Solitude -> The Walking Dead

48

Empty. Cold. Lifeless.

That's how I would explain everything that came after I lost him. As soon as he was out of my sight, it was like everything in me got shut down.

I didn't fight Michonne as she lead me away from the prison. She told me to stay put while she goes back to see if she can find anyone else. I didn't fight her then either.

All I could think about was Ryan's eyes and how they stared at me. I was supposed to protect him. As his sister, that was my job. Not only did he die, so did Cleo and Hershel and God knows who else.

My mind went to Abby and Dakota. I didn't see them. What if they're dead, too? I should've stayed by their side. If I did, they wouldn't be in danger of being dead.

My eyes stung from the amount of crying they went through. Yet every time I thought I was all taped out, they came back. Just the thought of his name in my head and I'd start spinning again.

I released a shaky breath. It should've been me laying on the ground. Not him. He had so much left to live for. God, he had a kid on the way. I don't even know if Dorothy's alive.

Everyone except Michonne is probably dead. Rick was fighting the Governor last I saw him. In the shape that he was in, there's no way he made it.

I couldn't even see Daryl in the middle of the battle. Just like I couldn't find Ryan. I dug my nails into my palm to try and distract myself from thoughts like that.

A hiss left my mouth as I accidentally put pressure on my wound. Michonne had fixed it up before she went back. It wasn't that bad. I won't die from it, no matter how much I might want to.

"We should keep moving."

I jumped at the sound of Michonne's voice. She came back with two walkers on a leash. They had no arms nor mouths. I didn't even hear her come close.

I looked up at her. "Abby? Dakota?"

She shook her head and I sighed in relief. It was a good thing that she didn't find them. They got out then, they must've. At least I hope so.

Michonne hesitated before opening her mouth. "Ryan was-"

"I don't want to talk about it."

She sighed at my statement. I got up and headed off in a random direction. We can't stay this near the walkers. Even with her protection buddies, we won't be safe.

We walked in silence. I knew she wanted to talk to me. After all, we were all that was left. Yet she remained silent, afraid of me snapping in half.

Being this fragile was new to me. After years of deflection and anger, to be back at my most vulnerable, it was horrible to experience. I was right back at being a little girl pleading her mother to stop.

She never did. The pain didn't either.

It was all I had left of him. Pain. A living, breathing reminder that he did once exist and that I wasn't enough to protect him. I thought that it would be my feelings for Daryl that would lead to a death of a sibling.

Turns out, I was the problem all along. They'll never be truly safe with me because I'll never be able to protect them. No amount of training or self sacrifice is going to change that.

I was always the problem.

My feet slowed down upon realizing Michonne wasn't following me. As I glanced back at her, I noticed she was looking at something on the floor.

"What is it?" I asked.

The voice that came out of my mouth didn't sound like mine. It was coarse and strained, like I had been screaming all night. And I guess in a way, I have been.