daddy issues - alex turner

scary love

"your love is scaring me, no one has ever cared for me as much as you do"

-i felt a lot better after the night that we went to the club. im guessing i got so out of control was because i still felt broken inside and wanted to drown my sorrow in a drunken state of mind for a couple hours. good thing is that alex took really good care of me and if it wasn't for him i probably would've ended up in the streets or something.
i woke up pretty early this morning, i don't know why tho. it sometimes happens and i wake up super early no matter how late i went to bed at night. i opened my eyes at around 5.30 and tried to go back to sleep but failed. i decided to go to alex's room to see if he was awake which he probably wasn't. his door was slightly parted and i carefully pushed it trying to not make any noise. i slowly approached his bed and laid down next to him. he shifted his position and turned to me, hugging me to his chest. there was a weird comfort to the way he held me. is it weird that being somehow intimate with my guy best friend feels normal to me? i can't be catching feelings right? hell no. we have been best friends for i now can't even remember for how long and i didn't see him as more than my only friend in the world. i pushed these thoughts away and nuzzled into his chest and finally drifted into a peaceful slumber.
i slowly opened my eyes and shifted under the covers. when i fully woke up i realized alex wasn't there. i decided to check the time and saw it was 8.37 am, I made the bed and headed to the bathroom to freshen up. i headed to the living room to see alex watching TV on the couch
"good morning" he said with a smile on his face as he stood up from the couch and gave me a hug.
"when did u wake up?"
"like an hour ago, went to bed pretty early last night. saw you laying next to me when i woke up. is everything okay love?"
"I'm fine, i suddenly woke up at the butt crack of dawn and couldn't go back to sleep so decided to lay down next to you"
"I'm glad you did. you warmed me up, i was freezing my arse off"
i smiled at him while heading to the kitchen area
"want coffee?"
"yes please"
"want milk or sugar in it?"
"no just black, i still haven't woken up fully and I wanna be kicked in the arse with caffeine"
"alright, here you go love"
i handed him his coffee and he took a small sip, i told him i was gonna head to the grocery store to get stuff because we were completely out of food almost. i started walking to the store as it was only 5 minutes away and didn't wanna drive to such a short distance, i popped my earphones in and put "favorite worst nightmare" on shuffle and do me a favour came on. it was my favorite from the album.
i arrived at the store and started looking for food that we needed in our fridge. as i got done with shopping i paid for the stuff i bought and headed home and rung the doorbell. just a few seconds later alex opened it.
"you need help with those?"
"no I'm fine thanks al"
"i should've came with"
"it's okay, i haven't got much stuff anyway it wasn't hard to carry"
alex and i started to put all of the grocery's away as our favorite music was playing through our record player. when we were done we made breakfast and joked around while singing along to the music that was playing through the apartment flat.
we ate breakfast while talking about our past and how we made it through so much together and how we wouldn't be where we are if it wasn't for eachother. talking to him about anything always felt right and comforting. it felt great to know that I could trust at least one person with my whole heart about anything. and knowing that he felt the same for me made me feel valued and important.
"you're scaring me alex"
"why is that love?"
"no one has ever cared for me as much as you do and im scared that you're doing it just because i seem greedy"
"lolita I would never do that to you. how much I love you and how much i care about you is real and i would never fake such a thing. you're the most important person in my life and I don't know what I'd do without you. please don't ever doubt me. I'm always here for you"
hearing those words from him made my heart swell. i felt grateful for him all over again and i wanted to do nothing but hug him right at that very moment and I did so. i hugged him so tight. almost like my life depended on him.
"i love you alex"
"i love you too lo. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me"
i was gonna start crying if we kept our embrace any longer so i pulled apart and smiled at him lovingly.
"so what are our plans for the rest of the day? it's only 10.30 am" alex asked me
"wanna decorate for Christmas?"
"absolutely"
we already had the tree ready but we didn't have any ornaments or any decorations at all. i pulled out my record that consisted of Christmas hits and popped it in the record player as alex went to the basement to get the decorations. i made hot chocolate for both of us and waited for him. when he came back we decorated for the whole day while laughing at things that no one would laugh at and making stupid jokes here and there. i felt pure bliss for the whole day. when we hung the Christmas lights we were done.
"jeez, it's 7 pm already?"
"i think we took a lot of breaks"
"im really hungry, we haven't eaten since 9.30"
"me too, wanna make dinner or should we order from somewhere?"
"i am not waiting for anything to cook. let's go to the diner down the street."
"sounds like a plan, let me change really quickly"
"okay love I'll be waiting for you in the car"
i got dressed and layered up as quickly as i could as not to make alex wait for me for too long in the blistering cold. i headed to his car and got in the passengers seat.
we headed in the diner and ordered our food. we just talked about what we would do for Christmas Day. whether it would be just the two of us or we would invite the boys over.
we left the diner and as we arrived back at Alex's apartment it was 9 pm. i didn't know why but I felt so tired. i went to the bathroom to take a shower and then changed into my pajamas. when i went to the livingroom I saw alex laying on the couch awake.
"hey you"
"hey"
he moved a bit so i could lay down next to him. i approached the couch and snuggled next to him and he hugged me to his chest. i got that feeling again. i can't even describe it but it felt good
"I'm so tired. both physically and emotionally."
alex sat up a bit and looked at me.
"what's wrong lo?"
i broke down in tears. gosh i hated ending a beautiful day this way but i just couldn't hold it in
he hugged me and i sobbed into his chest
"talk to me"
"I'm sick of feeling incomplete. even if I feel so happy and spend the most amazing days it always dawns on me that nothing will ever be the same. i will never have a dad. god knows where my mom is and what she's doing right now. my whole family abandoned me and i feel like I'm a burden to you"
"you never have been, never are and never will be a burden to me. you're the only thing that's keeping me sane right now. please know that i need you just as much as you think you need me right now. and I am always here for you. you're my only friend and I wouldn't trade it for the world. and about your family, I'm sorry I have to say this but they're fucked up. they don't deserve you. they don't deserve your love. they don't deserve your kind and pure heart. i know it's hard. and i feel for you. but don't cry over people who didn't value you the way you did them. it's not worth it lo i promise"
"what would i do without you alex"
"I feel the same way about you"
he planted a kiss above my head and hugged me tighter.
"try to get some sleep love"
"can you not leave me?"
"I'll never leave you. even if you ask me to"
"i doubt I would ever ask you to do so"
alex chuckled before helping me get up and we walked to his bedroom. i always slept more comfortably on his bed than I did in mine.
he got under the covers and I laid down next to him, placing my head on the crook of his neck. and i fell asleep almost immediately. feeling safe and content in my favorite persons arms.
"good night lolita, i love you"
i was half asleep at this point so i mumbled a quiet "i love you too" and fell asleep immediately after