Stuck in the in-between.

I'm guilty.

The whole car ride home I couldn't think about anything else besides Noah. How was I going to tell Noah? What would Noah say? Do I tell Noah? No, I have to tell him right? Just a few weeks away from our wedding and I'm questioning everything. Why did he kiss me? He knows I'm with Noah, he knows I'm getting married in a few weeks. Why me? Why now? I pulled into my parking spot and got out of the car and walked into the condo. Noah's golfing stuff was in the hallway. I took a deep breath and walked into the bedroom. Noah was in the bathroom taking a shower. I put my bag down and looked at myself in the mirror. He'll be devastated I can't tell him. It will kill him I thought to myself. I heard the water turn off and Noah getting out of the shower. I walked into the living room and out onto the patio that overlooked the water. The sun was getting lower and the breeze started to pick up. Just then every single memory that A.J and I had rushed back. Everything that I swore to forget came back at once. Our plans to get married, and have kids, and travel. Every laugh we shared, every argument we had. Every single feeling for him returned. It was all so overwhelming.

"Hey babe," Noah said opening the patio door and walking outside behind me and kissing the side of my head. "Where did you go?" My heart sank and my blood got cold. I turned around to face him.

"Oh..... Jeez, are you okay? You look like you just saw a ghost, you're pale as fuck." He said looking at me. My throat felt dry, it felt like I had no control over my body. I looked at him.

"Mmmm no I'm okay, I went for a run early and only had coffee this morning. That must be it." I said swallowing hard and staring into his eyes, trying to remain calm.

"You want me to make you something?" He said putting his hands on my upper arms. I kept eye contact with him.

'No that's okay, how was your golfing tournament?" I said

"Actually pretty good, I won $1500 for the charity and Bruce won $900. I'm beat though, the sun was intense as the day went on." He said pulling me in and hugging me. He rested his chin on the top of my head. "Noah is such a great guy, such a huge heart," I thought to myself. We stood there for a while. I know I'm with Noah but why am I thinking of A.J, why do I feel like I'm making a huge mistake?

~

3 weeks had passed and I hadn't heard anything from A.J and still hadn't told Noah what happened. The overwhelming feeling of guilt flooded my body. It was starting to become too much for me to handle. I decided I needed to get away to clear my head and think straight. I texted Susie and asked her if she could spend the upcoming weekend at my lake house. I figured that out of everyone Susie would understand and give the best advice. She responds back within minutes.

"Absolutely! I'm already down." She responded.