Quick and Painless: A Satirical Reimagining of the Invention of the Guillotine

March 22, 1792

March 22, 1792

My dearest, Lonnie,

Master Louis asks that I call him Antoine. He heard that I would call him by his last name and stated "My last name is that of the King's first, we best not say it aloud."

I shrugged a reply. 

No one hears from the king, only about him. I've never been one to give in to gossip. Perhaps that's another reason the revolts do not phase me, everything is based on rumors of some sort. 

Anyway, today wasn't too interesting.

I woke up early, ready to help Antoine build his contraption. I got myself ready first, combing my hair with my fingers and smoothing my shirt, and dragging Romeo to the kitchen to get a glass of milk.

"So, what's happening with Louis, mon ami?" Étinne asked as he rationed the white liquid into three glasses.

Romeo made a lazy remark on how it rhymed and Étinne gave a little "heh" in response.

I shrugged, "I'm not sure. He asked me to help with a design he's come up with. Based on Joseph Guilltin's idea of equality in execution."

He leaned on the table sighing deeply, "Wow."

I kept explaining, "He wants to make execution quick and painless. 'a death a second' he said."

"Why would anyone need to murder a person a second?" Étinne asked. 

"You've heard that Robesperrie guy, he wants the whole aristocracy dead."

Étinne dramatically flopped his hand towards me with a small, "Pfft" noise.

Étinne gave off this impression that he's always slightly drunk. He has a flamboyant flair and a clumsy nature. He's always calm and high on oxygen. He has a smile on his face when things are hard. 

Not a care in the world, Étinne doesn't have a care in the world. 

Étinne sat on the table, sipping his milk like it was fine whiskey, "Robesperrie isn't going to do anything. He's just an ugly little man who talks too loud."

"The world is run by ugly little men who talk too loud."

Romeo came and sat on my lap, still tired. I stroked his hair and let him play with my hands. I had a mild thought about how skinny he was. I was a fat child, as were all the other children I've ever known. It's not fair that my son is deprived of the food he needs to look healthy.

Étinne must've been thinking the same thing when he pulled a jar of oats from the pantry and began heating some leftover milk so that he could make some oatmeal for Romeo.

"You know, Andreas," he said, "If you learned to raise your voice you could run the world."

Romeo perked up, "Can I run the world with you, Papa?" he asked.

"I'm not running the world any time soon, baby."

He nodded, curling into my chest, and closing his eyes, "Just when you do then."

I smiled, "Okay, baby."

The sun rose as the conversation simmered. And I traveled outside to need Antonie.

Today was simple, we were just building a half-scale model of the Louisette (the temporary name for the machine Antoine came up with.) 

He said that we would test it on some newborn lambs or puppies, something small and easily decapitateable.

The Louisette was easy to build. And from what I could gather it wouldn't be expensive either, just wood, rope, and a blade, shaped into a triangle.