Sailor Helga 🌙 | A Hey Arnold! / Sailormoon Crossover Fanfic

Act 1 - Chapter 5

Note: For the sake of clarity, whenever a character is in their transformed state, their name will be given in italics.

For example:

Helga G. Pataki: Helga

Sailor Moon: Helga

---

Wally loves you, all you little girls and boys...

HI-YAAAAAAAAAH!

Wally loves you, and he loves it when you buy his toys...

Helga swung the baseball bat she held in her hand with all her might, sending the life-sized blue alligators hurtling into a toy display. Several more giant Wally dolls surrounded Helga as she attempted to fend them off.

"This is insane, Luna!" she said angrily. "There's too many of them...! YAHH! And they won't stay down...!"

It was midnight, the scouts were on evening patrol of the city when they found themselves at the Mega ToyWorld located downtown. Apparently they had stumbled upon something, for as soon as they went inside, they were taken by surprise and ambushed by over a dozen Wally dolls.

"WATCH OUT!" cried Luna. A Wally had snuck up behind Helga and wrapped his big blue stubby arms around her.

"I just want a hug..." it said in a deceptively-goofy voice.

"Hug this!" Helga placed her martial arts training into action and threw the toy reptile clear over her head and into a group of other Wallys. By now she was getting exasperated. "Hey, I can use some help over here!...HELLO?"

"In a minute!" called out Rhonda. She was out of the fray, talking on her cell phone. "So anyway, Nadine, I was at the nail salon the other day, and you will not believe who I saw..."

"Anytime would be nice...!"

Phoebe was at the sidelines, analyzing the situation with her high-tech visor. "Helga, go for the defected one – that's their weak point!"

Helga looked to her right; sure enough, amongst the crowd stood a giant Wally slightly darker in color than the rest, with only one eye. She cracked her knuckles and smiled. "Alright – now we're getting somewhere!"

When she peered to her left, she saw a nearby display stand for the product "My First Javelin Set". Helga grabbed a javelin and charged, pointing the business end directly at the defected abomination. Without hesitation, she impaled her target, effectively shish-ka-bobbing a couple more onto the javelin in the process. As they fell to the ground in a sea of tattered fluff, Helga slammed her boot forcefully into the purple Wally's eye, shattering it. This time, the other Wallys stopped dead in their traps, also falling over. Black smoke emanated from the dolls, and they transformed back into their harmless, cuddly forms.

"Good work, Helga!" congratulated Luna.

But Helga was on the war path. She stormed over to Rhonda, who was still heavily engrossed in her phone conversation.

"Uh-huh...yeah...HEY!"

Helga snatched the phone from <i.Rhonda's hand and flung it several yards away. Rhonda was mortified. "Are you crazy?! That's a $300 phone!"

"I'm getting butt kicked by a mob of oversized pincushions, and all you care about is catching up on the latest gossip?!"

"It was important!" defended Rhonda. "And anyway, why couldn't Luna just use her timekey-thingy to slow them down for you?"

"Oh, gee – I don't know...maybe because it doesn't work! Even I know that, and so would you if spent more time listening and less time yapping on that stupid phone!"

"Uh, you guys..."

"Not now, Phoebe!" shot Helga, contradicting herself.

"Well, what do you expect me to do?"

"Oh, gee – I don't know...maybe NOT answer your phone for a change?"

"Ha! And not have any more friends? Yeah right – I'm not like you..."

"Oh, that is IT....!"

With that remark, Helga finally lost it. The two girls argued heatedly as Phoebe and Luna looked on.

---

Helga was fast asleep in her bed. The sun was shining through the curtains of her window, and a few scattered beams fell on her face and brought her out of her slumber. As she awoke, she found herself face-to-face with a pair of enormous red eyes.

"AAH!" Helga screamed and fell out of her bed onto the ground, startled. The pair of eyes had actually belonged to Luna, who had been sitting patiently on top of the bed, waiting for her to get up. Helga got to her feet, her heart racing. "What? WHAT??"

