paroxysm - diary

v

still assuming that i know my roman numerals as googling it is a waste of time.

mark's something else, i don't know how to convey how close i am to him. he's my #1, my greatest friend (more than a friend? we're in a gray area and we're okay with it). and if he ever finds this, do me a favour and don't tell me you've found this. you know how i am.

i'm going to ask my dad for a practice pad (basically how drummers can start off learning if they don't actually have a drum set), i did my research and found a fairly decent starter practice pad, drumsticks and stand included. i've been thinking about it for a while, getting into the drums. this practice pad, the idea to finally go ahead and ask for one, to start, all that credit goes to mark.

we were talking and he was asking me what excited me. what was i doing right now that excited me, that made me happy? we weren't focusing on long term goals, but what was i doing now that gave me purpose?

i thought about it for a long time and there's nothing. so then i considered, what does give me purpose? what do i want to get into that i know isn't a one-time "oh i should try this out!" kind of thing? 

the drums.

i'm going to college this fall and the fact that i'm moving into a dorm next year, it didn't make sense to jump straight into getting myself a full drum set (it doesn't make sense regardless, it seems better to start out with a practice pad, the financial commitment isn't as risky), so i found myself a practice pad set. my college has a music major, so obviously there'll be practice rooms there, and hopefully in my free time i can get a friend to teach me the drums, on a full drum set.

all of today and yesterday i've been so unbelievably excited and i love it. i love this feeling of knowing that i might get a practice pad and i can start spending all my time learning the drums and as soon as quarantine ends and i go to college, i'll be able to practice on a drum set, a real one, cymbals and all.

this excitement is unbelievable, i can't imagine why i wasn't as passionate about getting into the drums now instead of waiting until college, something that'll correlate with my connection to music, something that i can spend years on and never get tired of and just develop and push myself until i can play the drums like matt halpern - let's be realistic, it'll take a solid 12-13 years to even get close to his level, but imagine being able to play the drums and be so committed to something that excites me so much, something i don't even have yet. this isn't the same excitement as when your parents buy you a new bike, this excitement is the excitement at finding something that you know will fill you with so much passion.

even now, when i listen to music, my tendency is to pick out the drums first, focus on the drums, watch the drummer's playthroughs and watch how filled with purpose they are when they're playing. it takes me longer to focus and pick out the guitars, the synth, all of which can be just as phenomenal as the drums and i should focus on, considering they're more difficult for me to pick out.

i don't think i'm going to tell mark about this, though. i don't want him to know. this may make him sound like a bad person or a bad friend, but once when we were listening to music together, i was drawn to the drums (as always), and he told me i needed to focus on the guitars - which to be fair, the guitars were phenomenal in that song and i understand why i needed to focus on them - and that i wasn't a drummer.

so i, being the stubborn and angsty person that i am, have decided not to tell him about my practice pad, my idea to learn the drums, to feel that feeling of being so fulfilled like drummers look like they feel, until i'm so insanely into it that it's not something i can hide from him. 

it's not my fault that i'm your new obsession - a lyric from the song i'm listening to now, the band isn't that great but the drums are really nice and focused, but if i had a set of drums that could think that's what the drums would be thinking of.

except it's a long-term obsession, i know it. i've never been so excited for something like this before, the only thing that comes close to exciting me as much as this does is seeing mark in december, flying to his country (hopefully, if corona clears up), and even that excitement is a different kind of excitement, it's not as connected to passion and fulfillment and purpose as much as this kind of excitement is. i was in the car for about two hours yesterday and two hours the day before(long drives, i know), and those four hours were spent thinking of how amazing it would be if i could play songs that matt halpern has written, or songs even close to that level of skill and practice.

it's insane, i love how i can visualize myself playing songs i've watched matt halpern play (and if you haven't realized yet, matt halpern is my favourite drummer as of now, he's definitely not the best drummer i've seen, but the one i'm the most committed too, for sure).

also if any of you guys go watch any of matt halpern's drum playthroughs, i recommend starting off with lune. it's insane, i love it. 

alright my mom's calling me and i've gotta go. 

tl;dr: drums are insane wow i love them and i'm getting a practice pad so i can learn.

⬫ elle ⬫

june 22nd, 2020