daddy issues - alex turner

lost on you

let's raise a glass or two, to all the things I've lost on you

I woke up at around 6.30 in the morning when the sun was rising. my mouth was dry as hell and my eyes were swollen. i ran to the bathroom to take a shower and when i looked in the mirror i felt terrible. it was obvious that i had cried in my sleep due to how puffy my eyes were. i stepped in the shower and tried to empty my head for a little while. today was the day that i was gonna visit my dad's graveyard. I couldn't really find the words to explain the feeling i had inside of me. i was sad and scared to say the least. i rinsed my hair and wrapped my towel around my body and got out of the shower. i went back to my room and saw a sleeping alex. his hair was messy and his mouth was opened. he looked so cute. i quickly grabbed my clothes and went back into the bathroom to change. i brushed my hair and walked back into my room to wake up alex.
"al?"
"hmm"
"come on, wake up"
"what time is it?"
"7.19"
"can i sleep for 10 more minutes? i went to sleep so late last night"
"sure, how come?"
"you were crying and i was worried about you"
my heart sank. i felt tears in my eyes but i blinked them back
"sure al, thank you for taking care of me"
"of course lo, you're my best friend"
"do you want me to make you breakfast?"
"mhm"
i chuckled and hugged him tight while he was still lying on the bed. i walked into the kitchen to make him food. i made pancakes and went to my room to get alex
"al! wake up"
"five more minutes"
"come on! it's 8 am"
"i made breakfast"
"what'd you make?"
"i made pancakes, now come eat your breakfast"
"are you not eating with me?"
"i uh.. have to go somewhere"
"lo? where do you have to go at 8 in the morning?"
"i umm... it's not that important, i'll be back in about an hour or so"
"is there something that I don't know?"
i hate keeping things from him. he's my best friend! why would i do that?
"i'm sorry al, i have to visit my dads graveyard and i don't wanna drag you with me"
he looked at me sympathetically
"don't be ridiculous lolla, i will drive you there"
"thank you alex"
we had breakfast together and chatted about random stuff until it was time for us to go
"alright al let's go"
we got in the car and as soon as I fastened my belt he held my hand
"are you sure that you wanna do this?
"im positive, i used to be so scared of coming here but now that you're here i feel a lot better"
"if you say so, go for it"
i nodded and got out of the car, walked to where my dads gravestone was. alex didn't come with me since he thought i would want to be alone. it was a rainy day in sheffield which made the atmosphere a lot more gloomy. i kneeled down where my dads gravestone was and looked at it for god knows how long.
"hey dad, i don't even know if you deserve to be called that. i just thought I'd come by. i mean, you're my father after all. despite all the things you've done to me you still are, this past month i just kept on trying to let you go, reminding myself how bad and harmful you were to me. but i'm dying to let you know that i still love and miss you like crazy."
my voice cracked, i had tears streaming down my face at this point.
"the only thing i ever wanted in life was for you to love me like a daughter. i just wanted to have a healthy father-daughter relationship with you. but i guess it wasn't meant to be."
i was sobbing, uncontrollably. my breath quickened and got heavier. I was sobbing so loud. i couldn't endure the fact that i still loved him, he treated me like shit.
i felt two arms wrap around me from back, i knew it was alex, i just did. he was crying as well. i turned to hug him properly and we stayed like that for 5 minutes.
"you need to let go of him, i know it's gonna be hard but that's what you need to do. and im always gonna be there for you through it. you're so strong lolita and you're not alone."
he was wiping my tears with his thumbs, i decided that it was time for us to go home. during our drive home he never let go of my hand. it was so comforting to know that i had someone like him by my side. he's the only reason i'm making it through this mess.

this took me so fucking long lmfao I'm so sorry y'all but i have no inspiration  hope you can forgive me I will start posting more regularly I promise!!!