"I just wanted to remind you of the scout meeting tonight," said Luna.

Helga groaned and rubbed her eyes. "Criminy...you nearly gave me a heart attack. You woke me up for THAT?"

"Sorry," apologized Luna. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something else. I've noticed that you and Rhonda don't get along particularly well."

Helga scoffed. "That's an understatement..."

"I realize that you two aren't as close as, say, you and Phoebe are, but could you at least pretend to like each other? After all, you are still a team."

"Ugh...fine, fine. Just quit sneaking up on me in the morning, okay?"

"I appreciate it. See you at tonight's meeting," And with that, Luna disappeared through the curtains.

Helga sighed. "I got to start remembering to close that window..."

---

Class was starting in Mr. Simmons' room, and the students were taking their seats.

"People, people! Let's get started, please!" advised Mr. Simmons as he was taking roll call.

At that moment, Rhonda and Nadine entered the classroom and went to their seats. Rhonda glared at Helga as she moved past her desk.

"Why don't you take a picture, Rhonda-loid? It'll last longer," shot back Helga.

"Whatever," said Rhonda, matching her scowl.

"Alright, then," said Mr. Simmons after completing attendance. "Looks like everyone is here today. I guess we can get star...yes, Eugene?"

"Mr. Simmons, can I sit up front today?" asked the red-headed geek. "I left my glasses at home."

Helga raised her hand. "I'll switch seats with Eugene, Mr. Simmons."

"Uh...okay, Helga..." said Mr. Simmons, a little surprised. "How nice of you to volunteer."

Helga grabbed her book and walked to the back of the room, taking the seat next to Phoebe; Rhonda eyed her suspiciously.

"Why so charitable today?" inquired Phoebe.

"I have my reasons," replied Helga, smugly.

"Okay then," said Mr. Simmons. "Today we're going to learn about a topic that I find very special: the wonders of municipal law. Everyone, take out your social studies textbooks and turn to page 52..."

The class groaned, but reluctantly obeyed. As Mr. Simmons began his lecture, Helga also opened her book, but then ripped away a corner from one of its pages and placed it into her mouth. After forming the paper into a wad, Helga pulled a straw from out of her bow and firmly placed the wad inside of it. She then – while aiming the straw at the back of Rhonda's head – took a deep breath, and blew. The wad sailed across the room and hit Rhonda, not sticking but bouncing off and landing on the floor. Perplexed, Rhonda felt where the wad had struck her and looked around the room in confusion.

The intercom mounted on the upper portion of the wall crackled as Principal Perky's voice chirped through. "Mr Simmons, could I see Phoebe, Rhonda and Helga in my office, please?"

"Uh, certainly – girls?"

"Ooh," taunted Harold. "Somebody's in trouble! Ha ha ha!"

"Put a sock in it, pink boy," warned Helga as she stood up from her seat.

"Okay class – settle down," said Mr. Simmons as the girls exited the classroom.

"Nice going, Helga" muttered Rhonda as they made their way down the hall towards the Principal's office.

"What are you talking about?" snapped Helga angrily. "I didn't do anything!"

"Then explain why we're going to the office. Come on, who'd you beat up this time?"

"I didn't beat anyone up!" Helga then grabbed Phoebe by the elbow and brandished her as if to prove a point. "Look who's with us. Have you ever seen Ms. Straight-As here get busted for anything?"

Rhonda looked away. "I guess not..."

"There you go," concluded Helga, releasing her friend from her grasp.

Phoebe cradled her elbow with her other hand. "Still...it's odd. Why do you suppose she wants to see all three of us?"

"Well, there's only one way to find out," Helga said, opening the office door. She then looked at the other two, motioning in a grand gesture. "After you."

Rhonda rolled her eyes as she walked past Helga. Phoebe followed and Helga closed the door behind them.

Principal Perky was sitting behind the desk, and welcomed them with one of her trademark grins. "How nice to see you, girls. Please – have a seat."

The three girls complied, each taking a seat at one of the three chairs situated before them at the desk.

