My breathing paused. My heart stopped. for once, time seemed to stop too. Everything I thought I knew about Jamal... Everything I thought I had figured out.. nothing was true.
The letter fell from my hands as I sat there. All this time we spent together, and none of it was really what it seemed. I was no longer crying.. I had no emotion. Just thoughts.. many.. many.. thoughts.
Two weeks passed and it seemed like my days were on repeat. Get up, stare at the ceiling for hours, eat, cry, read his letter, sleep, and eat again. I didn't know when the cycle would end, and if it wasn't for me having a doctors appointment I probably wouldn't have even showered. The well of depression I had fallen into was so deep that I couldn't even see the light.. or maybe it was because I kept all the curtains closed.
I dragged myself out of the house and into the car. I was hardly a month pregnant, but the doctors wanted to keep a close eye on me because of the possible bouts of depression. I walked into the doctors office and signed in. The receptionist was a nice old lady. Her grey curly hair caressed her tanned cheeks. She looked at me and smiled politely, I guess I wreaked of sadness because she reached out over the desk and patted my hand.
"You can have a seat Honey.. the nurse will be with you shortly. You make sure to keep your head up... things will turn around"
I nodded with the slightest smile possible, and even that seemed to hurt. I found a chair and kept my head down.. It felt like everyone was staring at me.. as If I had brought a big black storm cloud in with me. My nerves were shot so I kept fiddling with my pants just to try and keep my mind on something.
"Ms. Jacobs" I jumped hearing my name.
I stood up quickly and walked over to the door, the nurse smiled as I approached her.. why was everyone so friendly?? Where were the people with storm clouds following them like me? She lead me back to take my vitals and then to the room where the doctor would see me. I sat on the bed and waited for the doctor.
I did everything in my control to avoid thinking about Jamal. I couldn't break down in this place.. that was only for home. I didn't have to try hard because I heard a knock then the door opened.. and there she was.
Dr. Jackson
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This time her hair was clipped back and a few stranded curls straddled her cheeks while the rest of her hair roamed her back. She smiled at me and patted my shoulder and then walked over to the computer and signed in.
"So.. how have you been making out? I'm sure things haven't been easy" she sat on the stool and gave me her full attention. I looked away from her so she couldn't peer into my eyes when I lied to her.
"I..I've been okay" I moved my hair behind my ears only to feel her eyes staring a hole into my skull
"Quin.. it's okay to tell the truth. I'm here to help you.. not judge" Her soft voice seemed to ease my spirit a bit. It was so soothing that if she kept talking I probably would've fallen asleep.
"Fine.. I'm not okay.. I've been a wreck ever since I left this place" I caved. Never have been one to refuse a lot. "I feel like.. I was working on a puzzle. A-and I was just starting to get in a groove. Then someone or something just came and wiped it all away!" I dropped my hands in my lap as a few stray tears left my eyes.
She handed me a box of tissues and waited before speaking.. I guess to see if I was done talking. I could've went on and on.. I wanted to tell her about his letter. I wanted to tell her that I could kill the girl that's responsible for his death.. I wanted to tell her everything. But she wasn't here for that. She had broken her job description for me enough.
"To say things are going to get better is so cliche but... With hard work and... the right support group it's possible" she stood up and walked over to the sink to wash her hands. On her way back to me she put some gloves on.
We made small talk while she did all the regulatory procedures of the check up. Then she had me to lay back and lift my shirt.
I closed my eyes as she laid her hands on my stomach and felt around. I had been so busy crying and stressing over Jamal that me being pregnant hadn't fully sunk in. Or maybe I was avoiding the thought of me raising our child alone.. I was only 24 with no clue how to do this, and no one to help me.
"Everything feels normal. You can sit up" she stepped away to throw her gloves in the trash, then she sat back on the stool and started typing away on the computer.
I just watched. I was actually enjoying being around another human instead of being cooped up in that depressing place that used to be home. The place that used to bring me joy, the place that I used to be greeted by the man that I love, the place that I felt safe. It was no longer any of that. She turned around and looked at me.
"If you need anything my number will be on the last page of these papers. Call me anytime. If you have any questions.. concerns.. anything"
The way I was feeling she probably should've been more specific with those anythings.. I mean I know she means pertaining to my health but.. If I didn't talk to someone soon I would lose my mind.
Within a half hour I was out of the doctors office and heading home. I stopped and got some carryout before I got there. I grabbed my food from the passengers seat and headed into the house. When I left this morning I dreaded human contact and now I wasn't such a fan of being alone. After I locked the door I went straight to the kitchen, hopped on the counter, and ate in silence. I listened as sounds of Jamal and I's laughter filled my head. For some reason I couldn't cry anymore.. my eyes wouldn't allow it.
