REWINDING US

Ch4: Hidden feelings

Location: Toronto

Nandini

'It was morning again. A snowy winter morning that makes people cuddle with their blankets and delay all their work.

As far as I can remember, which is almost nothing, and with all the information people have provided me with, it tells me that I was never a morning person. But right now the wall clock in front of me shows 7 a.m. and according to that I shouldn't be up so early but I somewhat feel I shouldn't waste a single moment of my life anymore.

Life is so uncertain, isn't it? One moment you wish to be somewhere, believe in something, want something and the next moment, you feel everything's changed. You don't recognise who you are and what you want from life. And it's not just about me as I have lost my memory but about every one and everything. You don't know what turn your life will take tomorrow or in what condition it might leave you. And in the end, it's all the matter of time.

People ask me why don't I feel bad about loosing my memory. But what  they fail to understand is that it's not about feeling bad or good, it's about utilizing the time and not grieving about it. Of course, I do feel bad about it. It is obvious to feel bad about not recognizing your own parents, or being unable to recall a single moment with your sibling with whom you've grown up and been all your life. It makes me feel frightful to not know upon whom I can or I should trust. And it is so unpleasant to not have a single thing or person that I can refer to as my possession because I don't know anything. I don't bloody remember anything.

ANYTHING.

But being the optimistic soul that I feel I was and I am, I also have a positive outlook towards my new life. They say, the time that has once gone, never comes back. Absolutely true. But may be I am one of those fortunate ones who would get to 'rewind' their life and the time that has gone. May be this is an opportunity for me to take back what I once left behind. May be this is in a way helpful for me to forget all the bad memories. Though this tragedy has made me forget the good ones too, but we can always make more of them, right? What haunts us is our bad memories, our bad past experiences. But the good ones always make us feel elated. And may be, it was best for me to get over the past and make some new beautiful memories!!'

I closed my diary after writing down my early morning thoughts when Mom entered my room

"Nandini, how's my darling this morning?"
Mom asked me while placing a kiss on my forehead. They say that my mind has forgotten everything, but some things belong only to the heart like the relationship between a mother and her child. Though, when I saw her the first time after opening my eyes, when I was told she's my mother I couldn't recognize her, but the moment she hugged me, kissed me, my heart confirmed that she is, indeed, my mumma because the comfort I felt being with her was so pure. I was sure nobody could ever love me more than this woman in front of me does, hence proves, she is my mother.

"I am good Mom. I love you."
I genuinely said and hugged her. I don't know when was the last time I said those words to her but today I felt the need of letting her know that she hasn't lost her daughter.

"I love you too, baby."
I know she must have felt content after hearing it.

"So, all set? You leave for India today!" She asked me with teary eyes. I was going back to the place I was born and brought up. Rishab bhaiya and Tani bhabhi were accompanying me. Mom and dad have to stay back because of dad's prior commitments.

"Yes Mom. Everything is packed."

"I am not asking about the packing Nandu, I know you've done it. It's about you and how you feel about this. Are you sure you're ready to put so much pressure on your brain? Will you be able to digest the huge amount of new found information at the same time? How will you deal with a situation where so many new faces would claim to know you inside out but you won't have a single percent idea about who they really are?"
Mom actually voiced out all my thoughts and questions that I really didn't have any answer to.