Perky purposefully clasped her hands together, her gaze never leaving them. "So...you're probably wondering why I called you here?"

Rhonda's hands shot up in defense. "I swear, whatever she did, I had nothing to do with it. We don't even hang out."

Helga shot an angry glance at Rhonda. "WHAT?"

At the same time, a guilt-ridden Phoebe stood up. "All right, I confess!" she blurted out, on the verge of tears. "Last Thursday, I made an unauthorized trip to the washroom without a hall pass!"

Perky chuckled softly. "Relax, girls – you're not in trouble."

Helga and Rhonda turned their attention back to the principal. Phoebe slowly sat back down, relieved. "We're not?"

"Of course not! In fact, I called you here because I wanted to congratulate you. Out of all the students here at P.S. 118, we've narrowed it down to you three as the best candidates to represent our school on a diplomatic trip to Spain!"

"Spain?" exclaimed the girls, simultaneously.

Principal Perky nodded enthusiastically. "Of course, we can only send one of you..."

Helga sighed and folded her arms. "Criminy, here we go..."

"But whoever we choose will be awarded with many unique opportunities."

"Like?"

"Well, an all-expense paid week-long stay at a five-star hotel in Madrid...."

This piqued Helga's interest. "Go on..."

"Not to mention numerous scholarship opportunities, a nice spending allowance, and an audience with the country's president."

Phoebe and Rhonda's eyes widened at the mention of all the lucrative perks. Helga, however, retained her skepticism. "So, when is this decision going to be made?"

"I'd like to start interviewing you first thing tomorrow," said Perky. "I want to get a feel for the type of unique energy you each bring to the table. You know - see what makes you tick."

"Well, that shouldn't be too hard," said Helga as she stood up from her seat. "Are we done here?"

"Yes. Hope to see you girls bright and early tomorrow morning. Oh...and good luck."

Perky walked over to the door to let them out, and the three girls filed into the hallway.

After the door closed, Helga turned to Phoebe. "I don't know about you, but that lady gives me the creeps..." she confided out of earshot.

But Helga was given no reply, as both Phoebe and Rhonda were lost in their thoughts about possibly being chosen for the opportunity of a lifetime.

The rest of the day went by fairly uneventfully, and in no time the dismissal bell rang. Luna waited at the foot of the school building, and the four of them made their way to the Pataki household for the much-touted scout meeting. Helga disguised the true intention of the gathering as simply a "play-date amongst friends", to which the scatterbrained Miriam willfully accepted, and was so excited that she decided to whip up something special from her cookbook for the occasion (this plan, of course, fell through as soon as she got to the 'Smoothies' chapter).

The meeting took place in Helga's room, with Helga lying on the bed, Rhonda sitting on a chair, and Phoebe sitting cross-legged on the floor; Luna sat in the middle of them and cleared her throat.

"I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming."

"Pfft – yeah right," muttered Helga under her breath, her head dangling upside-down from over the bed. "Like we had a choice..."

Luna ignored Helga's comment and continued to speak. "I think we might be nearing the end of our goal. Since the night at Toy World, there have been no recent monster sightings anywhere in the city. The negative energy, which I could literally feel permeating through the air, has now receded to an all-time low. I sense that it's only a matter time before-uh, yes, Rhonda?"

"Yeah, I was wondering if I could have Nadine take my place doing all this Sailor-stuff for a while? I'm going to be in Madrid in the next couple of weeks."

Luna was nonplussed. "I beg your pardon?"

"Madrid. Oh, don't act so surprised – you both knew that I was the one Principal Perky was going to pick, right?"

"I-I don't think I quite under-"

"Oh, come off your high horse, sister!" said Helga, sitting up from the bed. "What makes you so sure?"

"Well, I'm the prettiest, and the most popular, not to mention the most worldly. Granted, Phoebe is the smartest, but I'm very personable, and I've got the most connections. And let's be realistic, you really wouldn't stand a chance."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, let's face it – you're not the prettiest or the smartest. And your fashion sense is just...yeuch. What business do you have in one of the trendiest places on the planet?"

