324 Views [Michael Clifford]

i'm not the only one

I feel like I'm going through a break-up. Not being able to find Sophie is hurting me so bad. It's like being away from the person you got to spend all your time with, except in this "break up" I didn't even get to know her.

There are always the same stages of breakups: the anger, the sadness, the tears, and then the stage where you just want to be alone forever. I feel like I'm going through all of them at once. I'm grieving the loss of someone I don't even know.

I'm angry that no one has been able to find her, I'm beginning to lose hope that I will never meet her, that she'll never love me the way I know I would love her. The sadness is almost overwhelming. Now that the tour is almost over I don't have the same nightly adrenaline from performing for our fans and that put me into a funk too. It's all crashing at once.

I absolutely cannot stop the tears from escaping my tear ducts and running down my face, my eyes have been red and puffy for days; I can hardly look in the mirror anymore. All I want to do is be by myself. All the other guys go out and hangout, meet fans, and have fun while I lock myself in the tour bus bathroom and watch Sophie's videos for hours on end while crying my eyes out. I'm well aware of how pathetic I am.

"Michael?" A soft knock is heard on the bathroom door. "It's Luke. Calum, Ashton, and I decided to wear our Ninja Turtle costumes tonight. We wanted to commemorate that we did it on the last show of the Where We Are tour and decided we should close out our first real tour the same way. We've already got yours ready. Come on out, we need to get you to the stylist before we go on stage, there's not much time left."

Luke's voice is soft and comforting. I reluctantly climb up from my cramped position on the floor and wipe my eyes on my T-shirt. I open the door and follow Luke to where our stylist's room is.

"Michael! Hey, come meet our new stylist. Her name is Sophie and she's super cool. She thought it was hilarious that we wanted to wear our costumes tonight." Calum laughs. But I can't even comprehend the last of his sentence. Sophie? Could it be her?

"Kaylee! There you are! This is Michael, and as you can see, he needs some stylist expertise because...he looks bad." Ashton covers Calum's mouth with his hand, but Calum still talks in full volume. I walk over to him and smack him on the head before walking to sit in Kaylee's chair. My mind is so consumed by Sophie that I'm hearing her name everywhere. I got so excited thinking she could actually be here, but Calum didn't even say her name.

Kaylee fixes my hair and adds some type of makeup to my face to help hide my puffy eyes. I go to the bathroom to change into my costume and when I get back; all the other guys have their instruments and Ashton is holding several sets of drumsticks -- he's known to break, drop, or lose them during the shows. Kaylee is carefully holding my guitar for me and I thank her with a nod of my head when she hands it over. I adjust the strap across my back and turn to the other guys, signally that I'm ready to go.

Luke already has tears in his eyes. It's the last tour of the show and it's going to be an emotional night for all of us. We've come so far since last year. We've grown as a band, as friends, and as individuals.

Walking out on the stage, I scan the crowd for Sophie's face; it's become a habit to do so, ever since I discovered her videos. I can't really see past the first few rows because of the spotlights, but I scan my section with hope in my heart before every show. I'm disappointed when I don't see her, but I prepare myself for the reality before every show.

As predicted, Luke is crying a puddle around him by the halfway point; but I think all of us are shedding a few tears here and there, especially the fans in the crowd.

Since none of us really wanted to say goodbye to our first headline tour so soon, we play a few extra songs in the encore and do an extra long thank you to all of the fans who got us this far.

When we leave the stage, we walk through the tunnels under the stadium side by side, with our arms around each other's shoulders. None of us care how gross, sweaty, and smelly. We only care that we did it. We achieved our dreams and it feels so good.

We all say hello to Kaylee when we get to the door of the dressing room. She takes all of our costumes and promises that she'll have them washed. I don't doubt that it's absolutely disgusting, covered in sweat, and probably a good amount of tears. I laugh and make sure to tell her "thank you" a few times before heading towards the bus.

"I love this song and artist both, and I can guarantee you that one of his songs will always be towards the top of the iTunes chart. Here is my new favorite song, I'm Not The Only One by Sam Smith."

You and me, we made a vow

For better or for worse

I can't believe you let me down

But the proof's in the way it hurts

For months on end, I've had my doubts

Denying every tear

I wish this could be over now

But I know that I still need you here

You say I'm crazy

'Cause you don't think I know what you've done

But when you call me baby

I know I'm not the only one

You been so unavailable

Now sadly I know why

Your heart is unobtainable

Even though Lord knows you kept mine

You say I'm crazy

'Cause you don't think I know what you've done

But when you call me baby

I know I'm not the only one

I have loved you for many years

Maybe I am just not enough

You've made me realize my deepest fear

By lying and tearing us up

You say I'm crazy

'Cause you don't think I know what you've done

But when you call me baby

I know I'm not the only one

You say I'm crazy

'Cause you don't think I know what you've done

But when you call me baby

I know I'm not the only one

I know I'm not the only one

I know I'm not the only one

And I know...

I know I'm not the only one

"This is Sergeant Sophie, signing off!" She does a cute little salute before the screen goes black with her signature sign out playing across the screen.

I rest my head on the pillow and cover myself with my blanket. Daniel rests at the foot of my bed so I sit up to grab him, pulling him to my chest and squeezing him tight.

I click on the first video so the playlist will start playing. I close my eyes and a small smile plays on my lips. I begin to drift off to sleep, completely worn out after the long and tiring day.

As Sophie's covers continue to play in the background, I drift off to sleep and dream about what the next year will hold for the band. I dream about the day I get to walk out on stage and look down at Sophie in the front row, smiling up at me.