Focus - Logicality

Logan - Okay, I'm Sick

After School: Friday, March 12th

I should have seen this coming. We've been dating for less than three days and I've already scared him once and gotten him injured twice: once in the library when he tripped and sprained his ankle and again this morning when Remus and I fought. Patton said he forgives me, but what if I don't forgive myself?

After the violent confrontation with Remus, we sat in the bathroom with Virgil and Roman for over an hour while Patton cried. Virgil managed to convince me that Patton does not blame me for the incident, but nothing else. I mean, would all this have happened if I didn't feel so protective of Patton? If he wasn't there, I would have just walked away from Remus--I'm just lucky we didn't get caught, because getting expelled on my fifth day at a new school would not look good on my future  resumé. In conclusion, the incident is my fault for fighting back, not Remus's fault for being his usual asshat self that picks fights.

After I went to the nurse to get ice, I took a few minutes to compose myself before I met Patton and Roman in the bathroom. Class went about the same as it usually did--even Astronomy with Patton. I'll admit that being his partner for the constellation project was quite enjoyable, but the I found the project itself to be less stimulating than I had hoped. Maybe Patton was right to say that I'm a fast learner.

I told Patton that he should ride home with Virgil and Roman today in case Remus returned. He wasn't happy about it, but he said he'd do it to make me feel better--which, of course, it didn't--but at least Patton didn't get hurt again. He's coming over in about ten minutes after he finishes his homework; we're 'just hanging out' because apparently 'that's what friends do.' Or did he say boyfriends? It's all new to me. Anyway, I don't particularly mind; I enjoy his company, even if  it makes my productivity level drop exponentially.

For now, I'll just pretend everything is fine. The good part is that around Patton, it's easy, because everything is fine when we're together: he makes it fine. Not like I'm not lost and hurting, because I know I still am, but like I can be myself and it doesn't matter how broken I am, because he's...different. It's almost like it's okay to feel. But it's still not okay, and whenever he's not around, that knowledge hits me like a freight train. Is that normal? Because I don't think it's normal.

I don't need emotions. I am a robot. I am a machine, and nothing more. I am insignificant. All the questions swirling in my mind are killing me just as much as the scars on my arm, but writing everything down does help a little bit. So would talking to Patton about it, but that's out of the question. I don't think he would respect what I'm doing to myself.

I started using this notebook this morning, and I've already filled almost six pages. Sometimes I'll just write a few open-ended questions, other times I'll fill an entire page in five minutes. It almost always helps ease my mind. For someone who hates feelings, I feel a lot. I don't know what it was, but something happened after I met Patton that made me acutely aware of my feelings--the good ones and the bad ones. There is one feeling, however, that I still can't place a finger on. The one that supplies me, much to my dismay, with the urge to stop eating or do something I'm supposed to regret with the pocket knife I keep in the bottom of my school bag. I can't put a name to this feeling, but I don't think I want to. I doubt I would like the end result.

And, now comes the flood of unanswered questions. If everything is fine, why do I break down whenever I'm alone? If everything is fine, why do I still question my judgement and tell myself that I'm not good enough or strong enough because whenever I'm with him, I'm weak, and whenever I'm alone, I'm weaker? But what does that even mean? And why does everything radically change whenever we're together? How will I ever have the strength to confide any of this to Patton? All he has to do is look me in the eyes to convince me that I'm wrong, and then the second we're apart, the thoughts will just come back, just like they always do. I'll wonder again and again what's wrong with me until I look again at the words on these pages, then I'll remember that love hurts. That I hurt. I'll remember that it only leads to pain for both lovers. But this should be torture. Why isn't it torture? Why do I love this feeling when I'm around him but hate my feelings for him when we're apart?