"You guys, maybe we should just..."

"Zip it, Phoebes." At this point Helga was standing so that she could stare down Rhonda just inches from her face. "Just what are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying you're a fashion reject. End of story."

"Oh yeah? Well for your information, I doubt spoiled bratty princesses top the criteria for ideal diplomat material!"

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, you heard me, Rhonda-loid. I think Phoebe and I have just a good a chance of being chosen as you, not that we'd want to go on any dumb trip to Spain..."

"Actually..." interjected Phoebe.

"Not now, Phoebes!"

"Wait a minute!" yelled Phoebe, this time standing up from her spot on the floor. "I think I have a say in this, too! And I wish you'd interrupting me, because it's really starting to...to...it really vexes me!"

"Girls please...." pleaded Luna, but she was drowned out by the three girls bickering.

Downstairs in the living room, Big Bob was sitting in his favorite armchair, reading the newspaper, when he was distracted by the commotion upstairs.

"Keep it down up there! Miriam! Tell Olga to pipe down!"

As usual, Miriam was fast asleep in the kitchen, this time still clutching a bottle of Tabasco sauce in her hand.

Big Bob grumbled to himself. "I never get any peace and quiet in this household..."

Things came to a fever pitch as Helga yanked on Rhonda's designer sweater while Rhonda played tug-of-war with Helga's hair. Phoebe groped around helplessly on her hands and knees; her glasses had been knocked off in the confusion.

"You're ripping it!" screamed Rhonda. "Let me go!"

At the same time, both girls released each other from their grasp, both falling to the floor.

"That's it!" yelled Rhonda. "I've had it!" And with that she stormed out of the room.

"Girls PLEASE control yourselves! You're a team!"

At last Phoebe had found her glasses and, before Luna could convince her to do otherwise, exited the room in the same fashion as Rhonda before her. Luna trailed behind. Helga was undeterred.

"FINE!" she yelled. "Who needs ya?!!" She hauled the closest object in her vicinity (thankfully, a pillow) at the door, which shut with the force of her throw. She then ran over to the window and stuck her head out to yell at the girls on ground level. "That's right, get movin'!"

Luna stood at the top of the steps of the Pataki household and watched helplessly as Rhonda and Phoebe went in opposite directions down the sidewalk and Helga continued her tirade from above.

"Oh dear..." she said quietly to herself. "What's happened...?"

---

Not long after the incident had unfolded, Helga sat on the couch in front of the television, vegging out on pork rinds while watching wrestling.

"Mad Dog Kalhoun has the Surgeon General in a submission hold!" barked the announcer on the screen. "But wait! The Full Monty just struck him with a chair!"

Helga stuffed her face with a handful of pork rinds and chewed noisily. "This match is fixed." Luna had not returned since the ordeal, which both surprised and relieved Helga; the last thing she wanted right now was to be lectured.

Eventually, she got off the couch during the commercial break and made an appearance in the kitchen, where Miriam was still napping. Only when Helga removed a glass from the cupboard and set it on the counter next to her did Miriam finally rouse from her sleep.

"Huh? Oh...hey, sweetie...." Miriam said, somewhat drowsily.

"Hey, Miriam," replied Helga flatly, pulling a bottle of Yahoo! from the fridge.

Miriam yawned, then stretched. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Just pouring something to drink."

"Mm-hmm..." Miriam held her head with her hand as her elbow rested on the counter. Suddenly her eyes shot wide open. "Oh hey, maybe you should ask your friends if they were thirsty? I can whip them up a nice smoothie."

Helga paused between gulps of her chocolate soda.

"There still here, aren't they?"

Helga cautiously lowered the glass, looking down at it. "No. They left a while ago. We had a fight."

To Helga's surprise, Miriam came up behind her, wrapping her arms around her in a hug.

"You know...you were 6 the last time you had a play-date. My little girl is growing up..."

"Uh..."

