paroxysm - diary

ixv

i'm listening to what's probably my most favourite song of all time.

i'm not sure what exactly i'm feeling right now. i realized one of the textbooks i borrowed from my library was the wrong edition and now i'm anxious because once my dad gets home and i have to tell him i messed up getting this book and chances are i'll have to buy one, he's going to get mad and i'd rather not deal with that.

the past two days were kind of nice, but now i'm just really plain. there's no significant emotion that i'm feeling, even the anxiety over my textbook is just there and it'll fade away in a bit. 

i kindaaaaa want to cry but i don't have any reason to nor do i feel anything that would make me want to cry but it's sort of like my mind's like "you haven't cried in two days, what's going on" if that makes sense.

basically i cry too much and now that i've had two good days it's like my mind is freaking out.

i'm tired and i want to stay in bed all day and do nothing and i don't know if this is me being lazy.

i don't think anything is off with me, in terms of mental health. casey and i talked about it and we considered different ideas.

the thing we can both agree on is that the medication i'm on (with mental side effects) might just be amplifying my otherwise normal emotions, thought processes, reactions, etc. it's like how i freaked out over having nothing to do a few days ago, which is when we talked about it. she asked me if that had happened before, where i panic over literally nothing, and it became a little obvious that i was never this panicky before my medications. now i get anxious and paranoid over little things like "oh so and so didn't address this one text in this entire paragraph i sent them" which sounds like it's me being insecure but if i was the same person i was in eighth grade, i wouldn't have even written that entire paragraph, let alone give a shit about if they addressed that one text. i don't know if this is just because i've changed throughout high school, but how does someone change so much over a span of four years. on top of that, it's not like i spent those four years handling drastic change, if anything i've become less of an extrovert and more of an introverted person. this isn't to say i'm no longer an extrovert because if i'm feeling well i can easily make a bunch of friends, but i've been less open to the idea of making close friends. throughout high school i've made only one friend that i can consider to be somewhat close that i still talk to today, excluding mark and casey. the rest of my friends i've known since before high school and i was close to even before then. i don't know what brought this on and chances are i'm just being overdramatic but i'm writing this out so i can come back and read this when i'm older and i know more about this and i can address where i went wrong. 

i am just tired. i'm not depression tired like some of my friends are, nor am i lazy tired (i think). i just don't want to do anything right now, for absolutely no reason at all. i don't feel inclined to stay and do nothing nor do i feel inclined to do anything. i don't want to watch youtube, do my homework, scroll through instagram, clean my room. i'm just tired.

i haven't been playing the drums consistently and mark got a little confused when he found out, and i don't know why i haven't been playing them. every day i don't play, the night of i feel very wrong, which mark asked me about. he asked if my day felt wrong if i didn't play the drums and if i said yes he'd ask why i didn't play the drums and then tell me that my day didn't feel wrong to me otherwise i would've practiced. it's not the "ooh i'm tired of this" or the "oh it's not as fun as i thought, it's mostly grunt work". i just haven't practiced consistently.

the days i feel good are usually the days i dedicate to (slightly) getting ahead/catching up on things like schoolwork and once my parents come home then there's no chance i'll be able to get on the drums since my parents are just those parents that are going to come and stand and watch me practice and it's going to stress me out and i don't want to associate that stress and my parents with the drums. and it makes sense for me to just practice during the day and do my homework when my parents are home but when i do end up doing my homework, it's always like i'm in a rush because if i wait any longer i'll lose that good feeling and i won't have my homework done. 

this morning my mom came into my room before she left for work, and she told me to just leave my phone on my dresser and try to relax instead of spend my time staring at my phone, which i did. i think she figured i would've gotten out of bed earlier or something like that, which is a fair assumption. what ended up happening was that i just stared at the wall until like 10am, two hours later than the usual time i get out of bed. my dad kept consistently checking on me as if he expected me to get my phone from the dresser and be on that. 

after a while i decided i needed to get out of bed and i did, and then i went and got ready, had breakfast, the usual. right after that, my dad left for work, like he was restricted from going to work until i got out of bed. 

i don't know what to do. i have my homework open and ready to be done but i just won't start on it, even though i've figured out the first few questions. i'm just here, writing in my journal because i don't know what's going on. i'm trying to spend as much time writing as possible because this is the only thing i've been able to bring myself to commit to today, and i don't know what i'm going to do after i finish this entry. i'm probably just going to lie down for a bit and maybe start my homework if i can force myself to. 

i really want to talk to casey right now but i think she might be busy so i'll talk to her later. i would talk to mark but he's being kind of annoying, spamming random emojis and memes and expecting me to have responses to each and every one. any other day i wouldn't mind but right now i just need him to stop and to just monologue about something that i'll actually understand, like why orange is his favourite colour, something random and simple like that.

he just referenced a thing that a singer of one of the bands we both listen to says a lot, and i didn't get it for a second since i didn't properly think of it and now i get it and now i just don't want to bother telling him that i get it and he doesn't need to explain it.

i'm going to end this entry now, and go force myself to do something, i don't care what it is.

⬫ elle ⬫

september 19th, 2020