Sweet Dreams, Eli

Whatever

Sorry, sorry, sorry! I know it's been a really long time since I updated. To make up for it I'm posting three chapters today and will try to start uploading weekly again on Saturdays.

1 in 2 teens who age out
will develop a substance dependence.

Eli

I wake up to a bright light in my eyes. Groaning, I roll over and glare at the wall, sighing, I look at the clock on the bed side table, 5:19 am. What the hell?

Where could that light possibly be coming from? I roll back over and am again blinded by the sun coming through the window.

I stagger to my feet and hurry to pull down the blinds. The room falls into blissful darkness and I collapse back onto the bed. Ten minutes later the clock is taunting me, ticking off each minute I can't fall back asleep.

I groan and roll over, pulling the blanket over my head so I don't have to look at the stupid clock or the stupid empty walls.

I try to take deep breathes but I can't bring the air in. Fuck, not again.

I can't breathe... I can't breathe... I can't breathe... I can't breathe...Fuucckk! Fuck, Fuck. Not again.

Okay so panicking about this panic attack probably isn't super helpful, but I can't think straight, and I can't breathe... I can't breathe... I can't breathe...

I'm trying really hard to suck in air but it's not working, and I need to calm down ... I need to calm down ... I need to calm down.

Actually, I can't fucking do this anymore, I am so, so fucking done.

And I can't breathe... I can't breathe... I can't breathe...

I'm gasping now, not that it's making any difference and the room is spinning and I can't breathe... I can't breathe... I can't breathe...

"Help..." I whimper, and I sound so pathetic that it makes everything worse, and no one's coming, no one's ever fucking coming.

I'm crying now and I can't stop and I still can't breathe... I can't breathe... I can't breathe... I can't breathe... I can't breathe... I can't breathe!

But it's getting better now, I can feel the panic slipping away, slowly, slowly, and now when I take a breath the air fills my lungs. I lay there on my back for a long time breathing.

In ... out ... in ... out ... in ... out ... in ... out ... in ...

I have no idea how long I've been laying here but the clock now reads 8:05.

Pull yourself together, Eli! I tell myself. Sit up and stop being such a fucking wimp.

I push myself up and sit with my legs hanging off the bed and swipe angrily at my face, it's wet with tears since I've been crying like a fucking baby for over an hour.

You can't do this Eli, you can't be weak, not here, not even for a minute, I remind myself. It's not safe, it's never safe.

Someone knocks on the door.

Fuck, seriously, fucking hell, not right now. I'm sure my eyes are swollen and red and my face is probably still tear streaked. Maybe if I ignore them, they'll think I'm still asleep and leave me the fuck alone.

I freeze, I won't move, I won't make a sound and they'll go away.

"Eli!" the person calls through the door, "It's time to get up."

Fuck, if I keep ignoring them, they might come in.

"I'm up." I growl. Hoping I sound scary enough that they'll leave now, except my voice cracks, because, of course.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" the voice asks, it's Alanna. Great.

"I'm fine," I call trying to sound like someone who's fine.

"Are your sure?"

You've got to be kidding me, "Yes!" I snap.

"Eli," she says, her voice soft, "You don't sound fine."

Jesus, "How the hell would you know?" I shout. I want to jump up and yank the door open so I can yell right in her face, but I can't, because then she would no that I'm anything but fine.

I want out of this place, I want to be far, far away from this woman and her kids and her husband and all their freaking sunshine and rainbows, and kindness. I don't need kind; I need cruel and easy to push away. I need everyone to leave me alone.

She sighs again, "Breakfast is almost ready, so get changed and come up stairs, okay?"

Like I have a choice. "Whatever," I mutter.

"Okay," she says quietly and then finally, finally I hear her walking away.

Thank God.

~

I managed to make it to the bathroom without anyone spotting me, and rinse my face until it would be hard to tell that I've been crying. I toss on jeans and a hoody and reluctantly head upstairs.

Breakfast is about what I expected after last night, pancakes, and plenty of them, and lots of noise, so much noise. Seriously, I have a headache by the time the table is being cleared.

I attempt to make my escape back down stairs to "my room" but Alanna stops me.

"Eli!" She calls just as I've reached the top of the stairs. I pause for a second and debate ignoring her, but I don't.

"What?" I grumble.

"We need to go shopping for clothes and stuff for your room." She says gently.

"I don't need anything," I insist.

"You deserve to have some stuff of your own, honey."

I snort, I deserve nothing. Also "honey", really?

"Ten minutes." She says firmly.

"Yeah, whatever." Unless I can come up with a way to get out of it. I glance at Alanna's determined face.

I'm not liking my chances.