AMaZiNg GrAyCE and the Amazing Race!

Chapter 11: What?

Three months later and I have stressed myself into not being able to fit my jeans. It's ridiculous. I look at all the chip bags and candy wrappers laying around me and feel ashamed of myself.

During my day at school, I cleaned my classroom and Dennis walked in with Vicky. I went to shake her hand and she instead hugged me, her affection catching me somewhat off guard. We sat and talked for a while and she told me that since she realized she is ace and not crazy, she is a lot happier. She kept thanking me over and over again like I actually did something. She told me she really loves Dennis and could be considering moving to LA for him, but hoped he gets a job back in Northern California. They smiled at each other and I could tell they were in love. I wished them the best.

Hearing that Dennis could move caught me by surprise. Even though it had only been a couple of months, Dennis had actually grown on me. He told me we would still be friends from afar. They invited me and Beth to dinner with them but I had a physical scheduled after work so we planned for that Saturday before Vicky left for NorCal.

While at my doctor's office, my doctor and I were both surprised at the fact that I gained eight pounds since she saw me last. The significance of my weight gain made me feel embarrassed, but her advice was for more physical activity and less sugar. I have been fit all my life, eating whatever I wanted. She said now that I was about to be 30, things were going to change.

Then, she asked me about my period and I admitted I have only had a few since my visit last year. She has been trying to get me to regulate it by giving me birth control, but I never agreed to that idea. I had been getting it every three to four months, but it had been six months since the last one. Since I was feeling old, she talked me into a low dosage of the pill just to get things back on track.

Suddenly, she made me take a mandatory pregnancy test. After waiting the designated amount of time, she came back to me with a shell-shocked expression. It was positive.

Immediately, I told her that was impossible and that I needed to take another one. She believed me, but once again, it came out positive. I was so confused. She asked if I actually had sex recently and I told her I did, but it was almost 4 months ago. Wheeling in the ultrasound machine from her office, she applied the gel onto my stomach and we looked together. We saw an avocado-sized fetus in my womb. She said I looked about 16 weeks. As the reality of the situation hit me, I felt nauseous instantly. I didn't know what to do.

"I can't have a baby." I whispered, feeling my eyes begin to water. She seemed surprised, asking me why not. "...What if something happens to it?"

"Well, you are already in the second trimester. Most miscarriages happen in the first."

My head was starting to pound. "What about a stillbirth? My mom had one in her last month."

"I'm sorry to hear that. There are always risks with pregnancy, but it's like that with basically anything. You really are past the more critical stages."

"No." I shook my head firmly. "I don't want to risk it."

"So you don't want to risk losing the baby, but you would rather get rid of it?" She frowned, sending me a look of confusion.

"First, it's not a baby. I...I just don't want to do this. It's too much for me right now. I just lost my twins and—"

"You were pregnant?" She asks as her eyebrows tighten and a look of worry washes over her face.

"No, the babies I was adopting. Their aunt came and took them, moved them out of the country, and now I will never see them again." Reliving the events in my head, I started to cry. The doctor, in an act of compassion, handed me tissues. "I don't want to lose any more kids. Ever. Can you just take it out now, please?"

She looked worried. "No, Zoe, I can't. You need to go home and think about it, then call and make an appointment. It's going to be okay."

I was so upset and drove home in a daze. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to tell Beth, but at the same time, I knew that I couldn't. I felt sick and ashamed. Our hang out night was this weekend and I didn't want to see anyone. I even went as far as cancelling lunch with Dennis and Vicky.

When it was time to go to James and Jessie's, I got a message in our group chat that they needed to cancel until next week. A wave of relief washed over me at that news. I didn't feel like seeing anyone.

After Beth left for work, my doorbell rang. Thinking that she probably left something and didn't want to take out her key, I opened the door unsuspectingly to Richard. The look on my face seemed to give it all away.

"Why do you look like a deer in headlights?'' he asked.

I exhaled, widening the door for him to enter. "Come in."

"I didn't get the not hanging out text until I was headed over to their place. After that, I was already out and thought that I could come hang with you and Beth."

"Well, since James and Jessie canceled, Beth just traded a shift so she could hang with us next weekend."

"Oh, that makes sense. What are you up to?"

"I... I don't really want company right now." I turned away from him.

"Zoe, what is going on?" he asked, following my steps. "You still can't be upset about what happened months ago."

I am not sure why, but there was something about what he said or the way he said those words that made my mood drop. Maybe it was just me being hormonal, but I started to cry.

Immediately, his tone softened. "Hey, what's going on? Zoe, what's wrong?" I started to hug him, but he backed away. I instantly got mad at myself because I forgot that he doesn't hug people.

"I'm sorry." he flinched, moving back towards me. "I mean... yeah, come here if you need a hug, but don't be mad at me after."

"No, no. I don't need a hug. I need...I think you should sit down." I said, sniffling and wiping at my under eyes.

"Did someone die?" He asked nervously.

"No. I'm sorry, I was in denial at first but... I was just so tired and dizzy lately and I had a physical and .... I'm 16 weeks pregnant now."

"Wait, what? Zoe I... oh my god."

"Yeah. I feel like ... just horrible. I plan on terminating it. I just don't know, I thought you should know."

"Terminating?" he breathed out, his eyes widening. "Wow, okay... Did you tell Beth?"

I shook my head. "No. I can't."

"Do you want me to go with you then?"

"You can.... if you want."

Richard nodded. "Yeah I will. When are you doing it?"

"Well, I only have a few weeks left to take action, I guess. I'm going in a few days. I just want to get it over with."

"So, you just found out after all this time?"

"Yeah, I was stressing lately so nothing seemed different and my period only comes a few times a year anyways."

"Do you think.... I don't know." He scratched at his neck. "I know it is your decision and I'm not trying to take that away from you at all, but don't you want to think about it longer?"

"No. I know I can't have a baby. I should just get it over with. I don't want to start thinking I can have this only for it to be taken away from me."

Richard just nodded. He stayed with me that night until I fell asleep.