic traits i excelled at and even though they were better than me in so many other ways, those basic traits were what they focused on because we were all so young, too young to consider anything deeper than that. and what resulted was two toxic friendships were i constantly felt like i didn't deserve them and they're so nice for even bothering to talk to me. around fifth grade (i was 9/10 years old), when my parents had started to give me some freedom, i began to talk more to the kids that actually treated me like one of them and ended up moving into a different friend group entirely, which was somewhat detrimental. i sucked up everything from elementary school and covered it up with pure arrogance and pride, i became the one girl that always had shit to say about something because i believed that i could be more respected and just a better person simply if i acted like i was as knowledgeable and perfect as i wanted people to believe. one of my friends in my old high school saw this, and he called me out, in front of me he would tease me about it and now that i'm thinking about it, he was right, he had understood me better than i was understanding myself in that time period and he was trying to help without being direct about it. and now that i think about it, that might be why he's the one person from my past that i miss consistently, because he had just understood me from day one and still managed to not be direct about it and allow me to be his friend, he went with everything i did and treated me the way he knew i wanted him to treat me. i don't know if he did this consciously but it doesn't matter because he understood me. i really doubt the chances of him ever finding this, the chances are practically impossible, but i met mark so i guess i'll have a little faith in him finding this. if he does, i miss you arturo. but back to my elementary friends, i never addressed the toxicity of my old friends, i had accepted it as a part of me and now i'm insecure and i have these abandonment issues that were only further added to by my parents with their constant claims that i'm nothing to them if i don't go somewhere in life. 

towards the end of that paragraph i just got filled with a sense of dread that someone is going to read this and tell me i'm over analyzing and trying to find an excuse for my insecurities with my current relationships and i had to end that paragraph because i've convinced myself that i am looking for an excuse and that this isn't me being even remotely thoughtful, rather just dumb as fuck. 

i'm hurting a little bit right now in my throat and my chest, that feeling you get right before you cry but a little different, i haven't cried yet and that feeling has been there for about an hour or so. i don't think i'll talk to mark in the evening, solely because the only thing i want to do right now is be in my own world and the only person i would want to talk to is casey because casey understands what i'm like when i feel like this and she understands what to do and how she can help me and i appreciate her so much more for this. 

honestly can we make this entry a casey-appreciation entry. that would be so much better than what this is right now.

casey, if you ever find this, you know you're casey. don't doubt yourself solely because you doubt yourself over everything, you are my casey. and i appreciate you and care about you a lot and i don't know what i would do without you.

i love you.

⬫ elle ⬫

p.s. mark i love you too don't be sad just because i appreciated casey in this entry more than you.

p.p.s. also mark i swear to god if you read this entry i dislike you so much because i want something of my own, i don't want to have to worry about how you'll react to this. 

p.p.p.s if arturo ever finds this, hmu. elle's a pseudonym in case you didn't realize and you're not sure who this is lmao

october 12th, 2020