Lost Without You ( A Killua x OC Fanfiction )

Dealing With The Pain

Day : 1

Friday 1st, December

10:45 PM

Memory

'His tiny palms shook as he tried to shift his weight onto them for the umpteenth time for the day. You sat there watching him, encouraging him with cooed words that he probably didn't understand.

Your face couldn't be more lit up as you watched your tiny son trying hard to crawl for his first time.

And then you heard a slight chuckle from him and to your delight, he was already on his all fours. Trembling every now and then, his eyes lit up from the new experience, encouraging him to move a bit more.

You cheered from the side in utter happiness before picking him up and hugging him in the tightest of hugs that a mother could ever give to her child. Your son hugged back for a second before starting to cry from not getting a chance to move on all fours yet.

You panic before slowly putting him down again and watching once more...

Your son was something that you valued the most... A precious jewel, or maybe just indescribable.

But every time you looked at him, you couldn't help but feel as though your heart was clenching in utter pain.

He was the result of an unfortunate event... Something that no woman ever wished happened to her, a painful and agonizing memory that would stay carved in your mind for the longest of times.

So when you realized that he was growing in your womb, you couldn't help but feel as though you were cursed.

You were -for the lack of a better word- sickened by even a thought of such sort. Numerous times you had thought of getting rid of the child. But nonetheless you always ended up feeling utterly guilty for even thinking of such a thing...

And in the end after nine gruesome and disturbing months, you gave birth to your child.
With no one to hold your hand through the pain... No one to take you home after.

You were utterly grateful for even having a nurse to assist you in your painful delivery as you had no family... No one to call for help...

And now, those moments flash through your mind as suddenly a hand comes in your view.

•••

"Are you okay?..." Your friend Mia asked you, waving her hand in front of you as your head snapped in her direction before turning back to the glass you were squeezing in your hand...

You nod slightly before placing the glass down and adjusting the hood of your dark shirt in a simple attempt of wanting isolation as you rest your elbows on the counter of the bar.

She kept staring at you in confusion as you swirled the glass in your hand, causing the whiskey to slosh around with the ice cubes. Your eyes focused on the glass as if nothing else mattered as you took one more sip from it.

The loud music and noises from the club helped drown out all your worldly worries. Which was one of the two reasons why you came to this club in the first place.

Mia sat down on the stool beside you before ordering one more glass of Martini as she glanced at you worriedly.

"You do know that I'm leaving tomorrow right?... Let's talk some more at least." She suggests as she takes the Martini from the bartender, taking a tiny sip at once.

"Hm?... Oh yeah... I hope you can start over well over there." You look at her with a faint smile, causing her to sigh again.

"I'm going home, I have to get ready for tomorrow. You coming?" Mia came closer to inspect your face, knowing that you needed some space at the moment. You chuckled lightly, brightening her mood a little.

"I'll pass, be careful on your way back Mia..." You smile at her as she gives you a peck on your cheek before paying for her drink and walking off towards the exit.

"I'll call you when I board the plane love! Bye!!! Take care of yourself and baby Haru!!!" She yelled cheerily from there because of the loud background before waving at you and exiting the club.

Your body froze there in shock as your grip on your glass tightens again in an attempt to calm your ravaging mind. You tried to take deep breaths, but they came out as shaky whimpers from how weak you felt at the moment...

You had just drowned all the pain in the atmosphere and now... It was back again.

But luckily, a smooth voice came to your rescue.

"Are you okay Mam?" It asked from before you.

Your eyes look up to the source of the voice, quickly returning to your calm demeanor.

"Yeah... Just get me a refill of the same..." You let out shakily.

As you watched your refill being poured in, you started to contemplate on whatever was on your mind.

' I should've given Mizu a treat, she is leaving after all...'

'Maybe I should've told her everything... I could've felt better then...'

'No... That would make her panic and let go of all her plans in order to stay with and support me...'

'I don't want to destroy her plans... She has been craving for such an opportunity from long, and I  should never be an obstacle in her path... No matter how gruesome things may be for me...'

'Looks like I'll be coming back to this place a lot...'

You swirl your glass once again before gulping it down in one go. You start to feel drowsy from all the alcohol you had been taking. A bit too much for your own good...

But you didn't care for as long as it drowned everything away... That's what you wanted anyway.

To drown out all the pains... At least for a while...

Your eyelids felt heavy and so did your head. You pull your hoodie down to your face once more before placing your head on your arms above the counter...

And soon, you drift off to a peaceful sleep...

'I'm sorry...

Haru...'

' I shouldn't have trusted anyone.'