Miriam stood in the same spot for several seconds, still hugging her daughter (who was taken aback by this unexpected display of affection). It was almost seemed as if she had fallen asleep again, and Helga opened her mouth to speak, but Miriam spoke first.

"Take care of your friends, Helga. You'll have your fights and your disagreements...but that's part of being a friend. You have to take the good with the bad. Okay, honey?"

"Um...sure," despite her mother's somewhat detached state, Helga couldn't help but agree with her. Though she was still angry at the others, deep down, she felt it necessary for their fight to happen. She couldn't explain why...but she felt that she had to make things right.

Helga removed herself from her mother's grip. "Thanks, mom. I gotta go." She ran out of the kitchen and towards the front door, leaving Miriam to sit back down at the counter and fall asleep.

Just as she was descending her porch, a luxury car pulled up next to her house on the street. The backseat window rolled down, revealing Rhonda on the inside.

"Hop in," she commanded..

Reluctantly, Helga obeyed, and opened the car door to enter. As the car drove away, they both sat on opposite sides of the backseat, looking through opposite windows to avoid each other's gaze; neither girl insisted on breaking the silence. Helga was eager to patch things up with her best friend; with Rhonda, not so much.

"I..." began Rhonda, not looking at her seatmate. "I'm...sorry I pulled your hair."

The air was tense for several seconds.

"It's cool," responded Helga, also still avoiding eye contact. "Sorry about your sweater."

"Yeah, well...I didn't like it that much, anyway."

She turned her head slightly to look at Helga and smiled faintly.

Helga turned to look at Rhonda, and slowly returned an equally faint smile.

No more was said for the remainder of the drive.

Helga knocked on the Heyerdahl's front door and was surprised to see that when Phoebe answered, Luna was with her.

Helga scratched the back of her head with her hand. "Listen, Phoebes...about what I said...I've been a real jerk to you..."

"Well, at times you can be a little pigheaded," Luna interjected.

"Uh, right....anyway, what I'm trying to say is....uh..."

"It's okay, Helga," said Phoebe. "I understand. And I forgive you."

Helga gave a sigh of relief as she was hugged unexpectedly for the second time that day.

"Do you really think I'm pigheaded?" she asked during the hug.

"Only a little," replied Phoebe.

"And she's not the only one."

Only when she looked over Helga's shoulder did she notice Rhonda was waving in front of the parked vehicle.

Luna blinked incredulously. "Are you two still fighting?"

Rhonda smiled and approached the rest of the group. "Not anymore."

"Look at us, you guys," said Phoebe. "Quarreling over a little trip."

"I got a plan," chimed in Helga. "What say the three of us go back and lay it on the line for Perky? Either she chooses the three of us, or none at all."

"All or nothing?" asked Phoebe.

"Sounds good to me,"concurred Rhonda.

"Then it's settled – if we leave now, we might be able to catch her before she goes home. You coming, Luna?"

"Guess I don't have much of a choice," Luna quipped.

Helga smiled. "You catch on fast."

---

In no time, their ride pulled up in front of P.S. 118; the three girls and Luna promptly exited the vehicle.

"Don't wait up," Rhonda told the chauffeur, who nodded and drove down the street.

As they ascended the steps of the building, Luna began to hesitate. "You know, girls, I don't think I'm permitted on school premises."

"Relax," said Helga. "This school's seen stranger things than you behind its walls. Besides, what's Perky going to do about it?"

Classes had been out for several hours; the other students had since filed out from their after-school programs, and the janitors had completed their nightly maintenance, so the main hallway was eerily quiet as they made their way to Principal Perky's office.

"Do you think she's still here?" asked Rhonda.

"Only one way to find out," said Helga as she placed her hand on the doorknob. "Huh. Déjà vu."

Helga pushed the door open. "Whoa!" she yelled as she was seemingly yanked inside of the office.

"Helga!" the others exclaimed in surprise.

The door flew wide open as a mysterious force with the strength of a vacuum pulled Rhonda, Phoebe and Luna unexpectedly inside, then shut tightly when the hallway was once again empty.

---

"Helga....Helga, wake up..."