5.14.19 J.ST
The thing about my heart is, It's an ocean.
It catches their eyes from my watery retreats. So naturally the ocean draws in damaged people, looking for refuge within my waters. They seek something to make them feel again what these deserts could not.
But, they bring paddle boats with the intention to soar across my deepest and darkest depths, not equipped to handle the ravenous waves and thunderous clashes instilled within my seas. You cannot explore deeper depths with only a sail boat for a sunny day.
The ocean is not always a sunny day. My waters are not always calm and concealing.
You will need to have strong feet and a strong will to get through my darkest storms. You have to be prepared to be lost at sea, with only a compass, the stars and your bare hands. You have to be prepared to jump the boat and swim through feral, tidal waves. The ocean is a wild, untamed thing. Free as the wind, but baring its own weights under wraps. Yet, it craves to be felt in its weighty waters, the ocean has depths that you and I have not yet dove into.
I have been lost at sea, and sunken into my own treacherous waves, for many months; afraid I would not see the stars again.
I have broken down my walls, and survived my own wrecks, with my own bare hands. I stopped trying to piece together the wreckages, and allowed them to drift away with the morning sun. I have stopped looking for lighthouses, and homes; in people's eyes. I stopped chasing lifeboats that have already sailed.
It is told that the ocean, doesn't forget. There are more artifacts in the ocean than all of the earth's museums. I have carried shipwrecks and embodied those who have drowned in me. I am a home to the remnants of people that I used to love. I am constantly stirring up, and tranquilizing my tides, attempting to cleanse myself of your touch.
I want to be blue again, glowing the salt I breathe; I want to be warm. I want to see the stars, in all their nightly radiance. I want to find myself at sea, never to lose who I am again. I am the strength of the ocean, I am the pulse of the waves.
One day I will be felt. Someone will bravely swim across my floors, and be mesmerized by all the life that I have held in my waters. They will realize that I am too full of life to be half-loved. They will absorb my depths and they will not fear the inevitable storms, and tidal waves yet to come.
The ocean is a wild untamed thing, and it demands to be resonated. My heart is an ocean, you have to swim, for it to open.
I wanted you to swim oceans for me, but you couldn't even step over a shallow puddle for me. I wanted you to be that person for me. You are not my person, not my lighthouse in the storm. You are not my storm. You are not in the stars, that the ocean so desperately romanticizes for.
I wanted you to be the sailor who loved the ocean so much, he swam out to all the points where I began and ended, receded my tides and became whole again.
It is not you. I was the ocean, and yet you did not want to learn how to swim.
