One Last Attempt

001

I didn't have another exam after Baker's death. Instead, I laid in bed for days. I laid so long that I felt like I melted into my mattress and became one with my sheets. I swam in an ocean of my own sweat.

Baker's funeral came quickly. It had only been a week, and I was standing there, in the same suit that I wore to prom. Actually, the suit was one of the few things I owned that was pre-Baker. I hadn't realized that over the last three years that we knew each other, I had replaced all of my things. I had become a new person.

And Baker, he had become dead.

I had been to funerals before Baker. Two of my great-grandparents had died. At the time, I hadn't been upset at their deaths. After all, old people die all the time. Their funerals had been filled with babies running around, and adults laughing over photo books put together by my great-grandparents. There were still tears, mostly from my grandparents and their siblings, but otherwise, we were fine.

At Baker's funeral, nobody even dared cough. It was smaller than I had expected because I knew that Baker had a ton of friends. The event was by invitation only, and so Mrs. Jones only invited a select few of us. Four, to be exact. Thankfully, it was The Four. Jessie, Ava, Mari and me.

Jessie cried the entire time, even though he tried his best to hide it. We had both met Baker during frosh week and had lived together in second year. Jessie has only ever operated in a cycle of joy and anger, spinning so quickly that whenever I got caught in the middle, I got sick to my stomach. That day, Jessie looked at the ground so I wouldn't see his tears, but he stayed glued to my side.

The entire ceremony, his girlfriend Ava held his hand. Over the years, I had gotten to know her well. At Baker's funeral, she kept on the same, tight-lipped expression that she always had. When she looked at me, I caught a flicker of wetness in her eyes, before they darted away. She let her blonde hair fall in her face, obscuring her from me. It was unusual for her to hide.

Like me, Mari did not cry. It was the first time we had seen each other since Baker's death, but not the first time that we had spoken. The others had given up after one text, but not Mari. From the little I skimmed from her message, I gathered that she had felt her heartbreak before the funeral.

I wanted to hold her hand. Not for her sake, but for mine. It had been so long since I had left the pressure of my blanket that I felt entirely exposed. It was selfish of me, but I imagined that everyone was staring at me. Unfortunately, Mari was next to Ava, leaving me on the end. Just as I had been since Baker's death, I was alone.

Baker's mother cried the entire time. We had only met on a handful of occasions. Before we had gone inside, we had all agreed to go up together and give her our condolences. It seemed impossible inside, however. Jessie was the most outgoing of us all, and if he couldn't pull himself together to talk to her, then I most certainly couldn't either.

They didn't bury Baker. His body was in an urn. Obviously, that made his death feel less real. I hate to think about it because I still wasn't able to believe that Baker had died. All of it felt like one hellish nightmare, and I was desperate to wake up.

After the funeral, we pulled through a fast food place, because Jessie was hungry, and he was my ride. Ava ordered him three different sandwiches. None of the rest of us could eat.

After we pulled through, we sat in the car while Jessie ate.

"At least exams are done," Ava pointed out.

Jessie shot her a glare, and she shrugged. "I'm sorry. What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing," he snapped back, his mouth full of food. The sight was making my stomach churn.