The Calm Before The Storm

5.

I turned and looked at the doctor. I'm not sure what in my actions or facial expressions told her I was about to fall out, but All I remember was me falling into her arms, and then everything went black.

I woke up to a constant beep and the same doctor talking to one of the nurses. I scanned the room for Jamal. Maybe it was all in my head. Not seeing him in the room must've struck my heart rate because the doctor rushed over to my side trying to calm me.

"Hey hey.. its okay. I need you to calm do-" she realized how I was struggling to breathe so she pulled the oxygen mask from my face.

I gasped for air and grabbed her arm, the tears ran from my eyes all over again from realizing that this tragedy was a reality.

"I-I need to go home..please"

"I can't let you go yet...we have to make sure you two are stable before release"

Two...someone else passed out? Who was it? She realized the confusion on my face and gasped

"Oh god...you didn't know" she stepped back a little bit and murmured to herself.

"Didn't know what? Someone else fell out or something?" I was quite naive.. can't you tell?

"Well..no." She typed on the computer, opened a file, and then she paused for a minute to look at me. "Ms.Jacobs...you're pregnant.. two weeks"

She turned the monitor to show me the ultrasound. That numb feeling came back over me. My mind instantly was cluttered with feelings of doubt and insecurities.

"I-I.. I dont even know how I'm going to make it... how..how am I going to care for a baby??" I questioned her like she could give me the answers I desperately needed.

A few days later I was released to go home. Everything was still so surreal to me. During my drive home I couldn't stop thinking about me not being there when Jamal needed me most. I was also trying to figure out how he got caught up in a shooting. He didn't bother anyone.. we stayed to ourselves. We barely even talked to our families which wasn't anything new for the either of us. His mother didn't care for his career choices, and how he spent the insurance money from his late father. So she disassociated herself from him. And I've been on my own since the age of 15 so.. Jamal was literally all I had. And here I was in my driveway back at square one, but this was worse than square one... this was like.. a negative square or something.

I sat in the car for an hour.. just staring at the front door. Memories played while I sat there.

"Jamal stop! I'm gonna drop the bags!" I laughed as the rain pelted us like harmless darts

"You only got fruits, live a little" He laughed grabbing the bags away from me and pulled me onto the grass

"Jamal! My hairr" I whined even though I didn't pull away from his grasp. He held me close like his embrace was a shield against all the rain drops

He fell back into the grass and I fell right along with him. It sent us into a laughing fit until his eyes caught my eyes.. and then his lips caught my lips. Suddenly the rain wasn't such a bad idea. I found myself reaching for his belt buckle... it didn't take much to get me riled up. His spontaneity was enough.

KABOOM

I shrieked and hopped out off of him as fast as I could! He laid there and laughed while I ran into the house.. later on he told me I looked like a mouse being caught red handed

"Stop!! Stop it!!" I yelled out and banged my palms against my steering wheel. My thoughts seemed all too real.

"Why Jamal?! Why him?? This isn't fair!!" I cried out but no one heard me.

I rested my head on the steering wheel. I felt like I was playing the worst game of would you rather, and I was only picking the wrong choices.

Finally, I got out of the car and made my way into the house. I kept my head down. So many memories, scents, feelings and regrets hit me as soon as I walked in. If I trusted myself I would've walked with my eyes shut. I walked up my stairs crying in silence. My face was numb so it was more so tears pouring from my eyes like leaky faucets. no emotions were connected to them.

When I stepped into the bedroom it was like a live action movie. I saw him... I saw me. I saw him kissing me and saying he loved me.

"Jamal.." I croaked.. no response. The sight washed away, and then it was just me standing there trying to figure out how something could go so wrong so fast. My eyes darted across the room for another sighting of him, instead, they landed on the dresser.
Where there was a note. I don't remember seeing it before I left that night... but then again I was so out of it when I left. I picked it up and sat on the bed.

I hesitated opening it, but something told me I needed to see what was written on the inside.

So I opened it..

His handwriting. I didn't think heart couldn't break anymore. I sniffled and ran my fingers across the letter before I actually read it. It was old. I stopped myself from the massive crying fit I was about to have.

Then I read it.