Remember him

chapter 11

I wake from the from the story playing in my head. I sigh and roll over and reach out for Julian' I feel out for his arm but only feel his side of the bed; ice cold. He wasn't there; it hit me last night wasn't a dream but a nightmare a real life nightmare.

I push my self up and throw my legs over the side of the bed and just sit there my hear breaking all over again, I look at the clock on my nightstand 8:30. Adeline was going to be late for school, I rush out of bed and run down stairs. Isla was sat at the kitchen table with a plate of toast and a cup of tea; Isla looks up at me and gives me a faint smile,  

"Ernest took Adeline to school, I thought you could do with the sleep" she says pushing the plate of toast to the empty chair silently telling me to sit down and eat. 

"Thank you," I reply taking the empty seat, I pick up a half piece of buttery toast and take a bite. I look at Isla; her stunning brown eyes are red, tired and surrounded by yesterdays makeup. I put a hand on her hand and give her my best smile, I could tell she was being strong for my sake. I take another bite of toast before leaving to sit in the living room, I sit curled up on the arm chair and start flicking through the tv channels mindlessly until a movie title catches my eye; Edward scissor hands. Julian's favourite movie, I pick this channel and replay all the times he made me watch this with him until I fell asleep; the smell of freshly baked cookies floating around my living room, I unfold myself and follow the smell of cookies to the kitchen and find my mum standing next to a mountain of baked goods. 

"Isla had to go to work" she tells me without even turning her head to see me

"And the baked goods?" I ask

"my works cake sale tomorrow" she explains sprinkling powdered sugar over a Victoria sponge cake

"Mum?" I ask setting up the brownies into a pyramid 

"Yes dear" she answers bringing the Victoria sponge cake over to the table to join the cookies and brownies,

"Are you okay?" I ask, she looks at me with a weak smile as she fights back the tears in her eyes; I pull her into a hug and she sobs. I sit her down on the sofa when she stopped crying and went to tidy the kitchen, I start with mums baking things and end up on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor tiles with a spring scented disinfectant. I finish with the kitchen and decide I need a shower so I head to the bathroom, 

I shower and put on an oversized tshirt and a pair of black jeans, I head back down to the living room and see mum watching this morning. I sit with her and put my head on her shoulder and wait for an opportunity to leave; As mum goes to the bathroom I take my chance and slip on a pair of trainers and let my legs carry me. 

 I climb the spectators' seats at the local football field and sit far in the back hiding in the corner watching the men play, Ernest appears from out of nowhere wearing his work clothes obviously sent to find me. He climbs the seats and sits next to me.

"mum sent you, didn't she?" I ask

"She just wants to know your okay" he replies handing me a travel mug of tea

"I don't need babysitting" I tell him taking the cup from him

"do you remember what you did when dad died?" he asks

"I was young"

"we found you on the cliff side Jade" he explains

"I was basically a child"

"and now you have a child, she needs you Jade there's no substitute for your parents" he tells me, I look at him; his face wasn't his normal happy one this one was full of concern. I drink the travel cup of tea and stand up;

"Tell mum I'm okay, I just want some alone time" I say before making my way down to the field. I start to walk home but my feet carry me to a small building; the local pub where I first met Julian, I walk in and climb onto a bar stool; ignoring the looks of pity I order a rum and coke. I drink it in one gulp and order another again until a hand takes it from me and slams it onto the bar; I look and see Isla eyes full of anger standing inches away from me. I shoot the bar tender a dirty look,

"You told on me?" I ask my voice full of anger

"What is wrong with you?" Isla spits

"I'm just having a drink" i say as i reach for the glass, Isla slides it over to the barman to take care of and pulls my head to face her

"YOU HAVE A FIVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AT HOME!"

"thank you for reminding me" i say turning away from her and looking at where the barman stood

"THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING JADE! YOU SHOULD BE AT HOME WITH HER"

"I met him here, on this stool actually" i start Isla takes a seat next to me putting a hand on my shoulder

"Jade..."

"You dragged me here for karaoke night, I sat here and tapped my fingers in time with sweet child of mine he looked as bored as I was. He gave me his cheeky half smile asking for my order and gave me his signature wink."

"Jade, i'm..."

"I was all frustrated that I couldn't find my stupid lighter that when he tried to be nice to me I was so blunt with him, looking back he was caring for me even when he didn't know me; he made sure I got home okay and not just that everything of our relationship it was always him caring for me Isla. And now look at me I'm dodging my own daughter because she reminds me so much of him, it should have been me."

"don't say that, Adeline is going to need you know more than ever" Isla cries

"You sound like Ernest"

"He has his moments" she laughs. I look at and smile; Isla jumps from her seat and pulls my head into her shoulder and I cant fight it anymore I let the tears fall from my eyes.