Fast-Tracked And Other Stories

Midnight in the Valley of the Lost Things

Don't know where I came from, don't know where I'm headed. Do-be-do-be-do! Over hillsides I go, gallopin' like a thoroughbred. Do-be-do-be-do! Hoppin' an' skippin' all the live-long day and--

Hello, what's this? Seems an odd place to put somethin', just slap-bang in the middle of this v-shaped valley. Who's comin' all the way out here? People are weird; they'll always be obsessed with buildin'.

Now, if that Mr Sun would push himself down a bit further and get out of my eyes then I could read that big sign up there with no bother whatsoever, as easy as you like. Let's see, maybe if I hold my thumb up just right I'll be able to block that Mr Sun from shinin' square into my eyes so's I can read that swingin' sign. Ha! Yeah, it works! I always was the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

Vah-lay ov la law-west f-f-f-ing... ers.' Them's funny words on that big wooden sign! Don't know if I know them. I'm always learnin' new words! Ooh, hold on, now I see it--'Valley of the Lost Things', yeah, that's it. You have to get up early to beat me, so you do! Things, not fingers. Yeugh, a valley of lost fingers would be one of the stinkiest things I could think up!

Strange... that must mean I went and forgot Lost was in a valley because I thought it was on an island. Silly old me! Well, it's goin' to be dark soon when that Mr Sun goes away so maybe I can get some kip in this here Valley of the Lost Things I've just found! There's only the bunnies and the sheeps to see me trespassin', and you's won't tell anyone, will you's?

Yar, good point, the night owls aren't to be trusted. I shouldn't forget what they tried to do to me last night. Don't let me forget, bunnies and sheeps! Because this mind of mine's like a... a... an icicle, where things I should remember just drip-drip-drip away. Oh, I wish I could stop the thaw, so I do. All this editin' and redactin's goin' to have me not knowin' my left ear from my right before long. It's beyond me how other folk manage to keep their minds so cold and sharp.

Sharp... like an owl's beak. I wonder if them owls swooped and hooted and pecked at my soul the night before last, too. Makes me feel icky just wonderin' about it. I hope there's a tent or a caravan through here that I can use for shelter.

This place is swanky, that's for sure.

Is anyone here? The door's unlocked so I hope you don't mind me comin' in. I've no money on me so I can't pay for anythin', but if I can just sit and wait until mornin' I sure would appreciate it.

Nope, no-one in this reception area, but look how nice all that wood panellin' is--I'd work in a place like this!

Seein' as no-ones waitin' their turn, I think I'll just line some of these comfy lookin' plastic seats up good and tight and get my head down for a wee sleep.

I wonder what normal people do before they doze off. I bet they think back over their day or week or childhood. Must be brave and nice to be able to recall all that grand stuff you've done like catchin' a big fish or workin' up through your company or wonderin' about how people you know are gettin' on. Yeah, must be nice.

I don't even remember how I got here and I just arrived... didn't I? How'd I know? Maybe I live here.

Do I work here?

It's no use--I'm not goin' to get much shut-eye if I can't stop my chin from waggin' so maybe I'll just have a wee look around and make sure there's nowhere for owls to sneak in.

Uh-oh, this isn't good. Why'd there be a sparkly see-through curtain on this big wooden lodge instead of a back door? That's not goin' to keep anythin' out. Aah! Get away from me! Stay back! Back!

Wait, that's not how owls sound. They go hoot, not cuckoo-cuckoo! There you are--you scared me somethin' fierce, you big bad clock! Don't sit there all quiet now with your two hands pointin' up as if butter wouldn't melt! I near jumped the height of myself because of you.

I'm goin' to check out the back, behind that pretty curtain, and don't you dare think of scarin' me again. I'll remember it!

So, what do we have out here then? Looks like someone was doin' their Spring cleanin' and left a big jumble of things out for the bin men... there's no way anyone'd be interested in this tat at a bring-and-buy-sale; these old socks and TV channel-changers are better off on the scrap heap. Not even silly old me'd buy them if I was lucky enough to have two ha'pennies to rub together!

And there's more--normal house keys and thick car keys, brollies, shoes... they sure did a clear-out. And it's all organised into boxes and set in groups to make it easier for the bin men to collect. It's like the way I used to have a blue bin for paper, and a brown bin for grass... and a wee red bin for... for... oh, who knows but knowin' I had them sure is a funny feelin'! Maybe if I try real hard I can...

Nope, it's no use. I could saunter around here like a dippy donkey and think till my head bursts and I still wouldn't be close to havin' the first idea about anythin'! No use dwellin' on it. Anyway, where was I?

Stupid question--it'd be a real turn up for the books if I knew where I was. Right now I'm beside a mountain of trophies. Someone sure did a lot of celebratin'.

And over here's wallets and purses and gloves... all boxed and arranged like pyramids. So neat and tidy. And here's... what's this... lottery tickets and nail clippers and pens and watches... one thing's for certain--I took a real wrong turn somewhere to be here with all these bright things. Best not touch them. The alarms'll likely go off and they'll sic the dogs on me if I do, and I don't want to be dog food tonight.

It never ends. There's passports and toys and diaries... don't worry diaries, even if I was a fast reader your secrets'd be safe in my drippy old brain! One thing I'm goin' to focus hard on readin' is the words on them arrows on that post over there. Yoohoo! I wonder what way it is to the toilets because I am bustin'! There's so many, one of them must point to the wee boys' room.

Weight... Tongue... Limbs... yeugh, maybe this is the Valley of the Lost Fingers after all--no way am I goin' that way. What's on these other arrows? Better be a toilet because I don't see any bushes I can go behind.

Mmm. Life, Dignity, Control, Yourself.

That's them all. No toilets; I'm goin' to have to tie a knot in it. Why's that crooked arrow sayin' myself's over yonder? That's funny! Sure myself's right here... how could myself be in two places at once? Silly sign.

What're my legs doin' carryin' me in this direction? If I see myself in a box I think I'll pee my pants right on the spot, legs be warned!

Steady on legs, easy, what's those there? I'd hardly recognise my own hand if it leapt up and punched me square on the schnozzle... but those... those're--

IF LOST, PLEASE RETURN TO:
MAURICE HEATON

My marbles.

Yes, I'd recognise them anywhere. I lost these once and I've been a blethering fool ever since. Where I misplaced them escapes me--I was sure they were gone for good. Typical that they'd be in the last place I look.

Hello? Is someone there? Perhaps you can help me get out of here? I seem to have lost my way.

Oh, it's just some owls. A parliament. Yes, knowledge and memories are returning in equal measure, solidifying the fog back into solid grey matter. I need to get out of here and apologise to my children--I have children!--and the nurses. It must have been impossible for them to cope with me.

Such an idiot I was... the way I acted... insufferable... I'm sure they were relieved when I ran off. But it's okay, I'm better now. I have my marbles back at last; I'll make it up to everyone.

Mmm. It's no use--none of these signs point to the exit, they're just directions to other lost things.

Perhaps I can retrace my steps... but my path through that farrago was so haphazard I don't think I can plot a course back.

It surely can't be--I fear I may be just one more thing in the Valley of the Lost Things.