Ignite the Stars | Reader x Ben Solo / Kylo Ren

Ch. 12 | Dark Side of Me

"I gave my everything
for all the wrong things
In this cold reality
I made this selfish war machine
Oh, this has become hell
How can I share this life with someone else?
I promise you there is no weight that can bury us beneath the ghosts of all my guilt
Here in the dark side of me"

Coheed & Cambria - Dark Side of Me

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Ben's life has always been complicated and by the look of things, that wasn't going to change any time soon. He's made horrible decisions and has done horrible things and he's prepared to suffer the consequences. Whether those consequences mean suffering through physical pain or consistent nightmares, it's what he deserves. His past never used to bother him but as each day passes, the more regret he feels over his actions. Instead of driving himself crazy over things he can't change, he used to chose to focus on his destiny, to finish what his grandfather started.

Then you came and changed everything. The path that follows in his grandfathers footsteps was the only thing that mattered to him until recently. The more he's around you, the less the idea appeals to him. If what you told him was true, and you really did feel him embrace the dark side, then he really hasn't ever been alone and knowing that makes the light push away the dark, at least a little bit.

Even though he's used to 'training' with Snoke and meetings with Hux, this last week has been the hardest week he's had in a while and of course it's because of you. He's sure Snoke has sensed a change in him but he has yet to say or do anything that would openly imply it and that has Ben on edge.

He tried his best to stall the destruction of Takodana without raising suspicion. Again, he's not sure whether or not Snoke sensed his true motives. Either way it didn't matter, Takodana was destroyed. Ben tried to reach out to you to ensure you weren't anywhere near the planet before it was destroyed but you were still shutting him out. He was able to sense how you were feeling at least. After Takodana was destroyed, you were upset but not nearly as upset as you'd be if Maz had been on the planet which meant you managed to warn her in time.

'Training' with Snoke had increased in frequency resulting in him being bruised and bloody every couple of days. He was used to going to bed in pain on training days but after having you care for him the last time, the pain was worse than ever. He now knows what it's like to be taken care of by you and any type of wound care he performs on himself doesn't feel sufficient.

********

After one particularly rough session with Snoke, Ben barely managed to stay upright after he's dismissed. The moment the door to the throne room closed behind him, his leg gave out and he fell to his knees. The pain took his breath away.

He was overly aware how publicly exposed he was. Showing weakness in front of his subordinates was dangerous. No one dared oppose him out of fear of his wrath. Knowing he's as weak as everyone else could paint a target on his back, bigger than the one that is usually there. His right arm was on fire, which made putting his helmet on extremely difficult and painful but he needed to cover his face before anyone saw him.

Still on his knees, he winced as he tried to lift the helmet over his head with one hand. Before he could clasp it, he lost his grip and it fell to the ground. With a loud thud, the helmet rolled down the corridor and out of his reach. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before trying to get to his feet. Before he could stand, the tall chrome stormtrooper turned the corner and froze when she saw her commander, bruised, bleeding, and mask-less on his knees in the middle of the corridor. Ben closed his eyes and sighed. His helmet was conveniently on the ground directly at her feet. He wasn't sure what to expect from Phasma. She had always respected him and followed his orders but whose to say whether or not that would change once she sees how weak he is.