107 Miles

Chapter Eleven

Not long after Mike has left, my family leaves to go see John, but I stay home. I can't go see him again today. My emotions are already intense and seeing him just lying there won't help.

From upstairs, I hear a knock on the front door. I sling myself out of bed and walk to the door. When I open it, I am shocked. It's Joshua again.

"Joshua come in," I say and gesture into the house.

"Thanks, KB," he says. No one has called me that in years. I'm nervous to be alone with him again.

"I just wanted to come by again and see your family," he says with a faint smile. Part of me was hoping he came to see me, and maybe he is lying, and he did. "And I see they aren't here?" he asks as he sits down on the living room couch cushion that reclines.

"Yeah they went to see John, it's just me here," I say and sit down next to him, careful to leave space between us. After last time he was here, I need to be cautious about my proximity to him.

"Do you want some company? I can go if not, you seemed upset when you saw me at the door," he says shyly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that Mike had to leave this morning and we aren't in the best place. And John is... well you know," I say and feel tears start to fall down my face.

"Hey, hey, come here," he says soothingly and pulls me close. His touch sends a shock through me. He reaches for the recliner handle and we lean back together. Without asking me, he turns on Elton John on his phone. He holds me and we bask in the music. For a moment, I let my mind escape back in time and it feels good. I missed this, but I know it isn't where I'm supposed to be.

And still, I let Joshua hold me for hours. I often crave human connection, but I receive so little. I'm afraid to be touched because I won't want to be without this connection when it's all over. I think that's why I'm so confused right now.

Joshua looks at me and says, "Are you feeling better? I don't want to leave in the midst of your hurting. I still feel like I need to make sure you're okay."

"That's sweet. I am feeling a little better. I'm not perfect but I don't feel like I'm going to have panic attack anymore," I tell him.

"Have you been having them again?" he asks concerned.

"Yeah, I've had a few recently since John's been in the hospital," I say.

"I'm sorry about that. I wish I could make your pain go away," he tells me, and I know he means it. His hand reaches into my hair and gives it a soothing run through. Our lips are only inches away from each other, but I back away from him. I will not cheat on Mike.

"I'm going to get back home," Joshua says.

"Okay," I tell him and follow him out to the porch.

"Sorry about that," he turns and says to me. "I promise I didn't come here to do anything like that. Please forgive me."

"It's okay, Joshua. It takes two," I try to reassure him I'm not upset about what happened, but deep down I am. I'm upset with myself.

"Clearly we aren't the same people we were when we were eighteen. I just got caught up in the moment. You still have quite the hold on me, Katrina," he admits. I'm not sure how to respond to that. He speaks up before I can. "But I see you're with Mike and I respect that. You've got your life in New York and I've got my life here. Bad timing, I guess."

"Yeah please just go," I agree. "Goodbye, Joshua," I tell him. He drives off into the distance. And the past stays in the past.

Mike hasn't called me yet, but he should've been home for a while now. I'm worried about him not calling but I'm more concerned about what just happened with Joshua. Do I tell Mike? If I do, that'll be all for us. But if I don't, I'll feel like I'm lying to him.

About an hour later, I hear my phone ring and I think it's time to decide what to do. But it's Donna that's calling me. I answer on the first ring.

I speak first, "Hey, Donna."

"Katrina," she says in a serious tone, "how are things there?"

"Honestly, not too great. My brother probably isn't going to wake up and my family is a wreck," I tell her and let out a sigh. It's hard to say it out loud.

"I'm so sorry, Katrina. I wish I was calling just to check on you but unfortunately I've got some other things to talk to you about," she says reluctantly.

"That's okay. I get it, Donna," I reply.

"Do you know when you will be back? Because the partners are getting concerned about where your focus is and I know you have way more important things going on right now, but I'm not sure how much longer Harvey can hold them off," she says.

"Harvey is holding them off?" I ask surprised. Harvey isn't exactly the person I thought would be coming to my defense.

"He is. Louis basically wants to feed you and Mike to the wolves. Speaking of Mike, I saw he's back. Is everything okay?" she asks.

"Not exactly but he did need to get back just to do his job. We had a fight and I told him not to give up on me and he had to leave after that. I didn't exactly get the 'I want this too' vibe from him so I don't know. He was supposed to call me today when he got home but he didn't," I tell her. "I just want things to go back to where they were before I had to come back to this stupid town and see every damn person from my past," I'm ranting to her now, but she doesn't seem to mind.

"Are you talking about Joshua?" she asks.

"How did you-" I begin but she interrupts me.

"I'm Donna. Also, Mike told Harvey and Harvey told me," she admits.

"In that case, yeah, I am talking about Joshua. He's just a part of me I can't erase, and I hate that. I want to be with Mike and only Mike. I know I'm not still in love with him or anything. I know that. I just don't think Mike knows that," I say.

"So, you fought about it but didn't talk about it?" she says.

"Essentially, yeah," I reply and change the subject. "I don't know when I'll be able to come back. It's not like I can leave my family like this. I haven't heard my sisters talk to anyone in a week and my parents are so distraught they can't even remember to eat or take showers. I just can't leave. They need me," I tell her, and I feel my heart race faster.

"Okay, Katrina. We will do everything we can for you. I promise. And for what it's worth, I know Mike will call you. He probably just needs a little space," she says sweetly. There's the idea of space again, but maybe Mike actually does need it.

"Thanks, Donna," I say and hang up the phone.