324 Views [Michael Clifford]

out of my limit

I've always been a lonely person.

An only child, never many pets around the house, and most of the time the demons inside my head as my only playmates. The bracelet-covered scars are proof that one.

I'm even lonelier on tour. Yes, there's a big crowd a couple nights a week. Yes, I'm with my best friends and bandmates -- who are the closest people I've ever had to siblings. And sure, there's a bunch of fans waiting outside the arena after the show trying to get my phone number or Snapchat. Some of them are cute too, but they just don't seem like they would get "me".

They love the Michael that jumps around and sings and plays guitar and acts like a goof on stage. They don't know the Michael that curls up in his bunk with Daniel at night, watching movies and Youtube -- a completely different persona from the one on stage a couple hours earlier.

Maybe that's why I do this, to try to find something -- or better, someone -- that doesn't make me feel lonely anymore. But my luck hasn't been too hot there yet.

So here I sit, computer on my lap; the curtain is pulled on my bunk so I'm in complete darkness besides some slivers of light coming through. I have my headphones in so I can't hear the sounds of being on the road, but the tour bus bumps and rocks and sways every so often from its size; so I can tell that we're moving.

Today is September 30; the last day of the month. And on the last day of August, July, June, and every month before I did this same thing. And on the last day of October, November, and December I will too. On into the new year.

It's something I do to give back to the fans who've been supporting me and the boys since our first gig: a cover contest.

None of the other boys know that I do it, it's not so much a secret as much as something I want to be "my thing".

On the last day of every month, I type "5 Seconds of Summer Covers" into the YouTube search bar. I watch every single video from that month, keep tabs on which ones I like, and pick my favorite -- a winner.

I find that winner on Instagram or Twitter -- it's not too hard, their Instagram handle is usually the same as their Youtube -- and I follow them. Since no one knows I host this little contest, no one knows they're entering it. It's my way of giving a nice surprise to someone who put enough time into making a video to show their love for our band.

Some may think I'm a stalker or that I'm creepy that I spend a day every month looking up fans online, but I try to see it as if I was a fan. If I posted a video of me online singing a song by my favorite band and then one of them followed me, I'd be ecstatic.

Over 500,000 search results for 5SOS covers. Who knows how many are from this month. I set the filter to "this month" and that brings the monumentous number down a good bit, but I will still spend the greater part of my day watching covers.

It's not a bad thing, now maybe I'll know some of the words to our old songs when fans request them at soundcheck. The other boys don't care that much, but I always feel embarrassed when someone pays to see us at soundcheck and we can't remember the words to a song they want to hear.

Five pages, and I've spent a good two and a half hours watching covers. My stomach rumbles and I realize it's 3pm and the only thing I've eaten today was a bowl of cereal when I woke up around 10. I close my laptop and climb out of my bunk, walking through the small aisle way to the kitchen. There's a couple boxes of pizza sitting on the countertop, cold. Someone must've ordered them for lunch. And while nothing beats a piping hot slice of pizza with stringy cheese, cold pizza will suffice just as well; I can't put it in the microwave or else it'll get all soggy and gross and inedible.