Chp 12: Time to take charge!

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Nandini's POV

Within a few moments, the extremely tender and passionate make out session turned into a short and bitter crying session, after which Manik dropped me home. We didn't say a word to each other except for 'goodbye' and 'will call you'. I have no idea why all of a sudden things became so awkward between us. It wasn't like he forced the kiss upon me. I wanted it too. But then all of a sudden I began to cry! Why the hell those tears came out? I could not think of a single reason to my behaviour. At one side I am all cool and happy with him, visiting my past, having great time, kissing and on the other side I have this feeling of hurt and pain and heartbreak and cheating and then I cry and ruin the perfect moment!

Like whaaaattt??

I changed my self into the night clothes and sat on the bed.. thinking.. thinking and thinking..!
I took out my diary and started writing, I knew it was the only way I would get myself answering.

Khoyi khoyi si hu main
Kyun yeh dil ka haal hai

Dhundhle saare khwaab hain
Uljha har khayaal hai
Saari kaliyaan murjhaa gayi
Rang unke khwabo mei reh gaye

Saare gharaunde ret ke
Lehrein aayen, lehron mei beh gaye!

Once after the accident, while I was humming this song Alya played it for me and told me that this was one of my favourites and it's amazing that I still vaguely know the tune of it!
Ironically, this songs suits my life so much at this moment!

'I have no idea what's happening to me.
One day I wake up from an unconscious state with an entirely empty head. Then slowly information is poured into it and I have no option but to believe it.
Then when I slowly begin to familiarise myself with things, I again have to leave and find my self all over again. And then all of a sudden the world becomes a lot more mysterious with each person telling me a different story but actually nobody really tells me the whole thing. And then I have to wonder and look out for answers myself which do nothing but confuse me even more.

Now let's put it this way. Once I was this total chirpy and bubbly person but then I became all dull and leaden and now they say, that I am again full of life and happy and cheerful. But I was also very naive and someone who's easily manipulated but then over time I changed and now I am complete opposite of that too. Now I am this bold and straight forward and 'I don't give a shit about you' type.
Earlier I had like hundreds of friends and acquaintances but then the number reduced to something like five. I moved to another country and broke contacts will all these wonderful people without a reason because hey! C'mon if there was actually a very significant reason, all these best friends of mine would have known it and wouldn't have questioned me why!

In the beginning they told me that someone broke my heart and so I moved away. But was I really that stupid that I ran away just because one bloody man left me? How can this one person be so important? Or how could I be such an idiot?
And who the fuck is this guy? The only man for whom I'm feeling something is Manik. But if Manik was the guy who broke my heart, if Manik was the guy who didn't want me, who pushed me away, who let me go, then why does he want me back now? Why is he helping me regain my memory? Why is he being so good to me and why I feel this connection with him that I haven't really felt with anyone?
Why do all the little flashes of my erased memory that I keep getting are related to him in one way or the other?

I cried. I cried while kissing him because I had  flashes of us kissing earlier. I was crying even then. And then, at that time, as soon as we drifted, I ran from there.
Why did I run?
What was that negative feeling that in a way felt positive about?'

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