paroxysm - diary

xi

honestly surprised that i know my roman numerals up to 11 (for all i know i'm getting these all wrong but let's pretend that i know what i'm doing).

i'm currently in my english comp ii class, which is pretty cool, and usually i would pay attention but i miss mark so i'm going to post.

i don't remember my last entry very clearly but i do know it wasn't the best entry (i think, i might be remembering the entry before my last entry). right now i'm pretty tired, but in a normal way.

mark and i have talked a bit and we're cool now, which is nice. i've gotten closer to one of my other friends, i'll name her casey (don't ask, it was the first name to come to mind, which is actually the name of my old coach).

casey and i get along, which is nice. we've been talking daily, and we both understand each other and we say stupid things that would otherwise make anyone else cringe but to us it's the funniest thing in the world at that moment. 

my parents have been very annoyed and stressed lately, mostly because my siblings are starting school and the same happens every year. once classes start (oh my god my professor just called on me and i had to be like "uhhh yes i agree" and i got lucky because that was apparently a good response), my parents get very "go to sleep at 10 or else you guys won't be able to wake up at 7!!!!!". 

they're kind of stupid in that sense, i've been waking up at 7 for weeks now and sleeping later than 10, but they don't seem to understand that, and rather are convinced that the more i sleep, the better. i would be cool with going to bed at 10 as long as i can at least use my phone or do work in bed but they would freak out if they ever saw me doing anything other than trying to sleep/sleeping in bed. their logic is that i should sleep as much as i can because when i work in the future i won't be able to sleep as much?? which makes zero sense since that's not how sleep works and i can't just sleep a lot twenty years and then sleep three hours for the next twenty.

also i'm e i g h t e e n. i'm an adult and i don't expect complete freedom but i should at least be able to decide when i go to sleep.

jesus i sound like such a child. right now what i'm focused on it switching to dorming for my second year and getting a full scholarship so that i can not worry about tuition/dorming fees at all. as long as i can maintain that, i'll have a savings account where i'll deposit all my money in after i get a job (i've applied to a bunch, just waiting on responses as of right now), and save up as much as possible so that once i finish college, i'm as financially independent as i can be and ideally move out as soon as i can live off my own earnings. realistically, i won't be able to move out immediately after college, but saving up as much as i can now is useful to contributing towards that. 

my parents are paying for my tuition fees and they would pay for my dorming fees as well once i start dorming, so i shouldn't worry about that, but knowing them, they'll expect me to start paying a portion as well once i get a job and start saving up my own money. i can convince them to pay for me, but i'd rather not go through all that trouble since it's just unnecessary work. 

to add, i was looking at the scholarships that my university offers and i realized i should've qualified for a scholarship that i wasn't given and i'm assuming this is because with that scholarship i would have a negative balance (meaning that the tuition i pay now is less than the amount of that scholarship). i might contact my university about this and ask, hopefully get at least whatever is remaining of my scholarship covered because if i can get it covered, why wouldn't i?

after my classes end i might go running, i'd like to get back into shape considering that i haven't had a set workout schedule. my parents aren't allowing me to workout but lately they've somewhat realized that i need to do something like workout/go run and hopefully they'll let me go. 

honestly even if they don't let me go i'll just go and deal with them when i get back.

today's a pretty nice day so far, so after running and showering, i'll get a bunch of my work done. a few of my classes have posted the entire semester's work and i want to see if i can get the work for the entire semester done for as many classes as i can so that i have less of a workload for the rest of the semester and i have more time to delegate to other things.

this entry is relaxing, i do this every once in a while where i'll talk to a friend and explain everything i've got planned right now, pretty much the same as always but slightly adjusted to make up for the changes that occur in the previous few weeks. this time, however, rather than tell a friend (because i'm supposed to be in class), i decided to write an entry here, so that i can get this all out, typed and all.

i'll leave it here for now, but tl;dr: i'm okay.

⬫ elle ⬫

september 9th, 2020

also p.s. my brother's birthday is tomorrow.