The End Of Us || losers club ✔️

sixteen

Richard Tozier, I'm not even sure what to say to you. I've been sitting at the kitchen table trying to write this letter for the past few hours. My dinner has gone cold, but I'm not hungry so it doesn't matter all that much. I just don't know what to say.

You're my son, my beautiful baby boy, Richie. After you didn't come home when you said, I went to the Denbroughs to pick you up. I thought you might've gotten too tired to bike home or forgotten, you were never one for remembering. Zack said you weren't there. Then I went to Sonia's.

I wish I hadn't.

Gosh, Rich, I don't think I've ever cried harder than that day. What did you do? What did you do, Richie? What could've happened and escalated the situation so much that Sonia's death was the outcome? I've been trying to wrap my head around it, I've been going to church and asking God why, or to at least give me a sign you're okay. Because even after everything, at the end of the day you're still my son.

My son who just made a very wrong decision.

Maybe I'm delusional. If your father knew about your letters he would be furious. I haven't seen him at all today - he's been at a friends house. I wish I could leave this house too but the cops stop by to ask questions or to look around your room. I don't know what they think they may find, you didn't plan this, did you? You said you didn't. I hope that's the truth, Richie.

I don't want the cops to be in your room. I don't want anyone in your room. Even I can't step foot in there. So I stand in the hallway, staring in, thinking about where you could be. About what you could be doing. I also think about your friends, especially poor Eddie, but it's mostly only you.

Speaking of your friends.. I don't want to be the bringer of bad news, but Ben is right. The Denbroughs and Uris's are going down to Indiana to see their sons. I'm not sure what Alvin Marsh is doing, he's a very strange man, that one.

When the police gathered us parents to tell us the final news, I've never seen a person's face grow whiter. Then they said they suspect you seven to be the cause, and he threw a fit! The grown man threw a fit! He didn't defend Beverly, as it was more directed towards her than the police. He left soon after that and hasn't come to any of the meetings.

Stanley's parents hold (held, I suppose, as they're not going to be in town) nightly meetings at their place. I've only gone to two. I didn't want to hear the arguments between all the families. You said you and your friends are fighting a lot? Well, it's not much different over here. I think Ben's mother is starting to despise us all.

She doesn't think Ben has anything to do with this. That he was roped in by the rest of you and forced to go along with it. Mike's grandparents are the most calm. His grandmother doesn't talk very much, but his granddad is very vocal, might I say. Not in the harsh way like Zack is sometimes, but simply putting his opinion out there. He's a nice man who just wants Mike back home.

He talks a lot about the racial problems in prisons and in the police force. I've listened to him and he makes some good points. Poor man has been through a lot. He doesn't want Mike to experience the same, and neither do I.

It's hard talking about you kids coming back home. Because we all know it's not going to happen. I like to think if you didn't run, if you just came to us or the police, all of this would be over in a few weeks. But no, you kids ran. I think I understand why - you were scared. Truthfully, I'm scared too Richie. I'm terrified for what comes next. I wish time would pause forever, just so I wouldn't have to deal with it all.

Why did you do this Richie?

I don't want to blame you, and I'm sorry if this letter is confusing, but the more I write the more emotions I start to feel. You're right, this is messy. So, so, so messy. I'm happy you trust me enough to reach out, grateful even, but at the same time I'm horrified and disgusted and saddened to think about the context behind these letters. I'm also confused, so very confused, Richie.

I just want to understand. Please help me understand, Richie. I want to know what happened, exactly why you ran, where you are, if you're doing alright. I have so many questions. And I miss you. I want you back home, even if that's just wishful thinking.

- Mom

PS: I haven't told Went or the police about these letters. I'm the only one who knows. Unless you want different.